


Crisp Trepidations

by ToriWritesStories



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cheryl Blossom Needs a Hug, Cheryl is a highschool senior (18yo), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/F, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Josie is Cheryl's bestie, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Partying, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Secrets, Survivor Guilt, Tattoo artist Toni, Tattoos, Therapy, Toni is in college, Underage Drinking, cheryl has ptsd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:07:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 76,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28596687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToriWritesStories/pseuds/ToriWritesStories
Summary: Cheryl Blossom, high school senior, is suffering from PTSD after an accident that left her brother Jason dead a few months ago. In an attempt to distract herself, she attends a nearby college party where she meets a group of college students including Toni Topaz, who she immediately feels drawn to. Keeping her trauma and struggles secret from Toni while keeping Toni secret from her best friend Josie, Cheryl must try to cope with her grief, survivor's guilt, and PTSD symptoms.Or: I wanted to write HighSchool!Cheryl/College!Toni but somehow I ended up making it dark?Note: Trigger warnings will be included in every chapter note on a per chapter basis, but triggers include: discussion of death, car accidents, panic attacks, flashbacks, survivor's guilt, discussion of PTSD medication, grief, and dissociation
Relationships: Cheryl Blossom & Josie McCoy, Cheryl Blossom/Toni Topaz
Comments: 260
Kudos: 276





	1. trying to forget everything

**Author's Note:**

> Goooood afternoon everyone, and welcome to my newest Choni story!  
> If you haven't read any of my stories before - hello! My name is Tori, you can find me @ToriWrtsStories on Twitter, and this is my 7th (sort of 6th) Choni story here on Ao3.  
> If you have read my stories before, you'll probably notice based on the tags and summary that this story touches on some darker issues than that I have previously written about. This is what happens when you've been talking a lot about mental health and also have been listening to sad/deep songs lately? I'm really doing okay, though, I don't know how I managed to crank out this whole story in about a week.
> 
> Anyway, I am so excited to share this story with you all, like I said I wrote it pretty quickly! It's ~76,000 words, 13 chapters! I don't really plan to follow an update schedule, we'll just see when I update lmao. Should be fairly often.
> 
> I am going to include trigger warnings related to the mental health aspects of this story for every chapter as mentioned in the summary, so for this chapter...  
> TW: Therapy, Mentions of Death, Grief
> 
> Enjoy! xx

“Has it helped? Coming back to school?”

Cheryl kept looking down at her lap as she contemplated the question, her fingers fiddling with each other mindlessly. The sound of Dr. Rhodes’ analog clock ticking on the wall kept her from getting completely lost in her thoughts, but the room was otherwise silent.

“Cheryl?”

Cheryl released a breath, forcing herself to look up at the older woman. Dr. Rhodes had dark brown hair that was always tied neatly into a bun, and with her square shaped glasses, it made her look sort of like a librarian. She always wore a bit of drugstore makeup to cover her age lines, although it definitely wasn’t fooling Cheryl.

Despite how badly she didn’t want to be here, Cheryl knew that if she didn’t answer the question, Dr. Rhodes would report negatively back to her parents. She took in a deep breath before answering. “No. Suddenly, it’s like it never happened.”

“What do you mean by that?”

Cheryl glanced away from Dr. Rhodes, her eyes finding herself in the antique mirror over by the entrance to the room. Her brown eyes looked sad, and her skin paler than her usual fair complexion. Her red hair fell around her face in long waves. She averted her gaze from herself. “It’s like they don’t remember him.”

“What makes you think that?”

Cheryl tried not to roll her eyes. “Last semester, the school held a memorial assembly. Dedicated a whole football game to him. People kept coming up to me, offering condolences and trying to grieve with me. That was suffocating, but… this is somehow worse.”

“This?”

Cheryl released a frustrated breath. “Yes, this! People forgetting that he ever even existed! It’s like everyone spent their Christmas break forgetting him, forgetting what happened!” She realized suddenly how angry she sounded by the look of surprise on Dr. Rhodes’ face, and slowed her breathing. “It’s like him being gone doesn’t matter to anyone.”

“Have you spoken much to his friends? Maybe they are feeling the same way as you.”

“I was never close with his friends,” Cheryl said, glancing at the closed curtains, at the light peeking through the slit between them. “But they seem the same as everyone else.”

“I just think that if you spoke to someone who was as close with Jason as you were, that—”

“No one was as close to him as me,” Cheryl snapped suddenly, cutting off Dr. Rhodes. “He is… _was_ my twin.” She quieted herself. “No one was as close to him as me.”

“Right, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say it that way,” Dr. Rhodes explained apologetically, “I just mean, people who were close to him. “People who didn’t know him very well can’t be expected to grieve as hard or for as long as you. But maybe discussing your grief with his friends would help you, is all I meant to say.”

“Right. Well, I have no interest in discussing it with anyone. They wouldn’t understand.”

“Okay,” Dr. Rhodes said, unconvinced as usual. “Well, how about one of those grief support groups I brought up last week? Every week, people who lost close family members come together to discuss their feelings and support each other in getting through the hard feelings of grief. I think that may help you, Cheryl.”

“You don’t understand,” Cheryl insisted firmly, “I don’t _want_ to talk about it with anyone.”

“You say that, but you were just complaining that no one at school is talking about Jason. Clearly, you want to have more discussion about him.” Cheryl said nothing in response to Dr. Rhodes’ assessment. “What about your parents? I know you’ve said that their grieving process it different than yours, but you never elaborated. Have you tried to discuss your grief with them?”

Cheryl didn’t mean to actually laugh, but one escaped anyway. It was an empty, resentful laugh. “No, I haven’t. Allow me to elaborate on their different grieving process. Jason was my whole world—the only person in the world who understood me. I practically _watched_ him die. My parents have made it very clear that because of that, because I didn’t somehow save him, they blame me for his death.”

Dr. Rhodes looked very surprised to hear that, but she looked skeptical. Cheryl wasn’t surprised. “How have they made this clear?”

Cheryl sniffed, running a hand through her hair. “We don’t speak much anymore, but when we do, it’s always a spiteful comment about how I need to get over myself. It’s not so obvious, but I know what they mean.”

“You know, sometimes when we’re grieving, we interpret other’s actions and words as an attack, when it’s likely not one at all. There is probably a misunderstanding or miscommunication between you and your parents, Cheryl.”

Cheryl shook her head, dropping her hand down to the cheap couch she was sitting on. She gripped the fabric and looked at her therapist dead in the eyes. “No, Dr. Rhodes. It’s very clear. The only thing I could’ve done differently to keep my parents from being this way toward me would be if I had sacrificed myself for Jason. If I had been the one to die, to protect him, then maybe they would still care.”

* * *

“So how was your _appointment_?” Josie wondered, slamming her locker closed and breaking Cheryl out of her daze. Cheryl gently closed her own locker, after checking that she’d actually grabbed lunch, and started walking with Josie toward the cafeteria.

“Worse than usual,” Cheryl admitted plainly. “She thinks I’m crazy.”

“What, really? My mom specifically recommended to your parents that you see Dr. Rhodes. She was so nice when I talked to her a few years ago,” Josie insisted.

“Well, you were working through your parents getting divorced, not losing your twin brother,” Cheryl deadpanned.

“Right, right,” Josie agreed with a sigh, “sorry, Cher. I guess I thought that maybe after the winter break, you would be feeling a bit more like yourself.”

Cheryl looked at her friend with a bored expression. “Am I not acting like myself?”

“Come on, Cher. We both know that you’re not.” Cheryl didn’t say anything as they made their way to their usual table, with the cheer squad. “Maybe you’ll feel better come Monday.”

“Monday?”

“Mmhmm. Coach gave me her choreography notebook yesterday, and her ideas for our routines for competition this year are _awesome_. She’s having me work with her to get them to the best they can be. I was hoping you would maybe look at some of them with me this weekend? Everyone knows this is your area of expertise.”

“I’ll see if I have time,” Cheryl said, opening up her meal prepped lunch. Meal prepping her own lunches had been the only thing that Dr. Rhodes had suggested that actually helped. It was a nice distraction on Sundays.

“I really want the team to get to national’s this year,” Josie said with a grin. “What better way to end senior year, right?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Well, if you feel up to it, you should come over tomorrow and help me. I bet it will help you feel more like yourself.”

Suddenly, Chuck Clayton, one of the football players, was approaching the cheerleaders’ table. “Afternoon, ladies!” He wore a disgusting grin on his face as he looked at all the girls at the table. “I wanted to personally extend to you all an invitation to my party tonight. You all know the place.”

“And what, pray tell, is your cause for celebration?” Cheryl heard herself snap at him.

“We just finished the first week of our _last_ semester in high school,” Chuck said, his grin not fading from Cheryl’s tone. “Come on, Blossom, it’s probably your best chance to get laid, and everyone knows that you need it.”

Cheryl was up on her feet before she could stop herself, staring Chuck Clayton right in his face. “Excuse me?”

“I said that you need to get laid. More specifically, what I meant was that you need to get that giant stick out of your fucking ass—it’s such a waste.”

Cheryl didn’t remember lifting her hand, or even deciding on a response to Chuck’s statement. But she did remember the gasps she heard all around her, as her palm smacked Chuck’s face so hard that he actually staggered away a bit. “Don’t you dare speak to me like that.”

“Damn, girl,” Chuck said, straightening up and rubbing at his face a little. Cheryl saw some teachers rushing toward them. “I bet you are _feisty_ in bed.”

Cheryl practically lunged at Chuck then, but Josie jumped up and grabbed her before she could get far. “Calm down, Cher, you’re already in trouble.”

“Come on man,” Cheryl heard someone say to Chuck, “her brother died, you’re being a dick.”

“He was a shitty QB anyway,” Chuck muttered, glaring at Cheryl.

“What the hell is happening over here?” one of the teachers demanded. “Blossom, Clayton, principal’s office _right now_.”

* * *

“Does someone want to explain what happened just now?” Principal Smith demanded. “One of our senior cheerleaders slaps our quarterback in the middle of lunch? You guys are supposed to be role models to the rest of the school! What happened?”

Cheryl’s arms were crossed, her gaze set out the window.

“Principal Smith,” Chuck started, leaning forward in his seat, “I think there was a misunderstanding.”

“Hold on, Clayton. Blossom, what on Earth possessed you to slap another student in the face?”

Cheryl clenched her jaw. If she reported what actually happened to the principal, the football team and the cheerleading squad would all think badly of her. It was the way of high school. Maybe a few months ago, she would’ve done it anyway. But today, she couldn’t bring herself to care. “It was a misunderstanding,” she reiterated, although it made no sense, not moving her gaze from out the window. “And it won’t happen again.”

“What—excuse me? I need some context, you two!” Principal Smith exclaimed.

“I said something that Cheryl took the wrong way,” Chuck said, “and I don’t blame her for her response. But we’ve worked it out, sir, honestly.”

Principal Smith looked between the two of them. “Is that so, Miss Blossom?”

“Yes,” Cheryl answered, finally looking back at the older man. “It’s all worked out.”

Principal Smith sighed. “Well. Be as that may, everyone saw you slap Mr. Clayton. And we’ve already called both of your parents. It can’t go unpunished. So, Miss Blossom, you will have Saturday detention tomorrow, and three days detention next week.”

“Fine.”

“And both of you are being suspended for the rest of the day. You’ll go home with your parents. I’ll have your teachers email you any work you’ll miss.” Principal Smith stood from his desk and walked behind the two of them, leaving the office and saying something to the secretary outside about Cheryl’s detention.

Chuck leaned toward Cheryl. “In case it wasn’t obvious, you’re uninvited to my party, bitch.”

Cheryl scoffed. “It’s embarrassing that you thought I was even considering going after the way you just spoke to me.”

The principal walked back in. “Both of your parents are here. Get going. Don’t forget about detention tomorrow and next week, Miss Blossom.”

Cheryl got up from the chair, grabbing her backpack, and left the office as quickly as possible. Sure enough, Penelope Blossom was standing in the secretary’s office, looking beyond pissed off. “Really, Cheryl? Slapping a boy in the face?”

“Let’s go,” Cheryl snapped, pushing past her mother and heading for the exit.

As she walked out of the school building, her mother on her heels, she heard the older redhead demanding, “What on Earth has gotten into you? Do you not have any care about our family’s _reputation_? Do you know how many of those classmates of yours are going to go home and tell their parents about how a Blossom went off the rails?”

“Is that what I did?” Cheryl snapped.

“This sort of behavior is unacceptable, Cheryl, and there is absolutely no excuse.”

“Not even if I say that he insulted JJ?” Cheryl demanded, turning on her heel and almost causing her mother to run into her.

Penelope scoffed. “You are delusional, Cheryl. Everyone loved Jason. Stop making this harder for us by creating this sort of drama. We are all grieving, and you aren’t making it any easier for any of us!”

Cheryl wanted to scream that her grief should matter, too, but it wasn’t worth it. She let out a shaky breath, feeling tears in her eyes, and looked over at her car parking in the student lot. “I drove to school today, so I’ll drive myself home.”

“I’m calling Dr. Rhodes. Maybe one appointment a week isn’t enough.”

“Maybe not,” Cheryl said with an eyeroll. “See you at home.”

“I have a meeting with the mayor, so I’ll be at her office. Your father is in a meeting, so stay out of the west wing.”

“Got it,” Cheryl snapped, heading for her car. She opened the passenger door and tossed her backpack in before making her way around to the driver’s side.

* * *

“Your mom told me about what happened at school,” Dr. Rhodes stated, looking up from her pad of paper. “And she and I both agreed that we should talk again soon.”

“Saturday morning soon?” Cheryl muttered.

“Well, I can’t see you on Sundays, and I heard you have detention after school Monday through Wednesday next week. So, this was pretty much the only option,” Dr. Rhodes insisted. “Do you want to tell me what happened at school?”

“Chuck Clayton thinks that if I have sex with one of his dumb football friends, I’ll get over my twin brother dying.”

Dr. Rhodes furrowed her eyebrows. “Did he say that?”

“He told me that if I get laid it might help get the stick out of my ass.”

Dr. Rhodes sighed. “So, you slapped him.”

Cheryl crossed her arms over her chest. “He also said that Jason was a terrible quarterback.”

“So that’s what made you break?”

“No, I had already slapped him.”

Dr. Rhodes stared at Cheryl for a moment. “Did you tell your mother that?”

“Do you get the impression that she would care?” Cheryl wondered. She honestly wished that Dr. Rhodes would answer that question, but of course, the older woman just sighed and moved on.

“You know, Cheryl, I was thinking more about how you don’t feel comfortable discussing Jason with his friends, or your family. And I can understand why you’re hesitant to go to a grief support group, because that can make people feel really vulnerable. But I was thinking, maybe there’s some sort of activity you could join, outside of school, to expand your social bubble. Maybe talking to people who have no connection to your brother would help.”

Cheryl furrowed her eyebrows. “First you want me to talk to his friends, the people who knew him best, after me, and now you’re suggesting that I talk to people who never knew him at all?”

“Well, I don’t mean talk to these people about him necessarily. Just… maybe making some new friends, outside of your social bubble, would help.”

“No one at school is outside of my social bubble,” Cheryl said, “everyone knew Jason, and everyone knows me. And now, everyone also knows me as the crazy bitch who slapped Chuck Clayton at lunch yesterday.”

Dr. Rhodes shook her head. “That’s why I suggested an activity outside of school.”

“Like what? I already got demoted from head cheerleader when I couldn’t bounce back last semester, and I’m still trying just to keep up at practice now,” Cheryl complained. “How can you expect me to make time for a whole new activity on top of school and cheerleading?”

“It was a suggestion,” Dr. Rhodes said, “one that I also mentioned to your mother.”

“What did she say?”

Dr. Rhodes frowned. “Well, her suggestion was a bit extreme, and I told her that I don’t think it’s necessary, considering how close you are to graduation.”

“What?” Cheryl demanded. “What did she suggest?”

“She thought a complete change of scenery would help.”

“What like, we move somewhere?”

Dr. Rhodes pushed her glasses up her nose. “She was suggesting boarding school. But I told her that I think that would only make things worse, considering how close you are to graduating. I don’t think you need to do something extreme, Cheryl. I just think you need to find people to talk to. You’ve expressed to me in the past that you struggle to even talk about Jason to your best friend. And since you aren’t willing to ask her to come to a session with you to discuss it, I’m afraid that I don’t know what exactly will get you to open up to someone.”

“Maybe I’ll make new friends in detention,” Cheryl muttered.

Dr. Rhodes sighed. “Maybe that’s not the best place to make friends, Cheryl.”

Cheryl rolled her head back and looked up at the ceiling, thinking about how her mother would rather send her to boarding school than try to help her grieve. She thought about when Penelope insisted that Cheryl was creating drama and making it harder for others to grieve, as if she wasn’t grieving herself. “I think my mother would benefit from some therapy. More than me, at least.”

Dr. Rhodes hummed. “How about we discuss your relationship with your mother a bit more, hm?”

* * *

**Josie – Hey girl. What happened at the principal’s office yesterday? You didn’t text me at all yesterday and I was trying to give you some space, but I’m worried about you.**

**Cheryl – We both got sent home. I have detention this afternoon and three days next week.**

**Josie – What! You didn’t tell them what that asshole said?**

**Cheryl – What’s the point? The stupid football team would never let me hear the end of it if I did, and therefore, neither would the cheerleaders. I figured it’s better if everyone just forgets it.**

**Josie – I really am worried about you, Cher. You really don’t seem like yourself lately.**

**Cheryl – Hm. Wonder why.**

**Josie – Cheryl. Why don’t you just talk to me about Jason?**

**Cheryl – My mom made me see Dr. Rhodes again today. I don’t feel like talking anymore after that.**

**Josie – Fine, fine, I get it. But you know I love you, right?**

**Cheryl – Yeah of course. Love you too, J. I think I need some sleep.**

**Josie – It’s barely after noon.**

**Cheryl – So? Talk to you at practice Monday morning.**

**Josie – Yeah. Guess I’ll work on those routines myself.**

**Cheryl – You’ll do great.**

**Josie – Thanks. Hope you feel better after your nap.**

* * *

The detention classroom was also the woodshop classroom. Cheryl hadn’t even known that woodshop was still a thing until she saw the door of the room number she was given.

She wasn’t the only one in detention on Saturday, of course. There were four others, all guys. The teacher who was monitoring detention didn’t want to be there, as was apparent by his brief explanation that they weren’t to leave for the next two hours, and that they could work on homework if they wanted, followed by his quick disappearance from the room.

Cheryl didn’t recognize any of the guys in detention, but one of them seated in front of her turned around and looked right at her as soon as the teacher was gone. “I heard this is his punishment, too.”

“What?” Cheryl asked in confusion.

“Oh, sorry, the teacher. Mr. Rilke. Apparently, he gave one of the football player’s a curve he didn’t deserve on a test, but the family covered it up, and this was Mr. Rilke’s punishment. Host detention.”

“Cool.” Cheryl was already bored.

“So, you slapped Chuck Clayton.”

Cheryl rolled her eyes. “Excuse me, but who are you?”

“Oh, name’s Joaquin,” the guy said with a grin. “Sorry. I saw you slap Chuck Clayton yesterday.” Cheryl blinked. “He totally deserved it. I mean, I didn’t hear what he said, but that guy is a total asshole, so I know he must’ve deserved it.”

“Mmhmm.”

Joaquin cleared his throat awkwardly. “Sorry. I usually just try and talk through this stupid hour of detention. Makes it less agonizing.”

“You here a lot?” Cheryl wondered.

“Unfortunately. One of my teacher’s busts me for literally anything I do wrong.”

“Why do you do so much wrong?” Cheryl deadpanned.

Joaquin laughed at that, surprising Cheryl. “I text in class a lot and sometimes I sneak out during lunch to smoke weed. By the school’s rules, I’m one of the worst in this place. But a guy like Chuck Clayton’s never gonna end up in here, am I right?” Cheryl just blinked.

Joaquin gave her a half assed smile and then turned to face forward, and Cheryl let out a breath. She reached for her backpack and grabbed out her notebooks, determined to at least get some homework done while she was stuck here.

It was definitely boring, though, and after about half an hour, she started to tune into the conversation that had started between the four guys in the room. Joaquin was telling them about some college party at Eastwood University, which was about twenty minutes outside of town, in the city.

Cheryl blinked, thinking about bottomless beer and people who had no idea who she was. It sounded like heaven.

When detention was dismissed, and Cheryl was putting her homework away, she cleared her throat to get Joaquin’s attention. “What party were you talking about earlier?”

“The Eastwood one? Yeah, some guys I know who go there told me about it. It’s right off campus at one of the frat houses,” Joaquin said. “No clue which one, but I have the address. Why, you interested?”

Cheryl pulled one of her notebooks back out of her bag and flipped to the last page and offered Joaquin her pen. “Address?” He scribbled out the address on the piece of paper, before glancing at her funny.

“I didn’t realize you were into college parties.”

“You don’t know me,” Cheryl snapped, tearing the piece of paper out of her notebook before putting it away. She folded up the paper and shoved it into the pocket of her high waisted jeans.

“Right,” Joaquin said awkwardly. “Well… have a good day, I guess.”

Cheryl huffed when she finally left the room with her stuff. Before Jason died, people had been scared to speak to her, but now? It’s like she wore a big sign that said, “I’m fucked up now, so feel free to talk to me!” She didn’t appreciate it.

She drove straight home after detention, dropping all of her school stuff in her room and then swapping her blouse for a low cut, red tank top and an expensive black jacket. She touched up her makeup for good measure as well, staring herself down in the mirror for a few seconds stoically, and then made her way down to the kitchen for a quick dinner.

She wasn’t sure what time this college party was supposed to start, but seven in the evening found her Lyft dropping her off in front of the frat house. As she suspected, the house was already exuding party vibes—some sort of strobe lights could be seen through the windows, and music could be heard from the front yard.

Cheryl would have felt out of place as she walked into the frat house if she actually cared, which a few months ago, maybe she would have. Now, though, she made a beeline for where she assumed the kitchen would be for a drink—the reason she was here. She wouldn’t have been caught dead at Chuck’s party the previous night, even if she hadn’t slapped him during lunch, because going to high school parties just felt _wrong_.

And as Cheryl chugged a red solo cup full of beer, surrounded people who had no clue who she or her brother were, she realized that maybe her therapist’s suggestion had actually been well founded. Everyone here was partying, but no one was doing it in spite of a classmates’ death. In spite of her brother’s death.

After three beers and a lot of standing around, Cheryl was noticed by a few college guys who invited her to dance with them. Having lost some of her inhibitions, she agreed, and found herself pressed up against some of them in the middle of a bunch of dancing college aged students. The pounding music and alcohol in her veins was the only reason that she stayed dancing with them for longer than a few minutes, but after fifteen minutes, when one of them tried to reach around for her ass, she smacked his arm without hesitation and broke out of the crowd.

That was when someone happened to be passing out Jell-O shots. The girl with the cooler had sleek black hair, and was dressed in a black and white dress, her makeup done nicely. She didn’t look nearly as wasted as most people at the party. When she saw Cheryl scoping out the shots, her lips turned up into a small smile. “Shot?”

“Why not?” Cheryl heard herself ask, taking one of the little plastic cups and taking back the shot.

“I don’t recognize you,” the black haired girl said, “are you a transfer student?”

“Oh no, I—uh,” Cheryl started, blinking, “I don’t really go here.”

“Ah, okay. Well, don’t worry, I won’t tell. Not that anyone here really cares. Especially not any of those assholes,” the girl said, nodding to the crowd of guys Cheryl had just come from. Cheryl glanced back at them briefly, and then looked back at the other girl.

“You saw that, huh?”

The girl shrugged. “I thought you handled yourself well. I’m Veronica, by the way.”

“Cheryl,” Cheryl returned.

“Cute name,” Veronica said with a smile. “Well, Cheryl, in a little bit, some of us are going to be playing some drinking games in the living area upstairs. Gotta love these frat houses. So many rooms. Anyway, feel free to join us if you’re interested.”

Cheryl nodded. “Thanks.”

Knowing that if she was going to participate in any drinking games that she would definitely need some water, she left Veronica there in the living room and navigated back to the kitchen. There were a few water pitchers around, and she poured herself a big glass that she gulped back in a matter of seconds. She topped off the drink with some chips that were sitting out in a bowl.

Half an hour later found her wandering up the stairs finally, a new cup of beer in her hand. Sure enough, Veronica and a number of others had circled up on the floor in a big open living area, where the couches and tables had all been pushed up against the walls.

“Cheryl!” Veronica exclaimed in greeting. “Perfect timing, come join us!”

“Who’s this?” one guys wondered, glancing at Cheryl.

“This is Cheryl,” Veronica said, “she doesn’t know many people here and I saw her drinking alone, so I invited her to play with us.”

Cheryl wasn’t even bothered by the fact that the statement sounded slightly pitiful—once again, she had no cares in the world tonight. Getting wasted was her only goal.

“Shall we start with some Never Have I Ever?” a guy with red hair asked the group.

“I’m always down for making Fangs squirm,” another guy, with jet black hair, said with a wide grin across the circle at another dude, who scoffed.

“I’ll go first,” someone else volunteered. “Never have I ever had sex at one of these stupid frat parties.”

Half the group drank, a few of them exchanging funny looks with each other. The next person was about to go when suddenly someone else was walking into the room exclaiming, “Guys, I told you to fucking wait for me!”

Cheryl’s heart skipped a beat when she saw the person—the woman—who had just walked into the room from down some hallway. She was wearing fishnets and torn up jeans, a tight, amethyst colored crop top, and a leather jacket. Her dark hair was streaked with purple and pink. Cheryl found herself unable to keep her eyes off of the girl as she found a seat between the guy Cheryl remembered was called Fangs, and someone else.

“Sorry, T,” Veronica apologized. “Alright, let’s keep this going, I need to be drunker.”

“Never have I ever been in a long term relationship,” the next person finally said. A few drinks. Cheryl tried not to roll her eyes, wondering if she would even be able to get drunk from this game.

“Never have I ever done mutual masturbation with someone,” the next person—Fangs—said. He was eyeing the pink haired girl, who rolled her eyes and took a drink, along with a couple other people in the circle.

“Wait, do I want to know why you knew that about her, Fangs?” the black haired guy demanded.

“Let’s just say, if Veronica invites you over, make sure you have her check if Toni is entertaining or not,” Fangs said with a smirk.

The pink haired girl—Toni—scoffed. “ _Entertaining_ makes it sound so weird! She wasn’t even a hookup; I dated Kenzie for a few months.” Cheryl blinked, a little surprised when she heard Toni mention that she had been dating a woman. Cheryl didn’t know any girls at her school who were out as being into women, but she supposed in college that people were much more open about it.

Cheryl took a quick drink from her cup, needing the alcohol as she felt her heart racing from the prospect of this woman being into other women. She tried to pull her gaze away from her, but she couldn’t.

“Well, you should at least be locking your doors if you’re going to let your roommate invite people over while you’re entertaining whoever you’re dating!” Fangs exclaimed.

“Alright, alright, stop shitting on her,” Veronica insisted with a smirk. “Go, Toni.”

“Right. Never have I ever…” She trailed off a little as her gaze landed on Cheryl for the first time, her eyebrows knitting a little in confusion. Cheryl hoped that the breath she sucked in wasn’t audible, and that it wasn’t obvious she was holding it afterwards. Toni blinked and shifted her gaze away from Cheryl. “Never have I ever gotten so drunk that I blacked out.”

A few of the guys grumbled in annoyance as the drank, and Cheryl tried to be inconspicuous as she raised her own cup to her lips. If anyone noticed, they didn’t bother asking her for a story. No surprise there, she supposed, none of these people even knew her.

They didn’t even make it all the way around to Cheryl before someone was complaining about wanting to play a different game. Someone suggested truth or dare, and a few people counted themselves out. Cheryl also wasn’t particularly interested in playing, so she quickly downed the last of her beer and excused herself to get another drink.

“Do you want us to wait for you, Cheryl?” Veronica asked.

“Oh no, it’s fine,” Cheryl insisted, standing up from the circle.

“I’m also empty,” Toni said suddenly, “I’ll come with.”

Cheryl hoped she didn’t look alarmed as she nodded, and Toni stood up with her empty cup and started following Cheryl downstairs. “So, how do you know the group?” Toni wondered.

“I don’t,” Cheryl said. “I met Veronica tonight, she asked if I wanted to join.”

“Cool,” Toni responded, looking interestingly at Cheryl. “Not in the mood for truth or dare?”

“Kind of a weird game to play with people you don’t know well, isn’t it?” Cheryl asked. Toni shrugged.

“Yeah, I guess. Well, the truths part. Dares can still be hilarious,” Toni insisted with a grin. Cheryl smiled a little. They made it to the kitchen, and Cheryl was reaching for the beer keg when Toni said, “I’m going to mix up something, do you want one too?”

“Uh, with what?” Cheryl asked, setting her cup down on the counter and watching as Toni invited herself to open one of the cabinets and pull out a glass bottle of vodka. She waved it at Cheryl and winked. Confusion must have been written on Cheryl’s face, because Toni chuckled before explaining.

“Some of those guys up there who are my friends live here,” she assured Cheryl. “So, you want something or not?”

“Sure,” Cheryl agreed. She watched as Toni mixed some soda, juice, and vodka up in their cups with some ice before passing one back to Cheryl. Cheryl was a bit skeptical to try it, but when she took a sip, it actually wasn’t bad.

“Good, right?”

“Not horrible,” Cheryl said with a little laugh. “You a bartender or something?”

“Nah, but I know how to make alcohol taste less shitty so I can drink more if it,” Toni teased. She took a long drink from her cup. “So, you wanna go back up there, or should we try to stay out of that truth or dare situation?”

Cheryl blinked, her heart racing again. “Where else would we go?”

Toni grinned. “Come on.” She slipped out of the kitchen, Cheryl on her heels, and led her to the backyard. There were quite a few stoners hanging out back there, unsurprisingly, Cheryl supposed. She was about to ask what they were doing there when Toni started walking along the back wall of the house over to a ladder that was propped up against the brick wall. “We climb.”

“With full drinks in our hands?”

Toni chuckled. She stepped two rungs up on the ladder and hoisted herself up with her free arm, hooking her arm over a higher rung and switching the cup into that hand. She repeated it her way up the ladder, and suddenly she was up on the roof.

“I think I might be too drunk to do that!” Cheryl exclaimed from the ground.

She heard Toni laugh a little, and her heart skipped a beat. Before she knew it, Toni was back on the ground, taking her drink from her, and climbing back up the ladder. Cheryl followed suit this time, her hands empty. When she reached the roof, she found Toni seated on the side of the roof, with their cups balancing on the top of the storm drain.

“Had a lot of practice, have we?” Cheryl asked, quirking up an eyebrow. Toni laughed again, grabbing Cheryl’s drink and handing it to her. Cheryl settled next to Toni on the roof, taking a drink.

“Cool, right?” Toni asked, nodding toward the view. Cheryl realized that they were looking over a bunch of other houses to where there were a lot of buildings and greenery spread pleasantly across the landscape.

“Campus,” Cheryl stated, realizing that must be what they were looking at.

Toni looked at her funny. “Obviously.” Cheryl glanced at the girl.

“I don’t actually go here,” she admitted.

“Oh,” Toni said. “Where do you go? Or are you graduated?”

Cheryl blushed a little as she admitted, “Actually, I’m a senior. In high school.”

“Shit.” Toni looked very surprised. “Are you—”

“I’m eighteen,” Cheryl added quickly. “If that’s what you were going to ask.”

Toni smirked. “Yeah, I was going to say, I usually expect most people here to be under twenty-one hoping for some access to alcohol, but I don’t think I’ve met anyone under eighteen at one of these stupid parties.”

Cheryl chuckled, taking another drink and looking toward campus.

“You coming here next year?” Toni wondered.

“I applied,” Cheryl answered. That was true, but she also applied to a lot of other schools.

“Cool,” Toni said. “It’s small, but it’s nice that way. And it’s actually ranked higher than you’d think, considering its size.”

Cheryl glanced at Toni. “So, you and Veronica are roommates?”

“Yeah, we live…” Toni glanced out toward campus, pointing a tall building off to the right. “In that building, right off of campus.”

“God that must be nice,” Cheryl mumbled.

“What? Living with Veronica?” Toni teased.

Cheryl looked at the pink haired girl’s smile and laughed as well. “Ha. I meant not living at home.”

“Yeah, it’s nice,” Toni agreed quietly.

Cheryl nodded slowly, taking another drink. Weirdly, she felt something like guilt in her stomach from Toni thinking she was a college student, and then her worrying for a second that she was under eighteen. Surprising herself, Cheryl heard herself suddenly say, “I wasn’t trying to be deceitful or anything. By not mentioning that I’m in high school. I’m just… trying to forget everything tonight. You know?”

“Trust me, I get that.” Toni agreed. She glanced at Cheryl, lifting her cup a little for a toast. “To forgetting about everything tonight.”

Cheryl smiled a little, tapping her plastic cup against Toni’s before they both took a drink. Toni’s phone beeped suddenly, and she pulled it out of her jacket pocket. “Veronica,” she said out loud, “making sure you didn’t murder me, I guess.”

“Ironic,” Cheryl said with a half-smile that turned into a full one when Toni grinned at the joke.

Toni put her phone away after answering Veronica. “Maybe we keep up never have I ever.”

Cheryl lifted an eyebrow at the other girl but found herself shrugging. “Okay.”

“I don’t think you ever got a turn.”

“Never have I ever been enrolled in college.”

Toni rolled her eyes, but Cheryl caught the little smile on her face as she took a drink. “Fine. Never have I ever—wait. I can’t fucking say been in high school because I literally went to high school.”

Cheryl couldn’t even try to stop her laughter. “Shit, how drunk are you?”

“Whatever. Never have I ever had red fucking hair.”

Cheryl finally stifled her laughter and took a drink. “Never have I ever… had a one night stand.” Toni didn’t take a drink.

“Nope,” she said instead. “All my one night stands turned into at _least_ three nightstands.”

“Wow.”

“What can I say? They keep coming back.” Cheryl smirked. “Okay. Never have I ever… had a boyfriend.” She looked at Cheryl expectantly, but the redhead was shaking her head.

“Nope. Never have I ever had a girlfriend.” Toni shook her head back. “What? What about that girl you said you dated for a few months?”

“Dating and girlfriend are not the same thing,” Toni insisted. “But I am surprised you’ve never been in a relationship either.”

“Why?” Cheryl wondered, twisting a little to look at the pink haired girl a bit easier.

“I don’t know,” Toni answered, looking at Cheryl’s face. “You’re just… like, objectively good looking.”

“Objectively,” Cheryl repeated.

“Yeah.”

“Well. I guess people don’t appreciate my _sunny_ disposition,” Cheryl said sarcastically.

“Oh, come on, you don’t seem that bad.”

Cheryl looked pointedly at Toni. “What happened to forgetting about everything?”

“Right, right. Okay. Never have I ever… ugh, I can’t think of anything that you’ve probably done that I haven’t done.”

Cheryl laughed at that. “What does that mean? You don’t even know me.”

“Yeah, but I’ve got two years on you.”

Cheryl shrugged, taking a drink and realizing that her cup was already almost empty. “Well, guess that’s game over then. Does that mean I win?”

Toni laughed. “I’m not sure that’s how it works.”

Cheryl carefully propped her cup on the storm drain and then laid back against the roof shingles. After a moment, Toni did the same thing. They laid there in silence for a few seconds, and Cheryl felt her heart still pounding in her chest.

“I guess we just met,” Toni said, “so maybe this is weird. But whatever shit you’re trying to forget… I’m sure it’s going to be fine. There’s been sometimes in my life where I couldn’t imagine what my life could even possibly be like in a month or even a week. But I’ve always made it through, you know?”

Cheryl smiled a little, surprised at the little bit of warmth she felt in her chest. “Thanks.” She bit down on the inside of her lip, feeling a strangely tense silence between them. Finally, she broke it by joking, “Although, you could be totally spewing random bullshit right now, for all I know.”

Toni chuckled. “True.”

Cheryl didn’t know how long they laid there for, just that at some point, she decided to finish the last of her drink, and Toni did the same, and she got a little lost staring into the stars in the sky. At some point, someone from the backyard yelled up, “Toni! Are you up there?”

Toni sat up. “Shit,” she said, as she glanced at her phone, “we’ve been up here a while. Probably should get back to civilization.”

Cheryl groaned, sitting up as well. “Guess so. What time is it?”

“Almost midnight,” Toni answered. Sighing, Cheryl pulled her phone out of her pocket. She started to call herself a Lyft. “What’re you doing?”

“Getting a Lyft home,” Cheryl answered, glancing at Toni, who nodded.

“Oh, okay.”

Cheryl bit down on the inside of her lip, looking Toni’s face for a few moments. “Hey,” she heard herself say suddenly, as she swiped up on her phone and navigated to her contacts app, “would you be interested in helping me forget about everything some other time?”

Toni lifted an eyebrow, and Cheryl offered her phone to the pink haired girl. Toni smiled a little as she took it and started typing in her contact information. Cheryl looked down at the new field for Toni Topaz. “Maybe,” Toni teased as she handed it back to the younger girl. “Text me, and we’ll see.”

Cheryl smiled a little as Toni slid past her toward the ladder, tossing the two empty solo cups to the ground.

“I’ll go down first; in case I need to catch you.”

“I’m not that drunk.”

“I don’t believe you,” Toni teased.

“You’re the one who forgot you went to high school,” Cheryl exclaimed, as Toni started climbing down. Cheryl peered down and saw Toni climbing down. A few of the guys from the game, as well as Veronica, were standing around waiting for her. Cheryl took in a breath and carefully started her climb down as well.

As she neared the ground, she heard Fangs say, “You know you almost hit me with those fucking cups, T.”

“Almost? Fuck, my aim sucks.”

Cheryl smirked a little as she touched down onto the ground. She pulled her phone back out of her pocket to finish calling herself a Lyft. “You heading out, Cheryl?” Veronica wondered. “We were going to order pizza, if you wanted to stay?”

Cheryl considered taking the offer, her finger hovering over the button to finalize her Lyft ride. But she already knew that she already wouldn’t hear the end of it for disappearing on a Saturday night after getting in trouble at school, so she may as well try not to stay out all night. Plus, Veronica was looking between Toni and Veronica with a suspicious hint in her eyes that was making Cheryl blush a little. “Thanks, but I should get home.”

“Alright. Well, it was nice to meet you,” Veronica said.

“Yeah, you guys too,” Cheryl agreed, waving a little, before she quickly headed inside and toward the front door, finishing ordering her Lyft. As she exited the front door and went to sit on the curb, she took in a deep breath and wondered why she felt so different than when she arrived.

When her Lyft pulled up a few minutes later, she finally realized what it was. For the first time in months, she had finally felt something. And not just something, but something _good_.


	2. dampened emotions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the week following Cheryl Blossom slapping Chuck Clayton, she finds herself wanting to spend more time with and talking to her "new friend" Toni.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Afternoon, everyone! I figured it's never too soon for the next chapter to go up, so here I am providing chapter 2 of this story!  
> Already super psyched about the feedback I've gotten here and on Twitter, you are all so amazing and I am so excited to be back to giving you guys some Choni content <3 I always appreciate the comments/tweets/DMs etc <3
> 
> For this chapter, TW: therapy, discussion of dissociation & lack of emotion
> 
> Without further ado, please enjoy chapter 2!

“The absolute disregard that you have for the rules never ceases to _astound_ me, you ungrateful child,” Penelope Blossom was seething on Sunday morning. “You know that the curfew in this house is eleven, and yet you actively ignore it. Not only that, but when you’re _already_ in _more_ trouble for literally assaulting another student, you still didn’t think that rule was worth following.”

Cheryl took another bite of her eggs, which she had made herself after waking up about an hour earlier. One good thing about Cheryl was that she never got hangovers, so she was up just after nine in the morning and was now already dressed and nearly finished with her breakfast. She was probably only ten minutes away from being able to at least escape back to her room before her mother was able to get on to her for the previous night.

“Cheryl Marjorie Blossom!” Penelope exclaimed. “Are you even paying me any attention?”

“Not really,” Cheryl deadpanned. “I learned that from you, mother.”

Penelope scoffed. “Do you ever tire of making up these horrible delusions? I have been nothing but a loving mother to you for your whole life, and you repay me by becoming absolutely intolerable after we already had to go through losing Jason!”

Cheryl pursed her lip for a moment, before continuing eating and doing her best to temper her anger. After a pause, Penelope crossed her arms over her chest.

“Excuse me? No response?”

Cheryl glanced up at her mom. “Were you waiting for me to say something? I was trying to think of an example of a time when you were a ‘loving mother.’ Sorry.”

Penelope shook her head, clearly exasperated. “I am going to have a discussion with your father about this.”

“And do what? Send me to boarding school?” Cheryl deadpanned. Penelope narrowed her eyes at Cheryl. “What? You’d probably be doing me a favor—who knows? The people there might actually give a damn about me.”

Penelope stormed off then, and Cheryl would have smiled at having won that battle if it weren’t for how dampened her emotions were. She finished her breakfast and did the dishes without a single revelation of any emotion on her face.

She considered holing up in her room for the rest of the day to finish do homework, but she didn’t have anything due on Monday, and she had all of detention Monday afternoon to work. So instead, she decided to go over to Josie’s. Her best friend had been texting her all morning, anyway, begging her for help with the cheer routines.

So, Cheryl turned up at the McCoy household, and she and Josie spent the morning and early afternoon in the latter’s bedroom, going through the steps in the coach’s choreography booklet. Cheryl actually enjoyed the distraction from her lack of feelings—she thought of choreography pretty technically, so it was easy to get lost in it.

After a while, though, she let Josie completely take over as she started to rehearse it, jotting down notes for future self, when she would be teaching the cheer squad. In the meantime, Cheryl sprawled across Josie’s full sized bed and opened her phone, looking for something to take her attention. Social media seemed pretty dead for a weekend—probably because she was avoiding checking any page that might have any images from Chuck Clayton’s stupid party—but as she was about to give up, she remembered that she had one thing she could do on her phone.

She opened her messages app and started a new text thread with one Toni Topaz.

**Cheryl – Are you sure you weren’t more wasted last night? There’s like three typos in your name. I’m not even convinced you gave me the right number.**

Cheryl bit down on the inside of her lip as she stared at the message for a moment before hitting send. She waited impatiently, staring at the screen, until the little typing bubble appeared on the screen.

**Toni – Fucking liar. I was not that drunk, and even if I was, I am actually a very coherent drunk. Nice try though. I bet you’re nursing one hell of a hangover.**

**Cheryl – Actually, I don’t get hangovers.**

**Toni – Who’d you have to sell your soul to for that? Give me their number!**

**Cheryl – Lmao.**

**Toni – So, you really already wanting another distraction from life or what?**

**Cheryl – No. I’m with a friend right now, just wanted to make sure that your number was right.**

**Toni – Uh huh, okay.**

**Toni – I’m at work right now. So, if I disappear at a moment’s notice, that’s why.**

**Cheryl – Where do you work?**

Toni didn’t reply to the text for a few minutes, so Cheryl rolled her eyes and locked her phone, rolling onto her back and then looking over at Josie. “I’m hungry.”

Josie paused what she was doing and looked over at Cheryl. “Wanna hit Starbucks? I could use a coffee.”

Ten minutes later found the two of them sitting in the local Starbucks, each with a cup of coffee and a pastry. As they ate, Josie tilted her head. “Can I ask you something, Cher?”

“Sure.”

“How are you? Like, really?” Cheryl shrugged. “Because… I know you’re not good. Right, and I know it’s a stupid question to ask. You lost one of the most important people in your life, I know that. Just… you’ve seemed kind of all over the place lately, and after Friday and getting detention and everything… I just want you to know that I’m here for you.”

Cheryl looked down at her drink, tapping her nails onto the sides of the cup. Finally, she sighed. “I don’t really want to talk about it, Jos.”

“I know,” Josie said softly, “I just want you to know that I’m here for you. So, if you want to talk about it, or vent, or just completely distract yourself… you know I’m here for you.”

Cheryl wanted to say that she appreciated it, but that it didn’t work. Josie didn’t distract Cheryl from Jason at all. No, Cheryl and Josie had been best friends for years, and Jason being Cheryl’s twin, it was obvious that one would remind her of the other. Whether it was a memory of football games, Josie and Cheryl cheering him on with the squad, or even further back, when Jason used to try to flirt with Josie during her sleepovers with Cheryl in middle school.

She didn’t say any of that, though, because she understood the point of Josie’s words, and she did appreciate them. She looked up at Josie and realized that her friend was waiting for her to get emotional. It was evident by her concerned eyes, and the slight tension she was sitting with, like she was preparing to wrap Cheryl up in a hug.

“Thank you, Jos,” Cheryl said softly, trying to sound like she was maybe keeping her emotions at bay, when in reality, she didn’t really feel anything. “You know I appreciate it.”

Josie smiled. “Yeah. Yeah, okay. Good.”

* * *

**Toni – Tattoo You.**

Cheryl checked her phone a few hours later, when she was sprawled across her own bed, alone, having given in to doing homework to avoid being bored to death.

**Cheryl – What?**

Cheryl sat up and closed her textbook, deciding that she could take a break about now anyway.

**Toni – I work at “Tattoo You,” that one tattoo shop near Eastwood U.**

**Cheryl – Oh. So, you give people tattoos?**

**Toni – Yep. It’s the perfect gig for an art major.**

**Cheryl – Art major. That’s cool.**

**Cheryl – I’d like to see some of your work.**

**Cheryl – Tattoos, I mean.**

**Toni – You thinking about getting a tattoo?**

**Cheryl – God no.**

**Toni – What? Really? Why not?**

**Cheryl – Have you seen my skin? Why would I voluntarily mar it?**

**Toni – Lmfao. Have you heard of your liver? Why would you voluntarily drown it in alcohol??**

**Cheryl – Yeah but you can’t see damage to a liver.**

**Toni – Oh come on, tattoos are hot.**

Cheryl bit down on her lip, not sure why she was getting shy from reading Toni’s message when it had absolutely nothing to do with Cheryl.

**Cheryl – Do you have tattoos?**

**Toni – What makes you think that? Because I’m hot? ;)**

Cheryl sucked in a breath, sure that she was blushing now. Her heart was beating faster now, too, as she typed out her response.

**Cheryl – Because you’re a tattoo artist.**

**Toni – Lmfao yeah, I have a bunch.**

**Toni – Anyway, I’m not going to try and convince you to get a tattoo. Some people come in here, get one, and then have a panic attack about permanence and shit. I would never try and convince someone to get one ever.**

**Cheryl – That’s good. I would consider it highly unethical if you did.**

**Toni – I think you’re different when you’re sober.**

**Cheryl – Different?**

**Toni – Yeah, you talk funny.**

**Cheryl – You’re not even listening to me talk.**

**Toni – You said “highly unethical” and “voluntarily mar it” lol.**

**Cheryl – You know, good point, you’re the one in college. You should be saying shit like that, and I should be saying shit like “I can’t fucking say I haven’t been in high school because I literally went to high school!”**

**Toni – Wow. Okay, rude.**

**Cheryl – You’re the one insulting how I talk.**

**Toni – Actually, I wasn’t insulting it.**

**Cheryl – You said I talk “funny.”**

**Toni – Well who says funny is bad? Maybe I meant funny as in like, cute funny.**

Cheryl sucked her bottom lip into her mouth, biting her teeth into it. She could feel her heartbeat in her ears. She couldn’t think of anything smart to say in response, so she finally just took in a breath and changed topics.

**Cheryl – Whatever. So, are you done with work now then?**

**Toni – Pretty much. Just got done with back to back clients. One of them was this old lady who went to church with her family, and then turned up to get an upside down cross tattooed on her lower back.**

**Cheryl – The Cross of Saint Peter: actually not as Satanic as some people think it is. In fact, traditionally it’s not Satanic at all.**

**Toni – Whack. Religious expert?**

**Cheryl – Not really. I started getting out of going to church when I was ten and I realized that I could pretend to see dead people during the sermon and people would freak the fuck out.**

**Toni – OMG I’m dead. That’s incredible.**

**Cheryl – My parents didn’t really appreciate it, but. I thought it was hilarious.**

**Toni – I love that for you.**

**Toni – But anyway, yeah, done with work for the day. Just finished cleaning up my shit and now I’m going to get some dinner.**

Cheryl pursed her lips together for a moment, before making a decision.

**Cheryl – Any chance you want company?**

* * *

Cheryl had her hands shoved into her coat pockets as she walked from her car to the little café that was a few minute walk from where Toni’s apartment building apparently was. Toni had mentioned that she got a student discount at it, and so she frequented it a lot. Cheryl honestly hadn’t cared where Toni was going. All she knew was that she had an intense need to talk to Toni. Part of her was also curious about whether or not she would feel as electrified around her sober as she was when she was drunk.

She pushed her way into the café and glanced around, looking for Toni. She finally spotted her in a corner booth, an untouched meal in front of her as she typed some stuff on her phone. She was wearing a gray sweater and holey jeans, and the same leather jacket as yesterday. She was wearing jewelry and makeup, and the top layer of her hair was tied up in space buns, the rest falling in pink and purple waves.

Cheryl sucked in a breath and walked up to the café counter to order. She ended up just getting a salad and some hot tea, paying quickly and taking her little order number before making her way to where Toni was seated.

“Evening,” Cheryl greeted, drawing Toni’s gaze.

“Oh hey,” Toni said with a smile, “sorry.” She pocketed her phone as Cheryl sat on the other side of the booth and set her order number on the edge of the table.

“No problem. I just ordered some food.”

“Cool,” Toni said with a nod, sitting up straighter and eating a fry on the plate in front of her—which held just a sandwich and fries—as if she didn’t want to seem like she’d been waiting for Cheryl to arrive to eat. Cheryl tried not to blush at the fact that she was pretty sure that was the case. “So, you don’t have anything better to do on a Sunday night?”

“I guess I could’ve gone and gotten a Cross of Saint Peter tattoo on my back?” Cheryl lifted an eyebrow at the older girl, who snickered.

“No, no, you need something more unique than that,” Toni insisted.

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Like…” Toni hummed, snacking on another fry. “Maybe the words: ‘I can’t believe I marred my beautiful skin.’”

Cheryl rolled her eyes, hoping that she wasn’t blushing. “I’ll pass, but thanks.”

Toni grinned. “Come on, we could do like, some really pretty lettering. I’m _great_ at lettering.”

“Is that so?”

Toni suddenly shrugged off her leather jacket and pushed up her left sleeve, showing off her forearm and, more specifically, the words tattooed there. “I did these myself.” Cheryl leaned a little further over the table to read the words.

“’Nobility,’” she started out loud, “’love, passion, purpose.’ Why those words?”

“That’s what the Topaz stone represents,” Toni answered. “But the lettering. It’s pretty, right?”

It was loopy cursive, and it actually was really pretty. “Yeah, it is.”

Toni smiled proudly, and before either of them said anything else, a server was bringing over a mug of hot tea and a salad. When the server left, Cheryl giving her a quick thank you, Toni tilted her head and asked, “So, what were you up to before this?”

“I was just doing homework,” Cheryl answered, “but it’s not due until like Wednesday. I was just bored.” She groaned suddenly. “I can’t believe I was doing homework because I was bored. Me four months ago would absolutely die knowing that.”

Toni snickered. “Yeah, that is not a good reason to do homework,” she joked. “I hated homework in high school. It was all like, busy work. I did it all in the passing periods.”

Cheryl rolled her eyes. “Okay well, I’m not usually that careless.”

“Who you calling careless? I graduated high school with like a 3.5 GPA,” Toni insisted.

“Hmm,” Cheryl hummed, thinking about her own GPA and how it had slipped below a 4.0 for the first time last semester. “Well, some of us have even higher standards than that.”

“Shit, you really keep surprising me,” Toni admitted.

“What do you mean?” Cheryl wondered.

Toni shrugged. “I don’t know, I just didn’t really get ‘gives a shit about school’ vibes from you yesterday.” Cheryl shrugged. “I mean it’s fine. See this is what I’m saying, though. You’re different sober.”

“Everyone is different sober.”

Toni lifted an eyebrow. “Am I?”

Cheryl took a bite of her salad, and Toni finally started eating her sandwich, as the redhead tried to think of a way to lie and say that Toni was different sober. The truth was, though, that she seemed just as fun and carefree and kind as she had the night before, and Cheryl was no less captivated by the woman than she was when she was four or five drinks in.

“Toni?” someone called suddenly, drawing Toni’s gaze past Cheryl, who turned around slightly to see the black haired guy from the previous night.

“Oh hey,” Toni greeted. “Sweet Pea, you remember Cheryl from last night, right?”

The guy—Sweet Pea—looked at Cheryl curiously. “Oh yeah, the one you brought up to the roof.”

“Yeah, we were hiding from your stupid truth or dare shit,” Toni said.

“You guys mind if I join you?” Sweet Pea asked, lifting his own order number. Toni glanced at Cheryl.

“No of course not,” Cheryl said quickly, and then Toni scooted over to allow Sweet Pea to sit down. Cheryl tried not to seem too disappointed or uncomfortable as she continued to eat.

“Veronica mentioned that you don’t go to Eastwood U,” Sweet Pea said, “so what’s got you so close to campus?” Clearly, Sweet Pea hadn’t caught on to the fact that Cheryl had come to have dinner _with_ Toni, but she supposed it was because this was a place frequented by college students. People probably met up like this all the time here.

“I’m trying to branch out. You know, socially,” Cheryl answered, taking another bite.

“Sucky friends?” Sweet Pea wondered.

Cheryl didn’t want to admit that her issue wasn’t friend quality, but more like quantity and closeness to her dead brother, so she just nodded. “You could say that.” Toni was looking at Cheryl curiously, but the redhead just gave her a halfhearted smile.

“Sucky friends suck,” Sweet Pea stated unnecessarily, and Cheryl didn’t miss Toni snicker before she took another bite of her sandwich. “I would know. My best friend sucks _dick_.”

Toni glared at him as she chewed. After she swallowed, she said, “Uh, your best friend hasn’t sucked a dick in at least a year, thank you very much.” Cheryl smirked.

Sweet Pea looked revolted. “Okay gross, dude I wasn’t being literal. And I don’t need to know that. Ugh. But also… really?” Cheryl suppressed a laugh as she continued to graze from her salad.

“Yeah,” Toni said, lifting an eyebrow. Sweet Pea nodded thoughtfully. Cheryl and Toni shared a look of confusion, and the older girl rolled her eyes. “You’re so fucking weird, man.”

Sweet Pea’s food arrived then, a soda and a meal similar to Toni’s. As the three of them ate, they continued to talk. Well, Sweet Pea launched into a story about his day that Cheryl mostly listened to while Toni commentated throughout it, which was pretty amusing. When Cheryl and Toni were both finished with their food, and Sweet Pea was still finishing up, Cheryl let out a breath.

“Well, I should probably be heading out,” she said. “It was nice to see you both.” Toni gave her a curious look, probably for how much Cheryl was playing up Sweet Pea’s assumption that she hadn’t intentionally met up with Toni. But Cheryl didn’t want to presume anything about what Toni was thinking or wanting to tell her friends, and it was just easier for Sweet Pea to keep thinking that for now.

“Yeah, okay,” Toni said with a nod. “It was nice to see you, too.”

“Yeah, Red, good seeing you! Hey, you going to be at Friday’s party?” Sweet Pea asked.

“Sorry?” Cheryl asked, not sure what party he was talking about.

Toni blinked. “Um, it’s not a frat party,” she said quickly, “it’s actually at our friend Archie’s place. You’re totally welcome to come if you want. I can message you the time and place… you know, if you’re interested.”

Cheryl nodded. “Okay, yeah I’ll see what I have going on Friday.”

“Cool,” Toni said with a nod.

“Yeah, it’ll be a ton of fun, and you’ll get to meet our friends who totally don’t suck dick,” Sweet Pea said with a dopey grin.

“Well, some of them suck dick. Like Fangs, and Veronica,” Toni teased, grinning.

Cheryl actually laughed at that, rolling her eyes. “Yeah, okay. I’ll let you know. Send me the time and place.”

“Sure.”

“You two have a good night.”

“You too, Red!” Sweet Pea called, and Cheryl finally made her exit, a smile on her face.

* * *

“So, you seem a bit…”

“Tired?” Cheryl asked Dr. Rhodes.

Dr. Rhodes shook her head thoughtfully. “Actually, I was going to say more energized than usual.”

It was interesting that Dr. Rhodes thought that Cheryl seemed energized because she didn’t feel it. It was Thursday, and the week had been absolutely grueling thus far. Cheer practice first thing in the morning, the new semester picking up in every class, and two hours of detention after school every day was a lot to handle. Especially with Josie video calling her every night to run through the routines she was working on for cheer, and Cheryl’s father finally approaching her about the slapping incident with some threats about boarding school. Cheryl felt absolutely drained, and the only thing that was keeping her going was the Eastwood party at Archie’s place on Friday night.

“What’s your response to that?”

“Uh, what makes me seem energized?” Cheryl asked.

“Actually, it’s your posture,” Dr. Rhodes explained, gesturing to how Cheryl was sitting. “You seem more alert today than I can remember you looking since you started seeing me. Any idea what might have changed that?”

“Not really,” Cheryl lied. “I’ve been dealing with cheer practice every morning. Detention after school. My parents keep threatening me with boarding school. I feel exhausted, not energized.”

“They’re threatening you with boarding school?” Dr. Rhodes wondered.

“Yeah, well, I pissed them off even more last weekend by coming home late Saturday night,” Cheryl admitted.

“Were you with Josie?” Dr. Rhodes wondered.

Cheryl sighed, knowing that she shouldn’t admit everything to Dr. Rhodes, but she also knew that Dr. Rhodes wasn’t legally allowed to tell her parents anything specific about their sessions unless she seemed like a threat to herself or others. “No, I wasn’t. I actually went out with some new friends.”

“Out?”

“To a party,” Cheryl said. “I didn’t drink,” she lied instantly, “and even if I had, which I _didn’t_ , I took a Lyft, so. Anyway, it was just a chill thing.”

“Who are these new friends?” Dr. Rhodes asked skeptically. “You had detention on Saturday afternoon, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, but no it wasn’t with anyone from there. I barely even talked to anyone in detention all week,” Cheryl said. “It’s just a new group of people. Some people from outside of school, _like you suggested_. Who don’t know me very well and never knew Jason.”

That got Dr. Rhodes’ attention, pleasing Cheryl. “And? How has that been?”

Cheryl sighed, not really wanting to admit that her therapist’s advice had helped, but she figured that there wasn’t a point in lying. “It’s nice, actually. I feel like…” She trailed off, and was surprised when Dr. Rhodes stayed quiet, letting her think. “I can actually have fun again, maybe.”

“What was stopping you from having fun before?”

“Well, whenever everyone at school is having parties and hanging out… it’s like they’re doing it _despite_ Jason being dead. Like… it doesn’t matter that he died. But these new friends… it’s just normal. Because they don’t know that anyone died.”

Dr. Rhodes nodded in understanding, but she didn’t look entirely pleased with the answer. She didn’t question Cheryl any further, though. “Well, that is very good to hear. That you can have some _safe_ fun again.” Cheryl tried not to smirk at the implication that Dr. Rhodes didn’t entirely believe that Cheryl hadn’t drank at all. “So, do you feel like it could be these new friends that have you looking a bit more energized?”

Cheryl shrugged, despite knowing the answer. “Maybe. I’m hanging out with them tomorrow.”

“Well, that’s really good, Cheryl, I’m happy to hear it. But… I do want you to try not to lose touch with your old friends, okay? I know you and Josie have always been so close. And I am sure that she can understand your loss fairly well. Have you managed to open up to her about it yet?”

Cheryl sighed. “She’s busy being cheer captain now. You know, since I went off the rails and had to step down.”

“I’m sure those aren’t her words?”

“No,” Cheryl grumbled.

“Well, I won’t tell you what to do. But while I think having some friends outside of the situation is definitely going to help, I really believe that _talking_ about your grief will help you actually work through it. And I feel that you have even held back in our sessions.”

“What’s there to talk about?” Cheryl demanded. “He’s gone. It’s horrible. I had the worst few months of my life, and now no one even seems to care. About me or him.”

“Please, Cheryl. I’m trying to help, not attack you. Have you… have you cried recently?” Dr. Rhodes wondered.

Cheryl rolled her eyes. “Not since those first few weeks.”

“So, what would you say that you feel most days? Sadness? Anger? Resentment?”

“Resentment toward who?” Cheryl demanded. Before Dr. Rhodes could clarify, Cheryl answered, “I don’t really feel any of those things.”

“So, what do you feel?” Cheryl shrugged. “Close your eyes.” Cheryl barely resisted rolling her eyes before she let her eyelids fall closed. “Feel where your body is. Your feet touching the ground. Your hands in your lap. Does anything feel… wrong or tight or uncomfortable?”

Cheryl took in a breath as she tried to follow Dr. Rhodes’ instructions. “Not really.”

“Can you identify any _feelings_ that you’ve felt today?” Dr. Rhodes. Cheryl thought through her mundane day and shook her head. “What about last Friday? When you slapped that boy at school?” Cheryl thought back to that moment.

“I mean, I guess I was mad, yeah,” Cheryl muttered.

“What did that feel like? Can you remember?”

Cheryl tried hard to return to that moment, and once again failed to recall when she even decided that she was mad enough to slap Chuck across the face. “Nothing. I mean, he was saying crude things about me, and at some point, I snapped, but… it didn’t really feel like anything.”

Dr. Rhodes hummed. “What about this weekend? With your new friends. You went out with them, had some fun. Think about that. Tell me if anything feels different in your body, or if you can recall any emotions that come up.”

Cheryl took in a deep breath and thought about drinking at the party. She thought about playing the boring Never Have I Ever game. Then Toni, walking into the room, taking Cheryl’s breath away. The weird but tasty makeshift cocktail she threw together. Sitting up on the roof together, just talking and joking. Then Sunday, texting and meeting Toni for dinner. Cheryl didn’t notice the smile on her face, but she felt her heart rate pick up a little, and a feeling of warmth in her chest. “Yeah,” she admitted. “My chest feels… warm? Like, there’s this feeling of comfort, I guess.”

“Good,” Dr. Rhodes said, sounding relieved. “Good. Okay.” Cheryl finally opened her eyes. “Look, Cheryl. The grief you’re going through… it seems to have… almost nullified a lot of your emotions. You felt all of this grief and sadness and anger in the beginning, maybe even during the winter break. It got to be too much, and your brain is reacting by… dampening it. But those feelings, they are really important.”

Cheryl bit down on the inside of her lip, not wanting to think hard about what Dr. Rhodes was saying.

“And Cheryl, really listen to me, okay? I think you’re going to get through this. I don’t think it’ll be like that forever. I think you and I can work through it. But you need to work _with_ me, okay?”

Cheryl pursed her lips. “What do you mean by that?”

“I mean maybe taking some more of my suggestions. And talking to me more about Jason,” Dr. Rhodes said. Cheryl looked down at her lap. “Do you think you can work on that for me?” A pause. “We’re almost out of time this week, but how about between now and next week, you try to come up with some things to tell me about Jason.”

“About Jason?”

“Anything. Happy stories. Sad stories. From when you were kids, from the months before the accident, even from the accident. Anything. Does that sound doable?” Dr. Rhodes asked.

Cheryl nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

“Great. Now, let me make sure I have you down in my calendar for next Thursday, and then you can be on your way…” Dr. Rhodes moved over to her desk and typed at her computer. “Alright, looks good.” Cheryl stood up from the couch, grabbing her backpack. “I’ll see you next week, okay? Have a good time with your new friends tomorrow.”

Cheryl nodded. “Thanks. See you next Thursday.”

* * *

**Cheryl – Hey, I just realized I hadn’t confirmed about the party tomorrow, but I’ll be there.**

Cheryl was laying in her bed that evening, finally texting Toni since receiving the time and address on Sunday. She really had meant to text Toni sooner, but she had been so busy and tired all week, that she had been putting it off.

**Cheryl – That is, if I’m still invited.**

**Toni – Yeah of course! Awesome!**

**Toni – Sorry, I meant to text you and follow up after I sent you the info on Sunday. Didn’t mean for there to be radio silence. Spring semester started on Monday, so.**

**Cheryl – No worries. Yeah, I’ve been having a really busy week, so don’t worry about it. Been at school literally from six in the morning until five.**

**Toni – Oh hell no. The best thing about college is making your own damn schedule and not being forced to take like seven or eight classes at a time.**

Cheryl smiled a little.

**Cheryl – Yeah, it sucks.**

**Toni – Six to five seems extra long though??**

**Cheryl – I have cheer practice in the morning.**

**Toni – Hell, you’re a fucking cheerleader? God. Even more surprises.**

Furrowing her eyebrows, Cheryl typed out her response.

**Cheryl – Really? Is that surprising?**

**Toni – Uh, yes! Cheerleaders at my school didn’t go to college parties. They went to high school parties, because everyone was obsessed with them and they were popular and didn’t want to branch out to anywhere that they might not be the hottest or coolest.**

**Cheryl – Well, that does sound about right. Just not me.**

**Toni – I guess not.**

**Toni – Sorry, didn’t mean to offend you or anything! I think that’s totally cool that you’re a cheerleader. In another life, I might’ve been one too.**

**Cheryl – Why another life?**

**Toni – Can you picture me wearing a cheer uniform?**

Cheryl bit down on her lip as the image of Toni wearing a cheer uniform instantly popped into her head. She didn’t know exactly what it would look like, but weirdly, she _could_ picture it, and the fabricated image was strangely attractive.

**Cheryl – Actually, yes.**

**Toni – Weird. Well, by another life I meant like… one where my family encouraged me to do shit like that. Honestly, even if I thought it was interesting in high school, I wouldn’t have tried out for cheerleading because I could not picture myself wearing one of those god awful uniforms.**

Cheryl pressed both of her top teeth into her lower lip, debating whether she should type out the first response that came to her head. After a few seconds of her heart beating hard in her chest, she told herself there wasn’t any harm in it.

**Cheryl – So, you don’t think cheer uniforms are hot?**

**Toni – Whoa, whoa. I never said that.**

**Cheryl – Oh sorry, guess I misunderstood “god awful” T.T**

**Toni – I mean like, it would look awful on me. On other people, definitely hot.**

Cheryl grinned, her eyes flicking over to where her cheer uniform was sitting out. There was a pep rally the following afternoon, to announce the baseball team for the upcoming season. It was the only pep rally during the winter and spring, except for the final one to honor graduating seniors.

**Toni – I mean, they don’t make you guys wear them for nothing.**

Cheryl smirked, feeling warmth in her cheeks as well.

**Cheryl – You’re not wrong.**

**Cheryl – We have a pep rally tomorrow, so I have to wear my uniform all day at school tomorrow.**

**Toni – Poor you! You have to stare at all your teammates wearing short skirts and tank tops!**

Cheryl snickered at that, rolling her eyes as she quickly typed a response.

**Cheryl – First of all, gross, I never think of any of my cheer squad like that. Second of all, we have a winter version of the uniform. Long sleeves and tights underneath the skirt.**

**Toni – Disappointing!**

**Cheryl – Don’t be such a perv.**

**Toni – Lmfao. Well, sorry to drop off here, but I really need to sleep, someone scheduled a tattoo for the crack ass of dawn tomorrow morning because they hate me, I guess.**

**Cheryl – No worries. Night, Toni, see you tomorrow night.**

**Toni – Yes! Goodnight!**

Cheryl let out a breath as she went to plug her phone in before curling up in her bed. This week had been long, but she was glad it was coming to an end the following night, and that she would get to see Toni again. And even Toni’s friends, she was going to be happy to see. She was still pretty shocked that her therapist’s advice about talking to people outside of her school actually seemed to help, but she wasn’t sure if that would have been the case for any group of people. There was just something about Toni—how kind and funny she was. She didn’t ask invasive questions but offered support and easily brought out smiles. She was easy to talk to, and Cheryl continued to be surprised at the feelings in her chest that bubbled up when she talked to the girl, even if only over text.

Sighing happily, Cheryl wrapped her blankets around herself, begging sleep to pull her under without too much fuss, even though her excitement for the party the following day would almost definitely keep her up for a little bit longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tag yourself: I'm Toni trying to get Cheryl to say something/act gay during their texts. XD  
> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! This story is definitely going to have ups and downs, but personally I enjoyed writing all of it and I hope that you will enjoy reading all of it!  
> Here's a fun game: If you leave a comment, can you guess how many tattoos Toni has?  
> Haha anyway, thank you all for being here and reading this update! I hope that you are just as excited for the rest of this story as I am to continue posting it! I was supposed to be out of town for the next week but due to unexpected changes, I'm home basically indefinitely (at least until spring break), so you can probably anticipate pretty quick updates.
> 
> Again, I so appreciate you reading, kudosing, and commenting! I hope you all have a lovely Thursday! <3


	3. this color looks good on you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheryl has a rough time at the pep rally on Friday, attends the party at Archie's on Saturday, and finds herself wanting to hang out with Toni even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good evening friends! I wanted to bring in the weekend with a new chapter, especially because I don't plan to update tomorrow (Saturday).  
> I have been so so appreciative of y'all's amazing comments, tweets, and DMs! I am so glad that everyone is enjoying this story! <3 Future updates will probably not be exactly daily, but I'm glad that I was able to get these first 3 out so quickly <3
> 
> For this chapter, TW: Panic attacks, dissociation, flashbacks, references to car accident
> 
> Enjoy, y'all! I think you'll like this one! xx

“It’s almost the freaking _weekend_ , Cher!” Josie exclaimed on Friday afternoon, as they met up in the locker room shortly before the pep rally, having gotten out of class for the day early to get ready. “I was thinking, maybe we can go see a movie tomorrow? There’s a lot of new ones showing from Christmas time. I thought it would be a fun distraction.”

“Tomorrow?” Cheryl asked, blinking as she shoved her backpack into her cheer locker. “Yeah, I should probably be free.”

Josie chuckled. “Cool. What about tonight, did you want to eat ice cream and help me swipe on Tinder? Or help with the cheer choreo?”

“Actually, I can’t go out tonight,” Cheryl lied, “sorry. But tomorrow, for sure we’ll hang out.”

“Oh, why not tonight?” Josie wondered.

“My parents are still pissed about last Friday,” Cheryl lied. “So they moved my curfew up through tonight. Tomorrow though, curfew back to eleven.”

“Oh okay, damn. No offense, but I hate your parents.”

Cheryl actually laughed at that. “None taken, so do I.”

The cheer squad met up in the gym and ran through some stretches while the band all got setup. When the bell rang to dismiss everyone to come to the gym for the pep rally, the cheerleaders all lined the sides of the gym, pom poms in hand, as students started to file in, and the band started playing.

Most of the pep rally passed pretty quickly for Cheryl. The baseball coach introduced the baseball team, and a few other sports related announcements were made. The band played some fun songs, and the cheerleaders did some of their usual routines. Then, when the students in the bleachers were finally being dismissed, Cheryl caught a glimpse of one of the sophomore football players, who had reddish colored hair, wearing a varsity football jacket, and her heart clenched.

“Jason,” she whispered, unintelligibly.

“What’s up?” Josie asked her from a few feet away, but Cheryl didn’t notice. She was frozen, her heart pounding, as she flashed back to the day before Halloween. Her face was paled, and her breathing was quickening. “Cher… Cheryl, can you hear me?”

Cheryl blinked, partially coming to for long enough to realize that the cheerleaders were all looking at her funny, but it didn’t seem like anyone else had really noticed her, since they were busy leaving the gym. “I—I…” Cheryl turned abruptly and rushed for the other exit of the gym, toward the locker rooms.

She busted into the girl’s locker room, her breathing fast again, and pressed her forehead into her locker.

She pictured the car—the blue first generation Ford Mustang. She pictured climbing in with Jason that Friday night, after the football game. The rain that came out of nowhere. The windshield wipers not being fast enough. The car tires slipping. The ditch.

“No, fuck, no,” Cheryl whispered, pressing her hands to her ears as she swore that she could hear herself screaming as the car slid through the mud and the left side collided with the trees.

“Cheryl,” Josie was saying, as Cheryl suddenly felt arms wrapping around her. “Cher, I’ve got you, I’ve got you.”

Cheryl didn’t realize that tears were streaking her face until Josie pulled her away from the locker and tightly squeezed her arms around her. Cheryl relaxed into her best friend, letting out a sob.

“I got you, girl,” Josie whispered.

Cheryl’s breathing finally slowed down, and she blinked a few times. She separated herself from Josie, wiping at her face. “Sorry,” she whispered.

“Girl. Don’t apologize. And don’t worry, I locked the door before any of the other girls could come in,” Josie said sweetly. “That hasn’t happened in a couple months, huh?” Cheryl shook her head. “Is that… a good thing or a bad thing?”

“I don’t know,” Cheryl whispered. “Um. I think I just need to go home.”

“Wait, Cher,” Josie said, “do you want… do you want to talk about it? Or do you want to call Dr. Rhodes? Or I can call her, or have your mom call her?”

“No,” Cheryl insisted, “no, it’s fine. It was just… a brief panic, it’s fine. I’m okay.”

Josie nodded slowly. “Okay. If you say so. I guess because of the pep rally?” Cheryl shrugged. “And because of the football game in October—”

“Josie,” Cheryl interrupted, feeling her heart rate start to escalate again, “can we… can we just drop it for now?” Josie nodded.

“Sorry, sorry. When you’re ready to talk about it, though… you know I’m here.”

“I know,” Cheryl whispered, “I know.” She took in a deep breath, straightening up. “Okay. You can, um, let the other girls in. I’m just going to grab my stuff and head home, okay?”

“Yeah, of course. I love you, girl. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, see you tomorrow.”

* * *

Cheryl slept for about three hours after she finally got home, not waking up until a little after six. She checked her phone lazily when she finally woke up, realizing the time and that she was supposed to be at Archie’s apartment at seven.

Her long nap seemed to help her recover from her first panic attack in months, which was a relief, because she didn’t want it to cause her to miss the party tonight. She dragged herself out of bed and finally changed out of her cheer uniform and into something a little less fashionable than she would usually choose for a party. She put on some leggings and a red knit sweater that had front pockets, making it almost like a hoodie, but cuter. She also tugged on her favorite red sneakers, which were more for aesthetic than practical use, and fixed her smudged makeup.

She called a Lyft to pick her up ten minutes before seven, and quickly texted Toni to inquire about food at the party.

**Cheryl – Hey, so, is there food at this party, or should I have eaten already?**

**Toni – Funny you should ask that right now. Veronica is actively ordering pizza. Any requests?**

**Cheryl – I’m not picky.**

**Toni – Cool. So yeah, don’t worry about food—although seems like you were already not worrying about it, considering that it’s twenty minutes to seven.**

**Cheryl – Actually that was just my bad, I just woke up at six lmao.**

**Toni – Wait what! Your school must do pep rallies way different than my school did.**

Cheryl smiled sadly at her phone.

**Cheryl – I had the most draining week ever. I’m so fucking ready to just relax.**

**Toni – Relaxing is me and my friends’ specialties! Don’t worry, food and drinks are all taken care of ;)**

**Cheryl – Thank goodness.**

**Cheryl – My Lyft will be here in a minute. See you soon.**

Cheryl arrived at the apartment building a few minutes after seven and navigated through it to the apartment number Toni had given her. When she got there, she heard multiple voices talking inside, as well as some music playing. She suddenly felt nerves in her chest—something she wasn’t particularly used to lately. Biting the inside of her lip, she knocked on the door boldly.

It swung open a second later, revealing a sporty looking guy with dark red hair—for a second, Cheryl felt her throat tighten, before the guy smiled and it was obvious that he looked nothing like Jason. And she recognized him—he was in the Never Have I Ever game last Saturday. “Cheryl, right? I’m Archie. Come on in.”

“Nice to meet you,” Cheryl managed to get out. “Well, officially, I guess.”

“Hey, Cheryl!” Veronica called, and Cheryl looked around the room and the pretty full living room. She actually recognized everyone from the party the previous weekend, but she didn’t have names for every face. Veronica was sitting next to Toni, who was smiling at her. “Come on in, grab a drink!”

“Oh yeah, yeah,” Archie said with a nod, “there’s drinks in the kitchen.”

Cheryl nodded and smiled a little, before heading for the kitchen to grab a drink. After pouring herself a beer, she ventured back into the living room and glanced around for somewhere to sit in the full room. Thankfully, Toni seemed to read her mind and scooted over on the couch, squishing Veronica. The dark haired girl didn’t look bothered, though, and Cheryl took a seat next to Toni.

“Hey,” Toni greeted with a smile.

“Hey,” Cheryl returned, taking a sip of her beer.

Toni chuckled. “Still waking up?”

“I guess so,” Cheryl said, embarrassed a little. “Also…” She glanced around. “I recognize everyone from last week, but I never got everyone’s names.”

“Oh shit,” Veronica said, apparently having overheard Cheryl’s words, “I can’t believe I invited you to play games with us last week and I forgot to literally introduce you to everyone. Well, obviously you know me and Toni, and Archie now. That’s Sweet Pea and Fangs—Toni’s rowdy ass high school friends.” Cheryl nodded, already having met them both. Veronica nodded to a girl in a blonde ponytail, who smiled and waved sweetly. “That’s Betty, she and Archie went to high school together.” Next to Betty sat two other girls. “Peaches and Storm. And then the last people we’re missing are Munroe, Archie’s friend from football, and Reggie, he’s always late.”

“They’re the ones in the frat,” Toni told Cheryl with a serious nod, and Cheryl remembered Toni saying that she could go through the cabinets at the frat house because she had a friend who lived there.

“Cool,” Cheryl said with a nod.

“So, Cheryl,” Fangs spoke up, “you don’t go to school here, right? Do you go to ECC or something?” Eastwood Community College, or ECC, was the nearby community college. Toni looked at Cheryl curiously, and she felt her cheeks warm as she realized that she’d only admitted to Toni that she was in high school.

“Uh, no,” she admitted. “I’m actually a senior in high school.”

“Shit, what?” Sweet Pea exclaimed. “Girl, you do not look like a high schooler.”

“Sweet Pea,” Toni snapped, “that sounds weird as fuck, don’t say that shit.”

“Okay, for the record, did not realize that last weekend,” Veronica said.

Cheryl sighed. “Calm down, I’m eighteen.”

Veronica visibly relaxed. “Thank god.”

“Dude,” one of the girls—Peaches—said, “you are way cooler than I was at eighteen, geez. I wish I’d been going to college parties already.”

“I totally tried to get you to come to college parties with me,” Storm said, elbowing the other girl.

“You never went to college parties!” Peaches exclaimed.

“Yeah, because you didn’t want to go!”

Toni chuckled, leaning a little closer to Cheryl. “They’re dating,” she said, which made perfect sense. The two girls were sitting very close together, and they did sound like a couple. “And like, I mean seriously. Like four years.”

“Wow,” Cheryl said, looking at the two girls and wondering where they went to high school. Cheryl had never heard of any girls dating each other in the history of her own high school.

There was a knock on the door, and Archie hopped up to grab it. Two guys came in, multiple boxes of pizza in their hands. “We ran into the pizza guys on our way up!” one of them exclaimed.

“Nice to know they would’ve given our pizza to any random college guys willing to pay for it,” Veronica muttered.

“Hey, don’t be like that, Ronnie,” the other guy insisted, “we gave him your name as evidence that it was for us.”

Veronica rolled her eyes. “Whatever, are you two going to disperse that pizza or what?”

Toni leaned closer to Cheryl again—a lot closer—and whispered, “Can you tell that Veronica has drama with Reggie?”

Cheryl looked at Toni curiously. “Which one is Reggie?” she asked softly. Toni pointed at the second guy, who had called Veronica “Ronnie.” She glanced at Veronica, who was suddenly busying herself on her phone. She looked back at Toni and nodded.

“She’ll loosen up,” Toni assured Cheryl. “In the meantime…” She sat up straighter and said, loud enough for everyone to hear now, “Someone hand me the box of Hawaiian.”

* * *

“Dude, there’s no way you can outdrink me,” Munroe said to Archie, who gave him a wide grin.

“You underestimate me, my friend,” the redhead said back.

Storm rolled her eyes at the two boys. “I’ll get the tequila.” Betty was also shaking her head at the friends, and she looked at Cheryl, who happened to be sitting next to her. Toni had gone to take a phone call a few minutes prior, and in that time, people had shifted around a little in the living room.

“This happens all the time,” Betty told Cheryl. “Boys are so immature.” Cheryl nodded in agreement. “So, where do you go to high school?”

“It’s like, twenty minutes west of here,” Cheryl answered, not wanting to reveal exactly where she went to school if she could help it. She didn’t need any of these people linking her high school name to the articles in the news about the tragic post-football game accident.

“Ah okay,” Betty said with a nod. “Most of us went to Southridge, like five minutes from campus.”

“That’s cool.”

“So you don’t like high school parties?” Betty wondered.

Cheryl shrugged. “The only people at my high school who throw parties are the football players, and let’s just say we don’t always get along.”

“I get that,” Betty agreed with a nod. “I was a cheerleader in high school, but Archie was the only football player I could ever stand. Like, everyone else was an asshole. Like, the kind of guy you look at and just want to punch in the face, you know?”

Cheryl actually smirked at that. “Did you ever?” She figured the answer was no, because Betty looked too much like a nice girl to ever hit anyone.

“What? Punch a guy in the face?” Betty asked. Cheryl nodded. “No way, as much as I wanted to sometimes.” Cheryl laughed a little. “Why, have you?”

“I slapped one last week,” Cheryl admitted.

“Oh my god, seriously?” Betty exclaimed.

“Seriously what?” Toni asked suddenly, appearing to Cheryl’s left and surprising her slightly.

“Apparently Cheryl slapped a football player in the face _last week_.” Cheryl bit down on the inside of her lip as she looked up at Toni from where she was sitting on the couch. Toni was looked at her with a look that Cheryl interpreted as impressed. “Sounds like you and Toni would’ve been friends in high school.”

Toni smirked. “No, probably not. Cheryl’s a cheerleader.”

Betty’s jaw dropped. “You’re a cheerleader _and_ you slapped a football player in the face? At my school, I probably would’ve been suspended for pulling something like that.”

“Four days of detention,” Cheryl said with a shrug, amused at how impressed Betty seemed.

“Guys!” Veronica exclaimed, drawing everyone’s gazes and ending the various conversations around the room. “You’re welcome, I brought Jell-O shots.”

“Is that like, her thing?” Cheryl asked Toni, glancing up at the pink haired girl again.

“Absolutely,” Toni confirmed, chuckling. “You want one?” Cheryl nodded, and Toni went over to the cooler to grab two of the little plastic, lidded cups. She tossed one at Cheryl, who jumped in surprise and barely managed to catch it.

“Bringing in the weekend right!” Reggie exclaimed, as everyone began taking back their shots.

* * *

An hour later, the group had divided into two—the group that was still going hard drinking, which had been banished to standing in the kitchen, and the group that was just vibing in the living room. Toni and Cheryl were among that group.

Veronica was telling that group a story, and Cheryl was zoning out, finding her gaze being pulled to Toni next to her even after she forced it away. At first, Toni acted like she didn’t notice, but after a while, she finally started to ignore Veronica’s story and fully faced Cheryl. “What?” Toni asked playfully.

“Sorry,” Cheryl apologized half-heartedly, “I just can’t focus.”

“Want to go for a walk?” Toni suggested. Cheryl nodded, her heart rate picking up at the prospect of being alone with Toni again.

They pulled themselves up to their feet and Toni said, “We’re going to get some fresh air.” Veronica looked at Toni with a raised eyebrow, but the group nodded and didn’t question them or anything.

They left the apartment and then the building in silence, and once they were out in the chilly night air, Toni said, “So, you really slapped a guy and got detention?”

Cheryl laughed at that being Toni’s first thing she wanted to say once they were alone. “Yep. That’s the rest of the eleven hours I spent at school Monday through Wednesday this week.”

“Shit, that’s right,” Toni said with a shake of her head. “So, what’d he do? The football player.”

Cheryl sighed. “He said I should be excited to go to his party since I could probably get laid and get the stick out of my ass.”

“Shit,” Toni said, furrowing her eyebrows.

“Yeah, and after I smacked him, he told me that he bets I’m wild in bed,” Cheryl said, crossing her arms over her chest. “I probably would’ve clawed his face with my nails if my friend hadn’t held me back. It was a rough day.”

“That is so badass,” Toni told her, “that you stood up for yourself like that. Better than the reasons I used to get into fights in high school. Like, one time a guy basically just looked at me funny and I shoved him.”

Cheryl chuckled. “Well, fighting with people is not something I do very often. Just an off day for me.”

“That’s probably for the best,” Toni teased. “So, you having fun tonight? I know some of those guys up there are pretty crazy.”

“Yeah, no, everyone is nice and fun,” Cheryl insisted with a nod. She wasn’t even lying—even when she’d been talking to Betty or anyone else, she felt more relaxed tonight than she had around any of her own peers lately. “I needed this, really.”

“Also, I totally didn’t realize that you hadn’t told Veronica or anyone that you were in high school,” Toni said apologetically, as if she had done anything wrong, which she hadn’t.

“It’s fine, I’m not hiding it,” Cheryl said. “I’m an adult, so it’s not like it matters.”

“Yeah,” Toni agreed. They were reaching the end of the block, and Toni said, “You wanna see campus?”

“Campus really late on a Friday night?”

“Best time to see campus is when no one is on it, seriously,” Toni insisted. She stopped at the corner and nodded in the direction of campus. She offered a hand to Cheryl, which made the younger girl’s heart flip. “Come on.”

Cheryl hesitantly took Toni’s hand, and felt her heart pick up its pace. Toni’s hands were soft and surprisingly warm, considering how chilly it was outside. Their hands now intertwined, Toni gently pulled Cheryl toward the entrance to campus.

They walked around the nearly empty college campus for a while, Toni pointing out the different buildings. Despite there being so many big buildings, there was a lot of greenery in all of the outdoor areas, and it was weirdly peaceful.

At some point, Cheryl realized that despite her sweater, she was shivering. Toni must have also noticed, because she pulled Cheryl a little closer, shoving their still connected hands into Toni’s jacket pocket. Cheryl bit down on her lower lip as she realized how close together that the two of them were.

“Should we head back?” Toni asked softly.

“Yeah, probably.” Cheryl’s voice came out at barely a whisper, and she probably sounded a little disappointed, because Toni laughed a little.

“You don’t sound so excited about that. But you’re seriously shivering.” Cheryl shrugged. “Maybe one of these buildings is still open.”

They ventured around campus for a few more minutes, testing doors until one of them opened, and Toni pulled Cheryl into the warm indoors. “This is the student union,” Toni explained. “So I guess it’s open later.”

The student union was empty except for a guys playing ping pong at the far end of the building, and a couple other people who had homework and textbooks sprawled across whole tables. “Didn’t you say the semester just started? How are people already swamped enough to be doing that on a Friday night?”

Toni shrugged. “I feel like they’re probably engineering majors or something. Come on, there are some places we can sit upstairs.”

Cheryl didn’t ask why they couldn’t just sit at one of the many open tables here, and instead just followed Toni up some stairs. She let them to a long hallway, which was lined with empty chairs and benches. At the end of the hallway was a little nook partially out of view, with a table, chairs, and a small couch.

“Veronica is a double major,” Toni said, “so she’s gotten to know all the best little study spots on campus. And I’ve had to come practically wake her up some mornings after she’s pulled all-nighters on campus.”

“Damn,” Cheryl murmured, as Toni guided them to the couch. From the seat, they were completely out of view from the hallway. “This is sort of a peaceful hideaway.”

“Mmhmm. We can warm up here a little bit before we start the trek back,” Toni suggested, to which Cheryl nodded in agreement. They sat in silence for a moment, and then Toni let out a breath. “So, I have sort of a stupid question.”

Cheryl lifted a curious eyebrow. “Okay.”

“So… you are like… interested in girls, right? Sorry, I know it’s a stupid question, just I haven’t been sure if I’m reading you right,” Toni said, laughing a little nervously.

Cheryl pulled their hands out of Toni’s pocket, glancing down at their interlaced fingers. “You weren’t sure if you were reading this right?”

Toni blushed. “Okay, I said it was a stupid question.”

Cheryl smiled. Her heart was pounding in her chest. “Actually, I never really thought about it much. I haven’t ever been with anyone, like, romantically or… you know. I mean, I kissed a boy at homecoming freshman year, but.” She shrugged. “And it’s been quite a few months since I’ve even really thought about being _with_ someone. I think I’ve always just been sort of confused. You know. Everyone telling you that you should be one way, but just not feeling it.”

Toni nodded. “Yeah, I get that.” She looked like she wanted to ask something else, and Cheryl looked to her patiently, but no words ever came out.

Instead, Toni slowly closed the distance between them, bringing their lips to touch softly. Cheryl felt her whole body tense for a moment, and then absolutely melt into the older girl. Toni’s free hand came up to caress Cheryl’s cheek, her thumb rubbing over it gently, and then pulling Cheryl even closer.

The kiss lasted many long seconds, and it was slow and gentle and soft. Toni was the one who eventually pulled back, breaking the contact between their lips, but leaving her hand on Cheryl’s face. “So… that was okay?”

Cheryl bit down on her lower lip and nodded, before pressing her lips back into Toni’s. Cheryl’s whole body felt alight all of the sudden, and she wanted to be closer to Toni. Toni kissed her back harder, and Cheryl broke their handhold to bring both of her hands to Toni’s waist. The positioning was a little awkward, since they were seated next to each other, but neither of them really noticed as Toni’s lips moved purposefully against Cheryl’s, their noses bumping anytime they parted for a quick breath.

Toni smelled like lavender and tasted like tequila, and her lips were even softer than her hands. Her soft and intentional hands rose to tangle into Cheryl’s long, wavy red locks, and Cheryl felt her whole body sigh in a strange relief as she lost herself in the other girl, in this long, unending moment.

It did end, though, unfortunately, when Toni’s phone started ringing. “Shit,” Toni breathed out, pulling her lips away from Cheryl’s. She started grabbing at her pockets for her phone, and Cheryl leaned back a little, catching her breath and then biting on her slightly swollen lower lip.

Toni answered the call. “Hey. Sorry, yeah. No, we’re fine, we’re headed back. Oh. Okay. Well, then I’ll just walk home then after I make sure Cheryl gets in her ride. Okay. See you at home.” She hung up the call and released a breath. “Everyone’s headed home.”

“Okay,” Cheryl said with a nod, “I’ll call my Lyft.”

“Yeah, go ahead and call it to here and I’ll wait with you until it gets here, and I’ll head home after. I’m like, a five minute walk from here.”

Cheryl nodded, grabbing her phone and going to the Lyft app to order one. When she was done, she set the phone in her lap and looked up at Toni, who had busied herself on her own phone. “Toni,” Cheryl heard herself whisper, drawing the pink haired girl’s gaze.

“Mmhmm?” Toni hummed.

Cheryl swallowed thickly, feeling her heart pounding inside her chest. “Could I… see you tomorrow, maybe?”

Toni bit down on her lip, and Cheryl felt her stomach flip. “I work like, all day tomorrow. But I should be off by like, eight? If you want to do something that late.” Cheryl nodded.

“Yeah, eight is good,” Cheryl agreed.

Toni smiled. “Cool.”

Cheryl wasn’t sure she’d ever felt as shy in her entire life as she did right now. She returned Toni’s smile and resisted the urge to pull her gaze away from the girl. All night, she couldn’t keep her eyes off of her, and now she felt almost too shy to do so. “Cool.”

They sat in a strangely comfortable silence until Cheryl’s Lyft arrived a few minutes later, and then they left their little corner hideaway and the student union building, finding the car waiting out on one of the main streets that crossed through campus. “Get home safe. I’ll see you tomorrow night,” Toni said with a smile.

“You too,” Cheryl agreed, smiling as well as she ducked into the back of the Lyft.

She was pretty sure she had a smile plastered on her face for her whole ride home.

* * *

“I can’t believe how shitty the main character was in that movie,” Josie exclaimed, as she and Cheryl walked out of the movie theater Saturday afternoon. “Like, he wasn’t likeable at all, right?”

“Yeah, he was pretty boring,” Cheryl agreed.

“Oh come on, you’re like the queen of shitting on terrible movies, Cher. Give me more than that.”

Cheryl shrugged. “I agree with you, his character was bad. Boring, and he also made all the worst decisions, and not even with the best intentions.”

“Exactly! Worst decisions, not any better intentions,” Josie agreed. “Okay, you wanna go back to my place and help me with choreo, or would you rather go to Starbucks or something?”

“Coffee sounds nice,” Cheryl said, bobbing her head.

When they were sitting inside Starbucks a few minutes later, Josie had her Tinder open on her phone. “Okay, I need your advice. I swiped right on this guy last night, but he still hasn’t messaged me. Hot enough for me to message first?” Josie inquired, holding out her phone for Cheryl to see. The guy in question looked fairly average, from Cheryl’s perspective, and his bio was typical corny Tinder nonsense.

“Eh. No,” Cheryl answered. “You deserve to be messaged first—if that’s what you want.”

“Isn’t that the dream? Guys who message first?”

Cheryl shrugged. “Isn’t defining shit like that all part of the stupid texting game? Don’t double text, wait a few hours before responding if the other person took a few hours to respond… all that nonsense?”

“Eh, I guess. Does this make me not a feminist?” Josie wondered, concerned. After a moment, she shrugged it off. “You should make a Tinder, Cher. It’s hours of entertainment, and you know you could have guys swiping right on you all day long.”

“Not interested in guys swiping right on me all day long.”

Josie hummed thoughtfully. “Okay, fine. It was just a suggestion anyway.” They sat in silence for a few minutes, both distracting themselves on their phones, before Josie purposefully set hers down, drawing a confused look from Cheryl. “Okay girl, real talk for a minute. How are you feeling today?”

“Um. Tired?”

“Okay. Valid.” Josie nodded. Cheryl blinked, not understanding what had just happened. “I’ve just decided that I’m going to check in with you more.”

Cheryl sighed. “I’m fine, Jos.”

“The thing is, Cher, you’re not,” Josie argued. “And after yesterday, that’s clear to me. And that’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it yet, I understand. But I’m going to check in with you, and you can’t stop me. You’re my best friend. So you really can’t stop me.”

Cheryl felt a slight warmth in her chest at the supportive look Josie was giving her, and for the first time in a while, she gave Josie a genuine smile. “Fine.”

“Great! Now that that’s been established, I was thinking that we should have a spa night. I have a ton of facemasks at home, so we could do facials and maybe give each other manicures. Or, if you’d rather, we can actually _go_ get manicures now, and then go back and do the facials.”

Cheryl was actually interested in Josie’s proposal, but she had plans to meet up with Toni that evening—and she was more interested in those plans.

“I have to be home by eight tonight,” Cheryl said, “I told my parents I would call my Nana.”

“Aw, okay.”

Frowning, Cheryl said, “But it’s still pretty early. We can just do a mani-pedi? With all the extras.” That got a grin from Josie.

“Girl, yes!”

So the next couple of hours found the two girls at their local nail salon, getting their feet and hands massaged, oiled, and their nails painted. It was actually rather rejuvenating, and Cheryl felt more laid back with her best friend than she had in a while. Josie kept the conversations light and in motion, which somehow made it easier for Cheryl to stay engaged.

When they finally left the salon, their gel nail polish all neat and dried, it was a little after six. To finish their hang out, they stopped by a little Italian café for a quick dinner, and then went their separate ways for the evening. Cheryl drove her car home, but while she was still parked in the driveway, she texted Toni.

**Cheryl – So, you’re off work in a few minutes, right? Are you still free to hang out?**

It only took Toni a few seconds before she was typing a response.

**Toni – Yeah! Did you want to get food or something?**

**Cheryl – Actually already had dinner. But if you need to have food then yeah, we can go out somewhere.**

**Toni – Yeah, I haven’t had any dinner. Would it be okay if we met at that café by my apartment building again? Or is that too far?**

**Cheryl – Yeah, that’s fine! Should I leave now?**

**Toni – Yeah, I’m leaving the tattoo shop right now, so I’ll be there in a few minutes!**

**Cheryl – Sounds good. See you soon!**

Cheryl felt her heart beating fast the whole time she was driving to the café, and when she finally got out of the car and started to walk into the café, she couldn’t stop picturing her kiss with Toni from the night before.

She found Toni sitting in the same corner booth as before, eating the same meal as last time. As Cheryl approached, she said, “Creature of habit, are we?” Toni looked up with wide eyes, and then her lips spread into a smile.

“Sometimes. Some habits are kind of calming, you know?”

“Mmhmm.”

Cheryl slid into the other side of the booth, absently tapping her nails onto the surface of the table. Toni looked down at her fingers and lifted an eyebrow. “Pretty nails.”

Cheryl looked down at her manicured red nails. “Oh, thanks. My friend and I got a mani-pedi today.”

“Fancy,” Toni said, amused.

“I needed it, to be honest,” Cheryl admitted. “I’ve been shit at taking care of my nails.”

“Same,” Toni agreed, holding out her hand. “Well, I just keep them short. You know. For practicality.” Cheryl realized what Toni meant in a matter of seconds, and she blushed a little.

“Right,” Cheryl murmured, leaning back a little. Trying to distract Toni from her reddened face, she reached out and stole a fry from Toni’s plate.

“Hey! You said you already had dinner,” Toni complained, glaring playfully at Cheryl as she ate the fry.

“How was work?” Cheryl wondered.

“It was good,” Toni answered, getting over the fry thievery pretty quickly. “Lots of walk-ins on Saturdays, but I also had this guy scheduled for this cool like, bat slash vampire design. Oh, I have a pic, you wanna see?” Cheryl nodded, and Toni grabbed her phone out of her pocket and pulled up a picture.

The tattoo was very intricate. There was half of a bat wing, clouded in what looked like smoke or mist, and where the other half should be was a vampiric design. “Wow,” Cheryl said, impressed. “That’s really good.”

“Yeah, I am pretty talented,” Toni joked. “Have I convinced you yet?”

Cheryl smirked. “I thought you weren’t trying to convince me?”

“I’m not _trying_ to. But maybe I will anyway.”

“Good luck with that. You’d probably convince me to dye my hair before you could convince me to get a tattoo.”

Toni grinned. “Let me guess—fat chance of that too?”

“Definitely,” Cheryl answered, smiling a little and reaching for another fry.

Toni shook her head. “Did you really come here just to steal my food?” Cheryl bit back a grin before tossing the fry into her mouth. “So what’d you do today? Besides your fancy nails and shit.”

“My friend and I went and saw a shitty movie,” Cheryl answered.

“Oh, that sucks.”

“Oh no, we did it on purpose,” Cheryl said, “it’s a thing. It’s fun to complain about them.”

Toni rolled her eyes, but she still looked amused. “Waste money on a bad movie? I could never.”

“Mm,” Cheryl hummed. She didn’t want to presume too much that she didn’t know about Toni, but she got the impression that Toni didn’t grow up with near as much money as Cheryl was accustomed to. “My parents own this big family business. They aren’t really lacking in money.”

“I see. Big shot parents. I bet there’s a shit ton of expectations with that.”

Cheryl sighed, feeling a lump in her throat. She swallowed it as best as she could. “Yeah, I guess.”

Toni frowned, and said nothing. After a moment, she grabbed a fry and offered it to Cheryl. “Sorry,” she said, as Cheryl took it, “sore subject, got it. My parents never had any expectations for me. It’s just weird to imagine the exact opposite.”

“Sometimes I wish my parents would just like… I don’t know,” Cheryl breathed out.

“Disappear?” Toni asked. “That’s how most people feel in high school, I think.”

Cheryl shrugged. Her thoughts wandered to her parents, and how much better her life would be if they just disappeared. Suddenly, she was in a hospital room, her mother sobbing uncontrollably. Demanding Cheryl to explain how she could let this happen.

“Cheryl?” Toni said, concern evident in her voice, drawing Cheryl out of her thoughts. Cheryl realized that there were tears in her eyes, but, thankfully, none of them had escaped. Her hands were balled up into fists.

“Sorry,” Cheryl apologized quickly, her voice quiet as she sniffed and blinked back her tears.

“Hey, no worries,” Toni insisted. “Let’s try a new topic of conversation?” Cheryl bit on the inside of her cheek as she nodded. She felt a little embarrassed that Toni had caught her dissociating, and almost having a whole panic attack, but Toni didn’t seem particularly fazed. Maybe she hadn’t realized what had almost happened. “So, did you want to hear about the Veronica and Reggie drama?”

Cheryl nodded, ready for the distraction.

“So, Reggie and Munroe are frat boys, right? And Veronica like, has always adamantly hated frat boys on principle. It’s a long story. But Veronica is also the kind of person who does not deny herself, and she met Reggie after a football game at a stupid frat party, and they did the deed. A lot, actually, judging by the fact that they disappeared about two hours before I left the party, and when I got home, he was still there. Anyway, for her it was like a one time thing, she hates frat boys, but he was hot, or whatever.”

“Okay, makes sense, I think,” Cheryl said, nodding.

“Right. So, this was last semester. For context, I guess, Ronnie and I are juniors, and Reggie is a freshman, so last semester was his first semester. Archie is also a junior, but since he’s on the team, he knows Reggie that way. No one knew that he and Ronnie slept together, and then all the sudden, Archie starts inviting him to our friend hangouts because he hit it off with him and Munroe. Veronica spent weeks trying to keep it under the wraps that they two of them slept together, and Reggie kept hitting on her, and she was just not having it. Before the break, she ended up blowing up at him at a party, and everyone found out that they’d hooked up and Veronica was so upset about it. But then, _get this_ …”

Toni trailed off dramatically, and Cheryl lifted an eyebrow. “What? They slept together again?”

“They fucking slept together again!” Toni exclaimed. “That same night. And now I’m pretty sure they’re still sleeping together, but she won’t admit it to me, and they haven’t told anyone. But when they first see each other at any friend gathering, it’s always super awkward at first before they finally start acting like respectful human beings.” Toni rolled her eyes. “It’s crazy. Don’t tell her I told you.”

Cheryl smiled. “Yeah, don’t worry.”

“Honestly, I think she should just go for it. She clearly likes him—otherwise why would she care so much, you know?” Toni shrugged.

“She doesn’t fit into the category she pictured, I guess,” Cheryl suggested. “You said she hates frat boys, on principle.”

“Yeah, true. Well, I think she’ll figure it out eventually. But the fact that she hasn’t even admitted to me that she’s seeing him at all is weird. We tell each other everything—well… mostly. I mean, we especially used to. I think all this stuff with Reggie has made her a bit more secretive, and maybe I have a habit of keeping things from her when she’s doing the same to me.”

“Best friend dynamics are weird,” Cheryl agreed.

Toni nodded. She finished up her food, and then pushed her plate away, stretching her arms above her head. As she rested them back on the table, she looked back down at Cheryl’s hands. Suddenly, she reached out both hands and grabbed Cheryl’s left hand, looking at her nails. “This color looks good on you.”

Cheryl was practically holding her breath as Toni’s fingers carefully held her hand. “Thanks.” She swallowed thickly. “Red is sort of my thing.”

“Mm.” Toni ran a thumb over the tips of Cheryl’s fingers, and then she looked back up at the redhead. “So, any chance you would like… want to get a like actual dinner next weekend?”

“A like actual dinner?” Cheryl repeated.

Toni laughed a little, and Cheryl noticed her cheeks going slightly pink. “You know, like. I could pick you up and we could go somewhere and get food.”

“So ‘a like actual dinner’ is actually code for ‘a date?’” Cheryl asked, biting down on her lower lip to suppress her grin. Toni laughed again, releasing Cheryl’s hands as she leaned back against the booth.

“Yeah, a date, I guess,” Toni confirmed.

Cheryl smiled. “Yeah, that sounds nice.”

“Cool. Oh, but actually, before you agree, you should probably know that me picking you up entails a motorcycle,” Toni admitted, batting her eyelashes a little at Cheryl, whose jaw dropped.

“You drive a motorcycle?”

Toni just grinned.

“Well… yes to the date, but maybe to the motorcycle,” Cheryl said.

Chuckling, the pink haired girl nodded. “Okay, that’s fair. Let me know. If not, you can either drive or I’ll pay for your Lyft or something.” Cheryl smiled softly. “Sorry this was like, the absolute dumbest way someone’s asked you on a date.”

“No one has ever asked me on a date,” Cheryl stated.

Toni’s jaw dropped. “What about that kid that you went to homecoming with freshman year?”

“Yeah, that was more like… I felt pressured to get a date, so I found a guy and demanded that he escort me,” Cheryl admitted, laughing at herself. “All of the guys at my school either hate me, are scared of me, or both.”

“That’s fucked up. What’s to hate?”

“I like how you didn’t ask what’s there to be scared of,” Cheryl said, rolling her eyes.

“I mean, it’s pretty hard to scare me,” Toni admitted with a chuckle.

Cheryl really hoped that was true, because she was starting to really like Toni, and the last thing she wanted was to scare her away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay can we just talk about how Toni is an adorable bean who turns into mush around Cheryl? I loved writing Toni asking if Cheryl's gay and also asking Cheryl on a date, like. What. Could she be more nervous and adorable?  
> I hope you guys enjoyed this one! Next chapter will probably be up Sunday or Monday! <3
> 
> Thank you all for your guesses as to the number of tattoos Toni has! All shall be revealed eventually ;D But we got some good guesses hehe. Here's a hint: <= 10 tattoos. :P
> 
> I appreciate you all so much for being here, spending some of your time reading this story <3 Thank you all so much for the comments, kudos, and for just being here to read in general! Remember that you can follow me on Twitter @ToriWrtsStories if you want to chat, bug me about updating, stalk me, whatever. Haha :D I hope you all have a lovely weekend, and I will see you guys in chapter 4! x


	4. never ridden in a convertible before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheryl opens up to her therapist about her panic attack, lies to Josie about all the time she's been spending on her phone, and goes out with Toni.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goooood evening everyone! Sorry I forgot to update yesterday, I was sort of having like, a really low mental health day and I laid around a lot being upset about the fact that school and work are starting within the next week lol. Today I bounced back and cleaned like, almost my whole apartment in like 4 hours with 1 break lmfao. Put away all my Christmas decorations and everything!
> 
> Anyway! I'm still so happy with the response to this fic, I'm so glad everyone seems to be enjoying it so much! I am so excited to provide you all with chapter 4! :)
> 
> Also, for this chapter, TW: Discussion of panic attacks, discussion of dissociation, therapy
> 
> Enjoy! xx

“So. How has the past week been?”

Cheryl let out a breath, knowing what she needed to admit to her therapist this week—about her panic attack at the pep rally and the near panic on Saturday. Still, it was hard for her to gather the words, and she’d spent the week doing her best not to think about it. “Not horrible, but…” Dr. Rhodes waited patiently for Cheryl to continue. “Um, last Friday we had a pep rally. I had…” Cheryl’s gaze jumped up, meeting her own gaze in the little mirror on the wall. She quickly looked away. “I had a panic attack.”

Dr. Rhodes frowned. “And you didn’t call me?” she asked. “You know you can, right? We talked about that in November.”

“I know,” Cheryl said, “but it was at school, and Josie helped calm me down, and it didn’t last very long.”

“Do you want to describe to me what happened?”

Cheryl nodded, although she didn’t really want to. “There’s this stupid sophomore boy on the varsity football team this year. He has… red hair, darker than mine, but… I saw him from the back, and with his varsity jacket he looked…” Cheryl felt herself get choked up a little. “Fuck, he looked _just_ like him.”

“And at a pep rally,” Dr. Rhodes said softly. “I’m sure that made it worse.”

“God, it was so embarrassing. Thankfully, only the cheerleaders really noticed, and Josie locked them all out of the locker room while I cried and probably looked like an idiot.” Cheryl wiped at her face, surprised that she didn’t actually find any tears on her face. Dr. Rhodes frowned. “But I… I just flashed back to after the game. The rain, the car, the whole accident…”

“And this is the first one in a while, right? Panic attack, I mean?”

Cheryl nodded. “I haven’t had any since beginning of December. Afterwards, I went home and slept for like, three hours.”

“Yes, I recall you saying you slept a lot in the month or so after the accident.”

Cheryl nodded. She swallowed thickly, looking down at where her hands were twisted together in her lap. “I had another… short moment of panic on Saturday. When I was with T—” Cheryl snapped her mouth shut. “With one of my new friends.”

“Any idea what triggered that one?”

“We were talking about parents… expectations…” Cheryl sighed a little. “In the hospital room that night, I was largely unscathed, and Jason was… just out of surgery and in a coma—they hadn’t determined that he was brain dead yet and… my mother was screaming at me, demanding how I could let that happen. And suddenly I was back there…”

“You called this one a short moment of panic, though?”

“Before I really got panicky, my friend, she… sort of snapped me out of it, and distracted me with a new topic of conversation,” Cheryl admitted. “She didn’t ask why I dissociated or anything. It was… nice.”

“So, I take it you haven’t really opened up to any of them yet? Your new friends?”

“Not about Jason,” Cheryl confirmed.

“Have any more of these panicky moments happened since then?”

Cheryl shrugged. “Not really, but… I haven’t been sleeping super well. I keep having nightmares and waking up in a cold sweat… which is new. That wasn’t happening to me before.”

“Okay. Well it’s normal for PTSD symptoms to change over time. It sounds like these intrusive memories are coming to you again,” Dr. Rhodes said with a nod. Cheryl nodded in agreement—the statement seeming obvious to her. “Before we continue on that topic, I was wondering if you did your homework?”

Cheryl blinked, taking a moment to realize what she was talking about. “Oh. I was supposed to prepare stories about Jason.”

“So I take it that it slipped your mind?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, you have mentioned a few things already about that night, things you haven’t talked much. Is there maybe… a happy memory about your brother that you can recall?” Dr. Rhodes wondered.

Cheryl pursed her lips, forcing herself to think into her past before the day before Halloween. “Maybe last fourth of July,” Cheryl said softly.

“Did you and your family do something special?”

“No. Well, my parents were never interested in the celebration. But Jason and I did a picnic every year, the morning of the fourth of July. It was special because… it was just us. Not our parents, not any of his friends or my friends. It was just our thing.” Cheryl swallowed thickly. “Last year, he made us roast beef sandwiches, and I baked a bunch of muffins. And then when we got to our normal picnic spot, sort of in the woods behind our house…” Cheryl trailed off, sniffling a little as she realized that tears were in her eyes. “There was this deer, grazing on some grass. Jason sort of shouted at it, hoping it would run away, but when the deer got startled, this giant buck jumped out of the bushes and ran toward us.” Cheryl laughed a little. “Jason took off running and I dove out of the way, our picnic went all over the ground, and we couldn’t stop laughing. We didn’t even try to save any of the food or do-over the picnic, it was just so funny. We ended up going to a movie instead.” Cheryl laughed again, hot tears rolling down her cheeks as her heart ached.

“It sounds like you two had a lot of fun.”

Cheryl nodded, sniffling. “Yeah. Well, I thought… you know, we do this every year, it’s okay if we don’t this year. We’ll just do it next year…” Cheryl bit down on her lower lip, stifling the sob that was threatening to spill out.

“That is hard,” Dr. Rhodes said softly. “Thank you for telling me about that.”

Cheryl nodded, wiping away her tears and curling her legs up underneath herself on the couch. Dr. Rhodes jotted something down in her notes, nodding a little to herself. “So, if it’s okay with you, I think we should talk a little more about the intrusive memories. From the accident.”

Cheryl took in a shaky breath and nodded.

* * *

“Girl, you have been checked out all day today,” Josie complained, “and I just need your opinion on a few outfits!”

“You said that when we got to lunch fifteen minutes and ten outfits ago,” Cheryl muttered, her attention on her phone. Josie groaned.

“Fine. I guess I need to finish eating anyway.”

Cheryl looked at the newest notification on her phone, forcing her expression to stay blank the same way she had for the entire lunch period. She read the newest response from Toni and typed something back quickly.

Texting Toni had become a regular part of her routine this week, and the amount of texting they did had been gradually increasing. Today, Cheryl had started her lunch period off by texting Toni to officially let her know that she was not quite comfortable with riding on a motorcycle:

**Cheryl – Hey, so about your motorcycle. I think I’m not mentally prepared to ride on it. So, I can either drive, or get a Lyft if there’s going to be any drinking involved.**

**Toni – Okay, no worries! As for drinking, both of us are underage so dinner, at least, will have no alcohol.**

**Cheryl – So when do you turn 21?**

**Toni – April!**

From there, they’d just been texting as usual. Sometimes it was joking and teasing, or lowkey flirting, and other times Toni would tell Cheryl funny and crazy stories from her life. Cheryl gave fewer of those because she had fewer in general. Neither of them really ever talked about anything more serious, though, which Cheryl appreciated it. If Toni started to share something more serious, Cheryl would worry that she needed to do the same, and she didn’t know if she was ready to.

“Cheryl,” Josie said, drawing Cheryl’s gaze up after a second.

“Hm?”

“I asked what you’re doing on your phone,” Josie said, looking more amused than suspicious.

“Just on social media,” Cheryl lied, as another text from Toni came through.

“I’ve never seen you type so much on any social media,” Josie teased. Cheryl didn’t say anything, choosing instead to respond to Toni’s text. When she looked up again, though, Josie was looking at her expectantly.

“What?” Cheryl asked, furrowing her eyebrows a little.

“Did you finally download Tinder?” Josie asked, grinning proudly as if she’d figured it out.

Cheryl was about to deny it straight out, but then she realized that maybe it would be a good excuse. If Josie thought she was talking to guys on Tinder, at least she would maybe understand why Cheryl didn’t want to share exactly who she was talking to. “None of your business,” Cheryl said, narrowing her eyes.

Josie squealed excitedly. “Oh my god, can I see?”

“No!” Cheryl exclaimed, locking her phone finally and sliding it away.

“What! Girl, you’ve seen literally everything on my Tinder!”

“Yeah, well. I’m just having fun,” Cheryl insisted, “and I don’t want it to be a big thing, okay?”

“Okay,” Josie gave in. “Just… can I ask one question about it?”

“Sure,” Cheryl relented, hoping the question would be easy to lie for.

Josie grinned, lowering her voice a little. “Are you talking to anyone from school?”

Cheryl immediately cringed. “Are you crazy? Like anyone at this horrid school would even want to talk to me on Tinder. No.”

“You are so dramatic, Cheryl. People here don’t hate you. You’re just intimidating,” Josie insisted. “And especially now, people are probably just trying to be careful around you.” Cheryl frowned, and Josie blinked. “Shit, sorry. You know what I mean. Just like—”

“I got it, Jos, it’s okay,” Cheryl insisted.

Josie nodded slowly. “Well, do you want to hang out tonight?”

“I can’t tonight,” Cheryl admitted. “I have some homework to get done.”

“On a Friday night?” Josie demanded.

“Yes.”

“Fine. I guess I’ll go to one of those stupid parties happening tonight, then. Apparently, the baseball guys are having some now, but the football players are trying to compete for attendance.”

Cheryl rolled her eyes. “Go to the baseball party. Don’t give Chuck the satisfaction of head cheerleader being at a football party.”

Josie laughed. “Fine. If you finish your homework, you should join.”

“If I do, I will,” Cheryl lied. Suddenly, the bell rang out to mark the end of lunch, and everyone started getting up to throw away their trash.

“See you later, girl!” Josie said with a grin, before the two of them parted ways.

When Cheryl made it to her next class, she settled into her seat and grabbed her phone out of her pocket—she had a new text from Toni.

**Toni – Sorry to switch the topic, but is there any food you’re like, allergic to or that you hate?**

**Cheryl – Nope, I’m not picky.**

**Toni – Cool.**

**Toni – So, did we decide that you’re going to drive? Or do you want me to get you a Lyft?**

**Cheryl – I can drive.**

**Toni – What do you drive anyway?**

**Cheryl – You a big car person or something?**

**Toni – Not a big one, but I’m curious. You keep surprising me, so.**

**Cheryl – I drive an old red convertible Chevrolet Impala.**

Cheryl bit down on her lower lip as she awaited Toni’s response—she knew her car was a classic, collector’s sort of car. Her parents had bought it for her at the same time as they’d gotten Jason’s Mustang. Cheryl suddenly felt a spike of anxiety at the thought, and she was grateful that Toni’s next text came through right at that moment.

**Toni – Damn, what! That’s one sexy ass car.**

**Cheryl – I know.**

**Toni – Not as sexy as my motorcycle though. You’ll see one day.**

Cheryl smiled a little at the words “one day,” implying that Toni thought Cheryl would eventually agree to ride on her motorcycle. Usually, cockiness like that might piss Cheryl off, but on Toni, it was kind of hot.

**Cheryl – My next class is about to start. Don’t forget to send me the address of wherever it is we’re meeting tonight.**

**Toni – Once I figure it out, I will lmfao.**

* * *

“Cheryl,” Penelope Blossom greeted coldly when Cheryl got home after school. “I spoke to Dr. Rhodes today.”

“Did you?” Cheryl asked dryly, wandering past her mother into the kitchen.

“I was hoping for an update, but instead I got a bunch of _bullshit_ about how the waiver you signed for her to give me updates about how you are doing expired at the end of the year, and that you’d need to sign another one for her to be able to give me any updates,” Penelope snapped.

“Oh. Yeah, she mentioned that to me when the new year started,” Cheryl said thoughtfully, “but I told her I didn’t want to sign one.”

“We are _paying_ for that therapist for you, Cheryl.”

“Yes, and you’re paying her to help me, not you,” Cheryl snapped, “so I don’t know why you need to be all in my business.”

Penelope huffed. “All of this therapy doesn’t even seem to be helping. Maybe you don’t need to be seeing that Dr. Rhodes anymore.”

Cheryl felt her chest tighten. “No,” Cheryl snapped, surprising herself, “no, I think… I think it’s helping.” Penelope lifted an eyebrow. “Look, even if I had signed that stupid waiver, Dr. Rhodes wouldn’t just tell you everything about our sessions. And if you want to know how I’m doing, maybe you should try asking me.”

Penelope frowned, and Cheryl started grabbing herself a small snack to hold her over until dinner with Toni. When her mom didn’t say anything, Cheryl just rolled her eyes.

“By the way, I’m going to Josie’s tonight. Don’t wait up for me,” Cheryl muttered, pushing past Penelope with her backpack and snack in hand as she headed to her room.

* * *

High rise, black jeans hugged Cheryl’s hips, and she was also wearing a white, knit cropped sweater. She’d topped the look off with a ruby necklace and matching earrings. She had also completely redone her makeup in the time since she got home from school, including applying her favorite red lipstick, which she had been neglecting recently, and curled her hair. She had been feeling pretty confident for the date, but while she adjusted her outfit in the mirror, a few minutes before she needed to leave, she felt butterflies in her stomach.

The address that Toni had sent her was the location of an Italian place near the Eastwood campus, so it was about a twenty minute drive for Cheryl, but she was trying to arrive a few minutes late. She wasn’t the kind of person to show up fashionably late, but she didn’t want to arrive before Toni, because she didn’t know if they had a reservation or not. She was overthinking it a little, which made her wish that she’d just let Toni pick her up on her motorcycle. But every time she actually imagined speeding down the road without any walls around her, she felt a wave of anxiety in the pit of her stomach, so she figured it was better to avoid that on a first date.

Cheryl finally left in time for her to arrive just five minutes after their arranged meeting time, and when she made it to the restaurant, she parked, walked inside, and was delighted to see that Toni was already seated at a table.

As Cheryl approached the table, Toni looked up from the menu and smiled at Cheryl. Her lips looked glossy today, and she was wearing a bit more of a put together look than any other time Cheryl had seen her. That meant jeans that weren’t ripped, and a cute blouse tucked into the top of her pants. Like usual, though, she had her leather jacket atop it.

“Hey,” Toni greeted brightly, “you look nice.”

“Hi,” Cheryl heard herself respond, sounding a bit more nervous than she meant to. “Thanks. You, too. Sorry I’m a couple of minutes late.”

“No worries,” Toni insisted, “I know you’re further out from this area. I was going to try to find some place closer to you, but I didn’t wanna sound like a creep asking where you live or something.”

Cheryl laughed a little. “West of here. About twenty minutes.”

“Ah okay,” Toni said with a nod, “noted for future reference. But yeah, sorry you had to drive this far.”

“No, it’s okay, I don’t mind,” Cheryl assured her. Honestly, she was much more comfortable twenty minutes further into the city, because it was way less likely that anyone from her school would see her. “Really.”

“Okay,” Toni said with a smile.

“How was your day?” Cheryl wondered, as she started to look through her menu.

“Busy,” Toni admitted. “I spent the morning doing homework, and the afternoon giving tattoos. Your lunch break, when you were texting me, was the only break I gave myself until like, an hour ago.”

Cheryl frowned. “That doesn’t sound fun.”

Toni shrugged. “Gotta work to pay the bills, you know? Well, I guess you don’t know, but…” Toni grinned teasingly at Cheryl, who playfully tapped her shoe on Toni’s under the table. “What about you? How was your day?”

Cheryl shrugged. “Fine. School was boring. My mom sucks. The usual.” Toni nodded slowly, looking like she was wondering whether she should say something. “But…” Cheryl continued, before Toni could get the chance to ask any follow up questions, “let’s not let that affect tonight.”

Toni smiled softly. “I know you said you weren’t picky, but I decided on Italian because I feel like I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t like at least one thing at an Italian restaurant.”

“Can’t go wrong with pasta,” Cheryl agreed with a chuckle.

The dinner went by unfortunately quickly, but it was for good reason. The two of them fell into easy conversation, mostly thanks to Toni launching into a funny story about Veronica that had happened earlier that week, which had reminded Cheryl of a funny story about Josie from the previous year sometime. Toni sounded happy to finally hear something about Cheryl’s best friend, and then Cheryl gave in to the idea of asking some typical, silly first date questions. Cheryl admitted to never having had a pet before and wanting to have a cat one day, and she learned about the neighborhood dog that Toni basically considered as her own for all of high school.

They still skirted around any very serious topics, but by the time they had finished eating and Toni snatched the check off the table before Cheryl could even consider doing so, Cheryl was surprised at how quickly their conversation had passed the time.

As they walked out of the restaurant, Toni glanced around the parking lot until her gaze landed on Cheryl’s very obvious red Impala. “Damn,” Toni exclaimed, walking toward the car. “It’s so old.”

Cheryl laughed. “Mmhmm.”

“But it drives nice?”

“Yeah. It’s had a few upgrades over the years,” Cheryl said with a nod. “Obviously.”

“I like it,” Toni said with a smile. “My dad used to fix up cars when I was a kid. I think he worked on a car similar to this at one point. I remember the top was down at one point while he was working, and I sneaked in and sat in the driver’s seat. When my dad wasn’t paying attention, I started blasting the radio and honking erratically—he was pissed as hell.”

Cheryl smiled, leaning against the door of her car. “Did you get in trouble?”

“No, actually,” Toni admitted, “he was pissed, but then later my mom convinced him that I was just having fun.” Toni’s smile faltered a little. “So she convinced him not to punish me.”

“That’s sweet,” Cheryl said softly, not missing Toni’s fallen expression. “Are you okay?”

Toni nodded quickly. “Yeah, fine. Sorry, just… memories, you know?”

“I know,” Cheryl agreed, quiet.

Toni looked at Cheryl with a soft look, her eyes seeming to consider something. “I, um,” she finally started, “lost my mom a long time ago. It kind of changed everything in my life, so it’s weird to talk about before then.”

Cheryl opened her mouth to say something, but she froze, nothing coming out. She didn’t want to say sorry—she hated it when people apologized for Jason dying—but she didn’t want to say nothing either.

“I know,” Toni said with a shake of her head, “it’s fine, don’t feel bad with not knowing what to say.”

“I just… I know that ‘sorry’ isn’t helpful,” Cheryl told the pink haired girl. “But that must have been hard, losing her. Especially so young.”

Toni nodded, smiling softly. “Yeah no, it sucked for sure. Anyway, we don’t have to talk about that.” She looked away from Cheryl a little. “Do you, uh… have a certain time you need to be home, or anything?”

Technically, yes, Cheryl did have a curfew of eleven, but she’d lied to her mom and said that she was going to Josie’s, which meant that they weren’t really going to be keeping track of her return. And even if they were, it wasn’t like Cheryl was one to follow her curfew recently.

“Nope,” Cheryl said. “Why? Does this date have a part two?”

“Well, I hadn’t really planned anything, but I was thinking we could hang out more if you wanted to?” Toni suggested, to which Cheryl nodded in response. “We could go out somewhere else, or… ah, Veronica is out tonight, so my apartment is empty.”

Cheryl bit down on the inside of her lower lip. “We can go to your apartment.”

“Cool,” Toni said with a smile. “Um, I actually walked here, since it’s so close, but you drove here so…”

Cheryl laughed at how awkward Toni sounded all of the sudden—out of character for her. “Hop in,” Cheryl offered, producing her keys from her purse and unlocking the vehicle. Toni grinned, and moved around to the passenger’s side, as Cheryl started to take down the car’s top.

“Wow,” Toni murmured, looking up at the sky. “I’ve never actually ridden in a convertible before.”

Cheryl smiled, getting into the driver’s seat and starting the car. She reached over and opened the glove compartment, her arm brushing against Toni’s thigh, and grabbed a few hair ties out. “You might want this,” she offered. Despite having curled her hair earlier, Cheryl twisted her own hair up into a bun and tied it up with the band as Toni pulled hers into a high pony. Cheryl bit down on her lip at the sight of Toni in the high ponytail—something about it made her heart jump.

They buckled their seatbelts, and then Cheryl pulled out from the parking lot. Toni pointed down the street and to the right. “It’s just that big building there. There’s a parking lot next to it that you can park in.”

“Okay,” Cheryl said, before suddenly turning the opposite direction out of the lot.

“Wait—did you not hear me?” Toni asked, laughing a little.

“I heard you,” Cheryl answered, “but your first ride in a convertible can’t be for less than a minute! If we don’t get up to at least fifty miles an hour, than what’s the point?”

So Cheryl drove them to the nearest freeway, which was not very busy for a Friday night, and as she drove on the on-ramp, accelerating steadily, the wind whipping against their faces and through their hair. Cheryl glanced at Toni, whose eyes were closed, a small smile on her face. Smiling as well, Cheryl turned on the radio, causing Toni to blink her eyes open.

“Pick something,” Cheryl said loudly over all the sounds of the road, nodding toward the radio. Toni grinned and switched to a radio station that was playing oldies, and then Cheryl turned the volume up, almost managing to drown out the sound of the wind.

Cheryl laughed a little at the carelessness of it all, wondering why she didn’t do this to get out of her head more often.

They drove like that for about ten minutes, enough time for Cheryl to drive up the freeway a bit, exit and turn around, and make it back to where they’d originally gotten on. She then drove straight for the apartment building, turning down the radio as she slowed the car and pulled into the parking lot.

“For the record,” Toni said, sounding a little breathless, “riding on a motorcycle is not that much different than that.”

“Except there aren’t walls around you on a motorcycle,” Cheryl insisted as she parked the car.

“Touché.”

They got out of the car and Toni led Cheryl into the apartment building and up and elevator to the third floor. A few doors down from the elevator was Toni and Veronica’s apartment, which Toni promptly unlocked to let them in.

It was a pretty nicely sized area, especially considering how close it was to campus, Cheryl thought. There was a decent sized kitchen space for a small dining table. A comfy looking couch sat in front of a mounted flat screen TV, below which was a coffee table with some gaming consoles and things on it. There were two doors on either side of the living area, probably leading to the two bedrooms, and a door off the kitchen that Cheryl guessed was the pantry or laundry. “You two have your own bathrooms?” Cheryl wondered.

“Yep,” Toni said with a nod. “And don’t ask how I can afford this place on a tattoo artist hourly pay—because I can’t. We love student loans and the fact that Veronica is loaded and likes to have nice things, like that TV.”

Cheryl rolled her eyes. “Like I was going to ask that.” Toni shrugged, and closed and locked the door behind them, setting her keys down on the dining table.

“Do you want something to drink?”

“What do you have?” Cheryl wondered, leaning on one of the kitchen counters as Toni ventured toward the fridge.

“Umm… orange juice. Water. Beer. White wine.” She closed the fridge and then looked in one of the cabinets. “Oh, and tequila.” She laughed a little. “Leave it to me and Ronnie to have more alcohol than actual drinks.”

“I guess I probably shouldn’t drink,” Cheryl said reluctantly, “since I drove and all…”

Toni glanced at Cheryl. “So water, or orange juice?”

“Water is fine,” Cheryl said, feeling something like disappointment at Toni’s response. She didn’t mention it, though, as Toni poured two glasses of water and passed one to Cheryl.

“Now that I’ve remembered to be a good host,” Toni joked, “come on.”

Cheryl followed Toni to the door on the right side of the living room and opened it to reveal a cluttered bedroom. It wasn’t messy though, just cluttered with lots of things. There was a full sized bed in the corner, with a nightstand next to it. There was a door next to the nightstand that presumably led to the bathroom. There was also a dresser, a desk and chair, and a laundry basket taking up the other floor spaces against the wall.

The walls themselves, too, were quite a bit cluttered. They were covered in photos and art and posters. Cheryl immediately began to look all around at them. “Wow,” she said.

“Yeah, it’s kind of… a lot,” Toni admitted, laughing embarrassedly. “The truth is, I’ve never really gotten to make any space like, _my own_ , so I really went for it when Ronnie and I got this place summer after freshman year.”

“I love it,” Cheryl assured her. Her gaze stopped on a few paintings and drawings hanging above the desk. “Your art?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“It’s really pretty.”

“Thanks,” Toni said, smiling. “Oh, do you want to sit?”

They sat on Toni’s bed and set their water glasses on the nightstand, and Toni told Cheryl about how she was obsessed with photography in high school and started getting into drawing and painting only after starting her art degree in college, which was also when she started experimenting with tattoos. Cheryl was beyond impressed at Toni’s skills, although Toni seemed a bit shy about it all.

“So,” Toni started, after she had stopped telling Cheryl about her art, “what do you want to do after high school?”

“I have no idea,” Cheryl admitted, leaning against the wall by Toni’s bed. “I used to have some ideas, but… I don’t know now.”

“Now?” Toni asked.

Cheryl looked at the pink haired girl—she was beautiful and nice and somehow seemed perfect, despite the fact that Cheryl knew there must be more beneath the surface. More about her mom dying, about her life not having any place to make her own. She had her life together—she’d probably gone through the worst life had to throw at her, at least for a while. Cheryl, though, her life was an absolute mess. “Yeah,” Cheryl said finally, choosing not to elaborate, despite that being Toni’s intention.

“Well,” Toni said, rolling her shoulders a little, “you’ve got plenty of time. Fangs and Sweet Pea have both changed their majors—Fangs is actually thinking of switching it _again_. You don’t have to have it figured out yet.”

“Thank god,” Cheryl joked. Toni smiled at her, and Cheryl found herself staring into those soft, brown eyes. Cheryl wondered what her own eyes looked like when she was looking at Toni—surely, they didn’t look as tired and lifeless as they did every time Cheryl caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror at home, or at school, or in Dr. Rhodes’ office. Surely, they looked more like Toni’s did when the pink haired girl was looking at her.

“What?” Toni asked after a few seconds, her voice heavy with flirtation.

Cheryl pulled part of her lower lip between her teeth and watched Toni’s gaze drop down to Cheryl’s lips without hesitation. They popped back up a second later, and there was an obvious blush on Toni’s cheeks. Finally, Cheryl said, “You’re just…”

“Mmhmm?” Toni hummed, shifting closer to where Cheryl was leaning against the wall.

Cheryl shook her head a little before leaning forward abruptly and pressing her lips to Toni’s. Toni’s hands immediately rose to Cheryl’s face, and the touch made her pale skin tingle. Cheryl’s own hands found their way to Toni’s ponytail, pulling it out in a swift motion. She was surprised by her own courage as she tangled her long fingers through pink and purple hair.

Toni suddenly rose up from her position sort of next to Cheryl and straddled her legs over Cheryl’s lap. She was smaller than Cheryl, so the position worked perfectly, their faces level as Toni kissed Cheryl with intention. Cheryl felt absolutely lost in the other girl, her hands trailing down to Toni’s hips as Toni’s hands cupped the back of Cheryl’s neck.

Cheryl wasn’t sure how long they were like that, kissing each other breathless there on Toni’s bed, but she knew that she would have been happy if it never ended. Instead, though, at some point, the sound of a door unlocking and opening from the main room of the apartment broke the two of them apart. Of course, they had forgotten to close the door to Toni’s room, which led Toni to quickly climb off of Cheryl as Veronica came into view outside the room.

“Oh—hey, T. And Cheryl,” Veronica greeted, looking highly amused at the surprise on both Toni and Cheryl’s faces. “Didn’t realize you were here.”

“Well, I didn’t realize that you were going to be back at a reasonable time on a Friday night,” Toni commented.

Veronica rolled her eyes. “Nothing interesting is happening tonight. Well—that’s not entirely true. Did Sweets and Fangs tell you that them, Archie, Reggie, and Munroe are having a _boy’s_ night tonight? Like, I’m high key offended, but also I find it to be completely adorable?”

“Wow,” Toni said with a chuckle.

“Yeah. So I texted Betty, Storm, Peaches, and _you_ and asked about a girl’s night, but I didn’t realize you were _occupied_ for the evening,” Veronica said, glancing at Cheryl and winking. Cheryl instantly blushed, pursing her lips together.

Toni rolled her eyes, reaching to her back pocket to grab her phone and presumably check the messages from Veronica. “Oh great, so all of the girls are headed over.”

Veronica smiled. “Well, you two can hide away in there if you want, or you’re both welcome to join. I rented Charlie’s Angels—the one with Kristen Stewart. Can you guess who picked it?”

“If it was anyone other than Storm, I would be very surprised,” Toni said with a laugh. She glanced at Cheryl with a smile. “She’s obsessed with Kristen Stewart.”

“I’m going to change into something comfier,” Veronica announced, before disappearing from the view out the door as she slipped into her own bedroom.

Toni turned her attention back to Cheryl, giving her an apologetic look. “Sorry. Really thought she was going to be hooking up with Reggie tonight when she said she was headed to his frat house. Didn’t realize all our guy friends were suddenly having boy’s bonding nights.”

“It’s okay,” Cheryl insisted. “Um, if you want to hang out with your friends, I can go. This was a really good date, but I don’t want you to miss hanging out with them.”

Toni frowned. “Hey, wait, you heard Ronnie, you’re welcome to join. If you want.”

Cheryl felt her heart warm a little. “Okay.”

“Plus, you haven’t seen hilarious until you’ve seen Storm lusting over Kristen Stewart while Peaches is in the room,” Toni joked.

* * *

The movie night was more fun than Cheryl was expecting. The movie wasn’t too bad, and Veronica made them all popcorn at some point. Veronica, Toni, Betty, and Storm all started drinking halfway through the movie as well—Betty lived a short walk away, and Peaches had driven her and Storm—so that left Peaches and Cheryl as the only sober ones.

When the movie ended, though, Cheryl decided that she should call it a night, and she quickly slipped into Toni’s room to grab her purse and to use the bathroom. As she washed her hands, she stared at herself in the mirror. She didn’t look too tired, despite her now pretty messy bun and faded lipstick. She let out a breath, drying her hands on the hand towel before releasing her hair and allowing it to fall back around her in curls and waves.

As she emerged back into the living area, Veronica looked up and said, “You leaving, Cheryl?”

“Yeah,” Cheryl answered, “it’s like a twenty minute drive home for me, so.”

“Well thanks for joining!” Betty said with a smile. “Hope to see you soon.”

Veronica snickered. “Oh, I’m sure we will.” Betty, Storm, and Peaches gave Veronica a confused look, while Toni just rolled her eyes and Cheryl blushed a little.

Toni got up from where she was sitting on the couch and walked Cheryl to the door, saying, “Ignore her.” Cheryl smiled a little as Toni opened the apartment door and slipped out into the hallway with her for a moment. “Thanks for being so cool about the movie night. And I’m sorry again that our date sort of ended abruptly.”

“It was fun, it’s okay,” Cheryl assured her. “As far as dates go, this one has to rank pretty highly for me.”

Toni scoffed. “You said no one’s ever taken you on a date!” Cheryl bit back a grin, stifling a laugh.

“Exactly.”

“You think you’re so funny?” Toni pretended to glare at her, but Cheryl most definitely did not buy it. Her heart was beating hard, waiting for Toni to kiss her—she knew it was coming. After a second, she leaned slightly closer to the older girl, practically begging for the kiss, and Toni finally gave in, pulling Cheryl close and pressing their lips together softly.

When they pulled apart, Cheryl heard herself sigh happily. “Text me tomorrow?”

“Sure,” Toni agreed, her fabricated glare nowhere to be seen.

“Thanks for tonight,” Cheryl whispered.

“Of course. Goodnight, Cheryl.”

“Goodnight, Toni.”

Cheryl pecked Toni quickly on the lips one last time before she finally started back down to her car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being here to read this new chapter! I'm about to go eat some soup and relax hard on the couch until I play Among Us with some friends later XD It's probably a good thing I tired myself out cleaning today because I need to fix my sleep schedule and I could probably go to bed now if I tried lmfao.
> 
> I'll probably update before the weekend :) I start work again on Thursday but it's only 4hrs Thursday and 4hrs Friday so I'll have plenty of time still for updating purposes, depending on what else I end up doing those days lol.
> 
> I hope you all are having a lovely week! Remember you can hit me up on Twitter @ToriWrtsStories if you ever want to chat, remind me to update, stalk me, whatever hahaha. I love to chat on there so feel free :) Have a great night everyone!


	5. it gets different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheryl wakes up to something unexpected Saturday morning that throws off her day, but Toni manages to make it a little bit better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good evening everyone! Happy Friday! Last Friday before I have to go back to school... but at least it's a long weekend!  
> I've had a rough couple days but I am happy to present to you all, Chapter 5!
> 
> And for chapter 5, TW: discussion of grief, therapy, mention of suicidal thoughts, reference to drunk driving accident, mentions of anger issues, mentions of death.
> 
> Without further ado, please enjoy! <3

When Cheryl woke up on Saturday morning, it was to a lot of strange noises coming from down the hallway. Since the Blossom estate and house itself was so large, Cheryl usually never heard noises near her room anymore, not since before Jason died. Her parents rarely even went up to where Cheryl’s bedroom was.

So despite feeling sleepy from her late night on Friday, she pulled herself up out of bed and dressed and cleaned herself up quickly, and then she ventured out into the hall.

What she saw made her stomach twist—movers, moving in and out of her brother’s room.

“Excuse me?” Cheryl heard herself holler, drawing the attention of multiple of the men. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“Uh—boss said we’re moving some of these boxes down to the front of the house,” one of the guys said. “And you are?”

Cheryl hardly even heard the question. “You need to stop that this instant! Jason’s stuff is not going anywhere!” She let out a huff. “Where the hell is my mother?”

Cheryl found Penelope and Clifford Blossom in the kitchen, sipping tea and looking over some documents in the little breakfast nook.

“Excuse me,” Cheryl demanded, “what are those men doing to JJ’s stuff?”

Clifford sighed. “Well, your mother spent some time organizing it, and we decided that we’re donating some of it. The rest of it will go into storage for now.”

“Donating it?” Cheryl demanded. “To whom?”

“He had a lot of old stuff from when you two were children,” Penelope answered, “stuff none of us need anymore. Your father did the calculations, we can get a big tax break if we donate it, and it’s a lot less effort than hiring an appraiser and selling it.”

Cheryl looked at her parents in disbelief.

“What in God’s name is wrong with you, Cheryl? Why are you looking at us like that?” Penelope demanded.

“That’s _Jason’s_ stuff! You didn’t think to at least let me go through it before you get rid of a bunch of it and stuff the rest into storage?” Cheryl demanded.

“Like you said, Cheryl. It’s _Jason’s_ stuff,” Clifford said. “Not yours. And legally, it’s all mine and your mother’s.”

Cheryl clenched her fists together. “You can’t do this.” Penelope rolled her eyes.

“God, Cheryl. Maybe you should get some fresh air today. Once again, I have no idea what’s gotten into you, and we don’t have time to deal with this kind of behavior today.” Cheryl felt tears in her eyes as she spun around in anger, storming back up to her room.

She didn’t stay there long, though. She quickly got herself ready to head out for the day and then grabbed her purse, but before she left, she pushed past the movers into Jason’s room.

As soon as she stepped foot inside, she froze. It smelled like him still. Aside from her mother a few times, no one had been in this room since a few days after Jason had been pronounced brain dead. Cheryl had been scared to come in—to see his lived in space without him in it. She choked out a sudden sob as she looked around the room. Some of the decorations and other things were missing, and piled into boxes, which were still being moved out by the movers.

Cheryl went to Jason’s closet and found that it had been mostly emptied. One of the few clothing items that still remained was Jason’s varsity jacket. She pulled it off of its hanger and slid it over her own shoulders. She was suddenly enveloped in his smell, like he was giving her a tight hug, telling her that it was going to be okay.

But it wasn’t okay, and Cheryl knew that.

She managed to hold in her tears until she reached her car, at which point they came out flowing. She leaned her forehead against the steering wheel, letting them flow freely for about five minutes.

Finally, after the purge of her emotions, she sat up and took in a deep breath. Glancing at herself in her car mirror revealed her already light makeup mostly gone from her face, and she rolled her eyes, wiping it away. Another deep breath. She reached for her phone and dialed.

“Morning, Cher! What’s up?” Josie answered.

“Can we get breakfast?” Cheryl asked. “Actually, could we get breakfast to-go, and go to your place? I just… can’t be out this morning.”

“Yeah, yeah of course. Why don’t you head over, and I’ll just Postmates something,” Josie said, concern evident in her voice. “That way we don’t have to go anywhere at all. Sound good?”

“Yeah. I’m on my way.”

“Okay, Cher. Drive safe.”

Cheryl hung up the phone and wiped at her face, before starting the short drive to Josie’s house.

Josie didn’t ask her what was wrong, or why she was wearing Jason’s varsity jacket, until they were seated in her dining room, with their Postmates delivered breakfast sprawled between them on the big, wooden table. And when she did, she asked, “Do you want to tell me what happened? If not, that’s okay.”

Cheryl let out a shaky breath, looking up at the ceiling for a second. “They have people taking out boxes of Jason’s stuff. Apparently, they’re donating some of it, and storing other things… but isn’t it too soon? It’s too soon, right?”

Josie frowned. “I don’t know, Cher. That must have been a lot to wake up to.”

Cheryl stabbed a fork into some waffles, taking a small bite and barely managing to swallow it—her throat threatening another sob. “God, how could they just get rid of his stuff? It’s not like they ever have to see it! What’s wrong with keeping his room the way it was? Why can’t they just leave it?” Cheryl demanded.

“Maybe it’s hard for them. Knowing his room is the same up there, but he’s not there,” Josie suggested sadly.

“Don’t they think it’ll be hard for me? Knowing that there’s now a completely empty room where he used to be? Where all his things used to be? What if I wanted to go in there, just to…? I don’t know, feel like he’s there with me?”

Josie frowned. “Have you ever done that?”

“No, but…” Cheryl groaned, running a hand through her hair. “Now I won’t ever get the chance. To feel like we’re back in a moment when everything was okay.”

“Would that help?” Josie wondered.

Cheryl looked at her. “What?”

“Feeling like you’re in a moment when everything was okay?”

“I don’t know,” Cheryl admitted. “Maybe. Maybe not.”

“Is this helping?” Josie wondered, her hand reaching out and gently touching the varsity jacket. Cheryl glanced down at herself wearing it.

“Yes,” she said, “and no. I mean, if I close my eyes, it’s like he’s here with me, and yet…”

Josie nodded. “I’m so sorry, Cher. That they’re moving out his stuff. But… you know, no one has used it in months. Maybe this is part of like, your parents grieving process.”

“Well what about my fucking grieving process?” Cheryl exclaimed. Josie looked surprised at the outburst, and Cheryl let out a breath. “Sorry, sorry…”

“It’s okay, girl. Don’t be sorry. Maybe your parents don’t know what you need to grieve,” Josie suggested. “And I know your parents are… pretty awful most of the time, but I don’t think this is about you. I think that, unfortunately, your feelings are in the crossfire. But your parents loved Jason, I’m sure this is a thought out decision that they’re making. And I’m not saying it’s a good decision or anything like that. Just…”

She trailed off, but Cheryl understood what she was saying. “Everyone is moving on too fast,” Cheryl whispered aloud, for the first time aside from in therapy. “The whole school has basically forgotten what happened. My parents are throwing out his stuff. It’s like I’m the only one who wants to remember him.”

“Oh, Cheryl,” Josie replied softly, her voice sad. “No one has forgotten what happened, baby girl. We just don’t know how to talk about it around you.” Cheryl looked up at her best friend skeptically. “I’ve talked about Jason a lot to my mom, actually. You’re like a sister to me, Cher, and he and I were pretty close, too. But your loss is still monumentally larger than mine, and I know that what happened last semester was super traumatizing for you. I just… never want to bring it up to you, because I don’t want to upset you.”

Cheryl sniffed, realizing suddenly that tears were already falling from her eyes. “I can’t talk about him,” Cheryl whispered. “Every time I talk about him I—I… cry or panic or…”

“That’s okay, Cher,” Josie said gently, “that’s okay. Crying isn’t a bad thing.”

“And panicking?” Cheryl asked, sniffling and lifting an eyebrow.

“Less ideal, but that’s what therapy is supposed to help with, right?” Cheryl shrugged. “Do you feel like you can eat anymore?” Another shrug. “You wanna go up to my room? I’ll put this breakfast in the fridge for later, and you can sleep or rest or whatever you need until you’re hungry, okay?”

Cheryl gave in, and ventured up to Josie’s room, where she crawled into the big bed underneath the covers. She was out before Josie even came up and joined her.

* * *

When she woke up later, Josie was nowhere to be seen. Cheryl sat up slowly, seeing that her phone had somehow ended up on Josie’s nightstand. She grabbed it and saw the time, just after noon, and a text from her best friend.

**Josie – Hey girl, glad you’re getting some more sleep. The Postmates food is still in the fridge, help yourself! My mom’s been out of town since early this morning and she had a few errands she needed me to run while she’s gone, and they had to be done asap so I ran out. Text me if you need anything.**

Cheryl let out a breath, propping herself up against some of Josie’s pillows.

**Cheryl – Thanks, Jos. Just woke up. I’ll get some breakfast and then I can get out of your hair for the day.**

Josie didn’t reply right away, so Cheryl was about to get up and get her breakfast. However, she realized that she had another two missed text messages—from Toni. The first one was from a little after the time that Cheryl must’ve fallen asleep—a little before nine.

**Toni – Good morning, Cheryl! Hope you slept well. I had a really good night last night :)**

The second was from just a few minutes earlier.

**Toni – You did make it home okay last night, right? I just realized I never texted to make sure you made it… wow I’m really a sucky date.**

Cheryl smiled a little, despite herself.

**Cheryl – Good afternoon, Toni. Yes, I made it home okay last night. Sorry I didn’t reply earlier. Today’s already been a lot. I woke up at like, eight in the morning, and then ended up sleeping for another three hours. So, that’s fun.**

Finally dragging herself out of Josie’s bed, Cheryl made her way through the empty house to the kitchen, where she found her leftover breakfast and popped it in the microwave. While she waited for it to heat up, she got another text from Toni.

**Toni – That’s good to hear! The part that you made it home okay, not the second half. Sorry it’s already been a rough day.**

**Cheryl – Thanks. How’s your morning?**

**Toni – Super boring actually. Well, I had a tattoo scheduled to do from noon to three, yeah one big ass tattoo, and they canceled. So unless we get some walk-ins, I’m just chilling for a while.**

**Cheryl – Well, you could go get lunch?**

**Toni – I could, except then I would have to (a) move and (b) spend money, and I don’t feel like either of those things, so.**

Cheryl rolled her eyes, suddenly deciding the next thing she was going to do today.

As Cheryl finished up eating her breakfast, Josie came back home. She insisted that Cheryl should stay and that they could hang out, and that it wasn’t an inconvenience at all, but Cheryl managed to use an excuse about needing some time to herself as a way for her to leave without too much protesting from Josie.

Cheryl left Josie’s house and started the drive toward Eastwood University. She found herself at the café she’d met up with Toni at twice now, and she ordered the sandwich and fries that Toni always got for takeaway, along with a coke. Then it was back in the car for her, and she mapped her way to Tattoo You, which was only a few minutes away.

When she parked her car out in front of the tattoo shop, Cheryl let out a breath and glanced at the small building, and then looking at herself in the car mirror. She’d looked better, but she was sure that Toni wouldn’t think much of it, especially since Cheryl admitted that she’d slept most of the morning.

Just before she got out, she remembered to take off Jason’s varsity jacket—which she’d slept in all morning. Then she grabbed the takeout and her purse and started into the tattoo shop.

The place was mostly empty. There was a tattooed guy off to the right of the studio, giving some girl an arm tattoo. In the far left station in the studio, Toni sat in a chair with her feet up on another chair, totally absorbed in her phone. She was wearing a hoodie and jeans, and looked pretty relaxed.

Before Cheryl could head over there, someone else was appearing from the back of the studio and looked at Cheryl curiously. “Can I help you, miss?”

“Oh, I’m just—” Cheryl started, noticing Toni look up in surprise as soon as she talked.

“Oh—Cindy,” Toni called out, dropping her feet to the floor and sitting up a little straighter. “This is Cheryl. A, uh, friend of mine.” The girl who had attempted to help Cheryl—Cindy, apparently—glanced back at Toni and shrugged, before looking back at Cheryl and nodding to her.

Cheryl slowly made her way over to Toni as Cindy headed back to whatever she’d been doing in the back of the tattoo shop.

“This is a surprise,” Toni commented, her eyes glancing at the box of takeout in Cheryl’s hands.

“Well, you were refusing to feed yourself, and I needed somewhere to be, so,” Cheryl said, handing the takeout box and the coke to the older girl, who accepted them appreciatively.

“Thank you,” Toni said. “Feel free to take a seat.”

Cheryl sat where Toni’s feet had been up before, glancing around the little station around them. “So this is where you use a tiny needle to give people permanent markings that can never be undone?”

Toni laughed brightly, opening the takeout box. “Guess you haven’t changed your mind about getting a tattoo, huh?”

“Most definitely not,” Cheryl confirmed. “How many do you have, anyway? You showed me the one on your arm.”

“Mm,” Toni hummed, chewing the bite she’d taken of her sandwich. After a moment, she said, “I have five.”

“Five?” Cheryl asked in surprise, to which Toni nodded. “Where?”

Toni smirked. “The one on my left arm that you saw. I have another two on my right arm. One on my upper back. And one on my low hip.”

“Wow.”

Toni grinned and then suddenly pulled off her sweatshirt, revealing the tight black tank top she was wearing beneath it. It revealed all the rest of her tattoos, except the one on her hip. Toni turned a little so Cheryl could see the two tattoos on her upper right arm. One of them was a bunch of flowers—daisies, maybe—and it wrapped around her upper right arm. Higher than that, on the outside of Toni’s shoulder, was a crescent moon.

“Those are pretty,” Cheryl said softly.

Toni smiled and rotated her chair, revealing the tattoo on her upper back. It was a snake, its head on the left side of Toni’s back, poking up near her shoulder. But its tail morphed into a ribbon, tied into a bow on the right side of her back. Cheryl reached her hand out and gently touched her fingers to the ink, and she felt and heard Toni inhale sharply.

“It’s beautiful.”

“Thanks,” Toni said softly.

Cheryl dropped her hand and Toni spun the chair back around. “So what about number five?” She lifted an eyebrow, a smirk on her lips.

“Maybe you can see it another time,” Toni offered, winking at Cheryl and causing her heart to jump inside her chest. Toni kept eating her food as Cheryl glanced some more around the little tattoo station.

Suddenly, Cheryl’s phone was ringing. Furrowing her eyebrows, she grabbed it out of her bag and saw it was her mom. “Hold on, sorry,” she murmured, answering the call. “Yes?”

“Cheryl, do you have Jason’s varsity jacket?” Penelope demanded. Cheryl pursed her lips, subtly turning down the volume on her phone to ensure that Toni couldn’t hear her mother. “We’ve been looking for it for an hour, and it’s not with any of the stuff the movers moved, and it’s not still in his closet.”

“No, I don’t,” Cheryl lied. “Sounds like you lost it.”

“Cheryl Marjorie Blossom. This is not some joke; we need that jacket back.”

“I don’t have it,” Cheryl lied again. “What do you even need it for?”

“The school decided to officially retire his number, and they want to frame it and put it up with all the trophies. Are you really going to stand in the way of the school honoring your brother?” Penelope snapped.

Cheryl hung up the phone abruptly, taking in a deep breath. “Uh, everything okay?” Toni wondered.

Cheryl looked at the pink haired girl and let out the breath, trying to calm herself down. “Yeah, um… do you mind if I run out to my car really quick? I need to call someone.”

“Of course, go ahead,” Toni said with a nod. Cheryl gave her a soft smile and then got up, heading out of the tattoo shop with her purse and her phone.

As soon as she was in her car, she scrolled through her contacts and found the name she was looking for.

The phone rang three times before the call was answered. “This is Dr. Linda Rhodes.”

“Dr. Rhodes,” Cheryl said, “it’s Cheryl. I’m sorry for calling you on a Saturday—”

“Oh, Cheryl, no, don’t apologize. I told you, if you ever need to call me, I’m available. Give me one second to get to a quiet room.” Cheryl took in a deep breath, and a moment later, Dr. Rhodes said, “Okay, what’s going on?”

“I—I…” Cheryl didn’t even know where to start. “My parents are donating and storing all of his stuff. These movers were hauling out boxes this morning and my parents didn’t even let me look through any of it first. I managed to get his varsity jacket, and then I went to Josie’s and we talked some and then I slept for a while… ugh, that doesn’t matter. Sorry. My mom just called me and said they need the jacket because the school wants to put it up like a memorial for him, but it’s all I have. They just took everything else—it’s all I have, just this jacket that already smells less like him because I slept in it, and—”

“Cheryl, Cheryl,” Dr. Rhodes interrupted. “Take a deep breath.”

Cheryl did her best, but the breath was shallow and shaky. She tried again two more times, and then she felt a little calmer.

“I know that must be so hard, seeing Jason’s stuff get packed up and moved out like that,” Dr. Rhodes said. “Did you talk to your parents about it?”

“I did. They said it’s not my stuff, there wasn’t any reason for me to go through it first,” Cheryl muttered. “But… now his room is going to be just _empty_. Completely. Like… isn’t it too soon for that? It feels too soon. And this jacket… it’s all that I have now.”

“Please don’t take this the wrong way,” Dr. Rhodes said, “but… isn’t it nice to hear that the school wants to honor him like that? You felt as though everyone was forgetting him. It sounds like they want to continue to honor his memory. The jacket won’t be gone.”

“But why should they get it?” Cheryl demanded. “The football team has been so horrible to me since he died, especially the new stupid quarterback who replaced him. They can’t just forget about him and then decide to do some memorial out of nowhere! It’s probably just for publicity.”

Dr. Rhodes let out a breath. “I know it must feel like that, Cheryl, and I’m not telling you that you should be okay with it. Just… do you feel like, no matter what anyone else does, one way or another, you’re going to be upset?”

Cheryl felt tears in her eyes, so she squeezed them shut and let her head drop back against the headrest of her seat.

“You said you talked to Josie this morning?”

“Yeah,” Cheryl whispered. “I told her about how it feels like everyone is forgetting Jason.”

“And? What did she say?”

Cheryl took in a slow breath. “She said she doesn’t know how to talk to me about him.”

“That makes sense. Your grief is unique to you, Cheryl. Everyone grieves differently. Your parents are grieving a son. Josie is grieving a friend. The football team is grieving a teammate. You are grieving your twin brother. It makes sense that you are feeling different things than everyone else, right? It’s hard to understand, but the only way that people can know what you need, and how you’re feeling, is to open up.”

Cheryl sniffed. “My mother is mad that I didn’t sign the stupid waiver for you to talk to her. I told her she should just ask me how I’m feeling, but the thing is… she doesn’t care. I’ve told you this before, Dr. Rhodes, and I don’t think you believed me. But Jason… he was the loved child. I was the extra one. My parents are never going to understand me, or care about me, the way they did about Jason. If I were the one gone, they would probably be so much happier. They probably would’ve cleaned out my room the very next day.”

“Cheryl,” Dr. Rhodes said softly. “Are you somewhere safe right now?”

“I’m not—I’m not saying I want to be dead,” Cheryl promised. “I’m in my car. I just ran out on a friend after my mom called me. I’m fine.”

Dr. Rhodes let out a breath. “Can you take a few deep breaths with me?” Cheryl humored her therapist, and they took a few deep breaths together over the phone. When they were finished, Dr. Rhodes suggested, “How about we move your Thursday appointment to after school Monday?”

“Fine,” Cheryl agreed.

“In the meantime… try to take it easy okay? And about the jacket… I don’t blame you for wanting to have some time with that piece of him. Just think about it, okay?” Dr. Rhodes suggested.

“Okay.”

“Do you want to talk about anything else right now?”

Cheryl rolled her eyes. “No.”

“Okay. I’ll see you Monday, okay? If you do need to call me, feel free to. I just think that we should try and wait until our session to talk about this, because I can tell that it’s upsetting you, and the last thing I want is to upset you more than you already are,” Dr. Rhodes said softly.

“Right.”

“So you’ll call me? If you need anything?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. See you Monday, Cheryl.”

“See you Monday.”

Cheryl hung up the phone. As she set it down and looked up, she saw the tattoo shop door opening, and Toni poking her head out. Their gazes met all of the sudden, and Cheryl scoffed—of course Toni would come out and check on her and see her with a tearstained face.

Cheryl wiped at her face in frustration, and Toni slowly approached the car. Cheryl grabbed Jason’s varsity jacket, and shoved it down by her own feet, before reaching over and unlocking the door. Toni hesitantly opened it. “Hey, sorry… I just wanted to make sure you were okay…”

Cheryl sighed. “You can sit,” she said, and Toni got into the car, closing the door as she settled into the seat. “I’m fine. Just… the universe decided that today is just not my day.”

“Hate when that happens,” Toni said sympathetically. “If you want to talk about it…”

“I don’t,” Cheryl whispered, “but thanks. I think I need to just… get out of my head.”

Toni nodded slowly. “I get it. Well, I’m supposed to be here until at least five. I know that’s a while from now, but… I’m happy to help distract you after that. And you can totally hang out here if you want, just if someone comes in needing a tattoo, you’ll probably end up sitting in the waiting room area.”

Cheryl took in a deep breath. “You go back in there and enjoy your lunch. I can meet you at your place a little after five.”

Toni smiled a little. “Okay. You have somewhere to be in the meantime?”

“Yeah, I can go home,” Cheryl said, although the idea was not very appealing at all. But maybe she could sneak straight up to her room and just nap until five.

“Okay. I’ll text you when I’m getting ready to head home.”

“Alright.”

Toni reached out and placed a soft hand over Cheryl’s. “Thanks for lunch.” Cheryl smiled.

“No problem.”

“See you later, Cheryl.” Toni’s voice was so soft, and her smile so sweet, as she got out of the car and headed back into the tattoo shop. Cheryl inhaled deeply, wondering how she managed to meet someone like Toni, before driving home.

* * *

At five thirty, Cheryl pulled up to Toni’s apartment building.

**Cheryl – I’m here.**

She was feeling moderately better, after sleeping some more, having some lunch, and then going for a little drive with her top down, and music blasting. It really was cathartic. But now she was ready to see Toni again, and hopefully not end up a crying mess this time.

She knocked on the apartment door when she got there, and it swung open to reveal Toni, dressed in the same comfortable outfit she’d been wearing earlier, sweatshirt and all. “Hey,” Toni greeted brightly.

“Hi,” Cheryl returned.

“Come on in.” Cheryl walked in, glancing around the space again. “Veronica isn’t here… if you’re wondering. She and Betty went _shopping_.”

“Fun,” Cheryl commented. Toni nodded with a little laugh, closing and locking the door behind Cheryl. “Hey, Toni.” The older girl looked at her curiously. “I’m really sorry about earlier.”

“It’s totally fine, Cheryl, you don’t need to be sorry,” Toni insisted. “I’m sorry for walking out there, I should’ve just let you be.”

“No,” Cheryl argued, “no, I’m… I appreciate that you were checking on me. I just hadn’t really planned to become a stupid crying mess while I was there.”

Toni narrowed her eyes. “First of all, not stupid. Second of all, I’ve never seen you look like a mess.”

“You haven’t seen me that many times,” Cheryl mumbled, getting a smile out of Toni.

“Do you want something to drink?” Toni wondered. “We have the same assortment as yesterday.”

“I guess that means my options are still water and orange juice,” Cheryl said with a light laugh.

“I mean, if you want to drink,” Toni said, “I can drive you home later, and have Veronica pick me up or something. I thought you might want to take the edge off… not that I’m encouraging drinking to solve problems. Just… you’ve had a bad day.”

Cheryl hummed thoughtfully. It was probably against her better judgment, but she found herself realizing that if she drank, she would probably have an excuse of staying here later, too. “Okay,” she agreed. “I’ll take a beer then.”

Toni poured herself some water and got Cheryl a can of beer, and they moved into Toni’s room again. “So,” Toni said, “what kind of distraction are you in the mood for? Movie? Music?”

Cheryl glanced around the room. Her eyes landed on a sketchpad on Toni’s desk, and she wandered over to it, touching her fingers to it softly. “Maybe… you can draw me something you think would look good on me as a tattoo.”

Toni lifted an eyebrow. “I’m starting to not believe that you _don’t_ want a tattoo.”

“I don’t,” Cheryl assured her, “but… I want to see what you think I’d like.”

“Challenge accepted,” Toni agreed, going over to her desk and grabbing both her sketchbook and a container of pencils. “Get comfy, this might take some time.” They settled onto Toni’s bed, and Cheryl propped some pillows up against the wall, leaning there as Toni sat opposite of her, flipping to an empty page in her sketchbook. “When’s your birthday, by the way?”

“August.”

“First half?” Toni asked.

“Yeah, the eleventh.” Toni nodded, and grabbed her phone. “What are you doing?”

“Research,” Toni answered with a chuckle. Cheryl felt anxiety in her chest.

“Um, about what?”

“Don’t worry, I’m not internet stalking you or something,” Toni assured her. That made Cheryl relax a little, but she was still confused as to what Toni might be searching for. “There’s a lot of art in birthdays, you know?”

“Oh really?” Cheryl wondered.

“Mmhmm. But… I don’t know…” Whatever she was talking about, Cheryl wasn’t sure, and she decided to shrug it off. She stretched her legs out a little, her foot touching Toni’s leg a little. “Would you ever get a tattoo with color on it?”

“I would never get a tattoo.”

Toni rolled her eyes. “Okay, theoretically. Like, if you could remove it right after, if you wanted to. Would you go for color, or black and white?”

“Probably no color,” Cheryl answered. “Why?”

“I’m just brainstorming.”

“Okay.”

“Alright, let me try something,” Toni murmured, opening her pencil box and grabbing one of them out. Pencil to paper, she started drawing or writing something, and Cheryl couldn’t see what it was. All she could see was Toni’s face—her knit eyebrows and her intense look of focus. She bit her lip sometimes while she was thinking, and she was just, all-in-all, adorable the entire time she was drawing.

It took her about ten minutes to like her design enough to show Cheryl.

“Forewarning,” she said, “it would be so much cleaner if I had more time to do it.”

Cheryl smiled a little, and Toni flipped it around. There was a shaded outline of a lion’s mane surrounded by sketches of what looked like sunflowers. Inside the mane were three words in a beautiful script. Cheryl read the out loud, “’Strength, balance, peace.’ Why those words? And that design?” Cheryl wondered, although she actually did like it.

Toni chuckled. “I stalked your birthday. You’re a Leo. Lions—plus you seem strong and bold as all hell, so it seemed fitting. Sunflowers… also an August birthday thing. Then these words, those are what the Peridot gemstone—your birthstone—represent.”

“Oh,” Cheryl said, surprised.

“Yeah. I’m not sure this is something you would actually get, but when people want tattoos and don’t know what to go for, I always suggest birthday stuff. You know, because it’s not something that will ever change. And I think having tattooed words, especially ones meant to keep you strong, is really grounding.”

“That makes sense,” Cheryl agreed. “I like it, actually. I mean, I do _not_ want a tattoo, but that is pretty. Can I keep the drawing?”

Toni shrugged, tearing it out of her sketchbook and handing it to Cheryl, who looked at it a little closer. She then placed it on Toni’s nightstand for now. “That was fun, actually,” Toni said with a chuckle. “I’m glad you didn’t hate it, also. That would’ve been embarrassing.”

“You’re a really good artist,” Cheryl told Toni reassuringly.

“Thanks. Glad being an art major is good for something,” Toni teased.

Cheryl smiled. “So, what do you want to do with your degree?”

“I don’t know,” Toni admitted. “I actually almost didn’t go to college. I was going to try just becoming a freelance photographer. But college actually opened my eyes up to the world of art, and so I’m glad I did come. And giving tattoos… I really love it, so I’ll probably do it for a while. But I could always go for like, a design job, or design freelance. Like logos, and websites, and shit. I’m taking a digital design class this semester actually—it’s kind of weird because I’m not super handy with computers, but once I got the hang of the digital art program, it’s actually super cool.”

“That’s cool,” Cheryl said with a soft smile. “So what made you decide to actually go to college?”

Toni sighed, moving to sit next to Cheryl, leaning against the pillows. “My mom really wanted me to go to college.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Yeah.”

Cheryl scooted down a little and rested her head on Toni’s shoulder. “Tell me about her.”

“Huh?” Toni wondered.

“Tell me about your mom?” Cheryl asked, glancing up at Toni. “Only if you want to, I know you said it’s hard to talk about.”

“Oh,” Toni breathed out. “Okay.”

The truth was, Cheryl wanted to hear Toni talk about her mom, because she wanted to see what it was like years after losing someone. She wanted to know how Toni felt after having so much time to grieve. Also, despite knowing that it could be mildly triggering to her, Cheryl wanted to know Toni better. And Toni had been here for her all day. She wanted to be there for Toni, too.

“She was gorgeous,” Toni said. “She had really dark brown hair—same as my natural color. She always said that I looked just like her, but looking back at photos, we only have a few things in common—our hair, our eyes, maybe our nose a little bit. The rest I feel like doesn’t look like her at all. But she was short and petite like me, so that’s something.” Toni laughed a little. “She was a really sweet woman. We were never very well off, but for a while we were doing better than a lot of people in our community, and she would always make sure to bring over food to the neighbors who needed it. One Christmas, we hosted almost everyone on our block for a Christmas Eve meal. She spent like, three days making as much food as she could. My dad was like, pissed, because she spent like her whole paycheck on food, but she just wanted to help people.”

“Wow,” Cheryl whispered.

“Mmhmm. I mean, she wasn’t perfect, although I thought she was as a kid. She struggled with some mental health issues—she was really young when she had me and she wasn’t happy in her marriage. My dad… he was nothing like her. He had a mean streak, and he didn’t ever physically abuse me or her, but he would shout, or throw beer bottles. My mom might have loved him once, but for most of what I can remember, she didn’t.”

“That’s so sad.”

“Yeah. But she stayed with him so that I would have two parents,” Toni said with a laugh, although she didn’t sound amused or happy. She sounded bitter. “But one night, my dad was just so angry about something, and my mom said she needed some air. She went outside and went for a walk. And some drunk idiot in a car didn’t see her crossing the street, because our stupid neighborhood didn’t have any working streetlights, and… well, that was that. Rest in peace Therese Topaz,” Toni said with a sigh. “Sad, right?”

Cheryl nodded silently. After a moment, she said, “That must have been so hard for you. How old were you?”

“Ten,” Toni answered. “It was a full decade ago last summer. Every year on the day, I light some candles and take a bubble bath. And the past few years, I make myself _actually_ cook something for my friends. I don’t know, feels like it honors her memory, since that’s what I remember her doing so often. Cooking for people. But I hate cooking, so.”

Cheryl smiled sadly, although Toni couldn’t see her face. “Does it get easier?” she asked quietly.

Toni took a moment to answer, and Cheryl wondered if she could tell that Cheryl wasn’t just asking out of curiosity. If she could, she didn’t mention it. “Sort of. It gets different. But it’s never _not_ sad.”

“I guess that makes sense,” Cheryl whispered.

“Mm.” Toni started to pull her fingers through Cheryl’s hair calmingly, and Cheryl let her eyes fall closed. Despite taking two naps today, she just felt so tired. “Grief is… super fucking weird.”

“Yeah,” Cheryl whispered, so quiet that she wasn’t even sure if Toni heard her.

* * *

The next thing Cheryl knew, Toni was shaking her awake. “Hey,” Toni said softly. Cheryl’s eyes slowly and sleepily fluttered open. “You hungry?”

“Huh?” Cheryl murmured. “What time is it? Was I asleep?”

“You only slept for about half an hour,” Toni reassured her. “But after talking about my mom, I sort of got in the mood to cook. Well, ah, cook for you, I guess. Even though I hate it, I’ve been told I’m not awful. So I made some pasta—don’t tell Ronnie. I stole all the ingredients from her, because only she buys that shit.”

Cheryl blinked a few times, sitting up slowly on Toni’s bed. “Sorry I fell asleep.”

“No worries,” Toni assured her. “You seemed tired. I didn’t want to wake you unless I had something better to offer.” She winked at that. “Want to come sit at the table? I set it and everything.”

“Wow, so sophisticated,” Cheryl murmured, smiling a little as she started getting off the bed. She grabbed her phone and her beer can—which was still mostly full—and followed Toni into the main area of the apartment. As Toni had said, the table was set with two bowls of pasta and sauce, forks, napkins, and two glasses of water.

“I’m totally not this cheesy, by the way, you were just sleeping, and I was trying to give you a couple extra minutes,” Toni said, embarrassed. Cheryl just smiled at the older girl.

“Sure,” she teased sarcastically.

Toni rolled her eyes, and they both sat down on opposite sides of the table to eat. As Cheryl took a bite of the pasta, she immediately made a small noise of pleasure. “This is so good. It feels like it’s been forever since I ate a home cooked dinner.” To be precise, the last time Cheryl had eaten a home cooked dinner was the day before the football game, two days before Halloween. And even that home cooked dinner was pre-prepared and just baked by her mother—that was how Penelope Blossom always did it.

“Well, I am happy break your streak of no home cooked dinners,” Toni joked. “But yeah same, I usually just eat out. Unless Veronica cooks.”

“It’s really good. Thank you.”

“Of course.”

They ate in a comfortable silence, and Cheryl took a sip of her beer and then frowned. “I don’t think I’m a fan of beer with pasta.”

Toni chuckled. “We have wine, if you want some?”

“Nah, it’s okay. I probably shouldn’t drink alone,” Cheryl decided, going for her water instead.

“Well,” Toni said, “if you wanted… you could crash here tonight? Then we could both have some wine.”

Cheryl blinked, surprised at the offer. “Sleep here?”

Toni blushed. “Yeah, but I mean, you don’t have to. I don’t mind taking you home, really. I just thought… you know what, never mind.”

Cheryl laughed a little, drawing a curious gaze from Toni. “I think I’d like to crash here. Sorry, I just… was caught off guard.”

Toni, still blushing, said, “Okay, but only if you’re sure. And I seriously mean like, you can just crash here. Like, you can take the bed, I’ll sleep on the floor, whatever you’re comfortable with. Just—”

“Toni,” Cheryl interrupted, fighting a grin, “calm down.”

Toni laughed a little. “Let me get us that wine.”

While Toni went over to get the wine, Cheryl grabbed her phone to text her mom.

**Cheryl – I’m at Josie’s, and I’m sleeping over—she needs help with choreo for cheer, and we’re going to be up late. Don’t want to drive back late.**

**Mother – Fine. When I see you tomorrow, I expect to see you returning Jason’s jacket.**

**Cheryl – I don’t have it, but if it turns up, I’ll be sure to let you know.**

“Everything okay?” Toni asked, returning with two full glasses of wine.

“Yeah, just telling my parents… that I won’t be home tonight,” Cheryl admitted.

“Shit, why did I just like, totally forget that you have to like, report your whereabouts to your parents. I’m sorry…”

“It’s fine,” Cheryl insisted, “they don’t really keep track of me unless they’re mad at me anyway. And I told them I’m at my friend Josie’s house, so it’s not an issue.”

“Okay,” Toni said with a nod.

They finished their food while each drinking their glass of wine, and Cheryl told Toni about her own experience cooking and especially baking. Toni made her promise that she would bake some homemade muffins for her at some point, and it was all too easy to make that promise.

When they finished eating, Toni cleaned up their dishes and poured them each another glass of wine, and then they curled up on the couch to watch a movie. Cheryl tried to convince Toni that they should watch a bad movie and shit on it, but apparently that was still crazy to Toni, so instead they watched a comedy they found on Netflix.

At the beginning of the movie, the two of them had been sitting next to each other. By the end of the movie, their legs were tangled together, and Cheryl was leaning her head on Toni’s shoulder, their fingers laced. “Did you like the movie?” Toni wondered quietly.

“Yeah, it was fine,” Cheryl answered, slowly pulling her head off of Toni’s shoulder and meeting the girl’s soft gaze. “You?”

“It had some good moments,” Toni agreed.

Cheryl smiled. “Thank you for tonight, Toni.”

“No problem. I’m happy to help you forget about the rest of the world. Told you that the night we met.”

“I know,” Cheryl said with a smile, before slowly closing the distance between them and touching her lips to Toni’s. Toni kissed her back immediately, and Cheryl leaned into her touch. Toni’s hands found Cheryl’s waist, and somehow guided her so that Cheryl was sitting across Toni’s lap. Toni’s hands slid down to Cheryl’s lower back, her head tilting up to still meet Cheryl’s lips even despite the height difference now.

After a few minutes, Toni was suddenly gripping Cheryl’s thighs, and somehow, she lifted her just enough to rotate them ninety degrees. Cheryl gasped as she fell down into the couch pillows, Toni climbing on top of her and bringing their lips back together. Cheryl hummed contently as Toni kissed her deeply, and her hands slid underneath Toni’s sweatshirt and her tank top, touching the soft skin of her firm abdomen.

Toni parted their lips for a moment to take in a breath, and Cheryl bit down on her lower lip, her eyes locking with Toni’s. “You are so gorgeous,” Toni whispered, “have I told you that?”

Cheryl felt her heart beating so hard as her lips spread into a smile. “Guess that makes two of us,” she whispered back. Toni chuckled, and sealed their lips in another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww yay <3 I think I did a pretty good job of balancing the rough with the sweet in most chapters of this story. There's definitely some darker chapters to come, too, though. But I liked writing this one a lot, so I hope you all enjoyed it!  
> It's also so important to me to make it clear all the work that Cheryl is doing herself and in therapy to get herself to a better place. The one thing I wanted to make sure I didn't accidentally do in this story was make it seem like "wow Toni shows up and fixes Cheryl" because that's obviously not how PTSD or any mental health issues work.
> 
> ALSO! Tattoos! I realize maybe 5-6 tattoos isn't a 'bunch,' but at least 2 of Toni's tattoos are pretty big, so I think that compensates haha. I hope y'all could get the visual for the snake tattoo, I'd try and sketch it but that's really not my forte lmao.
> 
> Anyway! Yeah, I hope you guys liked this one! I have been majorly appreciating all of the comments on the chapters so far, I'm so glad that you all have been enjoying the story! Thank you all so much for reading! Feel free to hit me up on Twitter @ToriWrtsStories, I love to chat with y'all :)
> 
> I hope you guys have a great weekend! See you all in the next update! <3


	6. maybe it was guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First, the morning after Cheryl staying over at Toni's. Then, Cheryl struggles more with the jacket she's hiding, and with sorting out all of her feelings about... everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good afternoon friends! Today has been.... pretty meh so far, because school starts back up tomorrow and I'm trying to enjoy my last day of winter break, but I'm definitely feeling some sad girl vibes. Eh, I figured the thing to do would be to put Fine Line on repeat and update this story hahaha.
> 
> This chapter is shorter than I wish it was, so you can be pretty sure I'll update again either tomorrow or Wednesday. Depends on how busy I am tomorrow with my 2 new classes and getting things all ready for this semester.
> 
> For this chapter, TW: Flashbacks & references to car accident, discussion of survivor's guilt, discussion of PTSD & PTSD symptoms.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy <3

Cheryl woke up on Sunday morning with arms wrapped around her body, underneath an unfamiliar comforter. She blinked her eyes open and it took her a moment to recognize the room she was in as Toni’s.

The previous night, Toni had offered to sleep on the floor, but Cheryl had insisted that she sleep in the bed—they had just been cuddling and making out on the couch anyway. They had fallen asleep on separate sides of the full sized bed, but apparently that had not been the case all night, what with Toni spooning her right now.

It was beyond comfortable, though. Toni’s firm and protective hold on her, and the soft feeling of her breathing behind her. Toni’s arms were bare—she was wearing her tank top and some sweats if Cheryl recalled correctly. Cheryl had borrowed a t-shirt and sweats as well, both of which were slightly small on her, so they fit a bit snugly. It hadn’t been an issue, though.

Cheryl let out a relaxed breath and closed her eyes again, hoping to fall back asleep for a little bit. However, ten minutes later found her still fairly wide awake, so she decided she might as well get up.

Toni didn’t stir at all as Cheryl carefully pulled out of her grasp, nor did she notice when Cheryl slipped into the bathroom to wash her face and scrub at her teeth with her finger and some of Toni’s toothpaste. Cheryl didn’t bother changing into her clothes yet, though, since she wasn’t sure how long she was going to be here, and she didn’t want to be fully dressed and seemingly ready to go when Toni woke up. She didn’t want Toni to think that anything was wrong.

Still, Cheryl was too awake to just lay around in the bed, so she grabbed her phone and silently slipped out into the living room.

What she was not expecting to see, though, was Veronica, sitting at the table eating some oatmeal.

“Shit!” Veronica exclaimed in surprise. “Cheryl?”

“Hi,” Cheryl said, cringing a little at how awkward she sounded. She walked further into the living room.

“Uh—you slept here?” Veronica asked. Then she lifted an eyebrow, and Cheryl understood the implication.

“I just crashed here last night. I drove, but I was drinking, and I didn’t want Toni to have to drive my car and get a ride…” She swallowed thickly. “So, yeah, I just crashed here.”

“Okay,” Veronica said, nodding. “Well, okay. I take it you weren’t about to leave, then?”

“No,” Cheryl assured her. “I’m still wearing Toni’s clothes, and all my stuff is in her room. I just… can’t fall back asleep and I don’t want to wake her up.”

Veronica seemed to relax at that. “I feel that. That girl could sleep for ages. At some point, you probably should just do her a favor and wake her up,” Veronica said with a laugh. “Although, it’s not even nine yet, on a Sunday. Early riser?”

Cheryl shrugged, leaning against the couch. “I guess. Maybe school just has be trained.”

“Makes sense,” Veronica said with a nod. “Oh, by the way, help yourself to anything for breakfast. I have oatmeal in that cabinet across from the fridge. Toni has some cereal somewhere, too. And there’s milk and juice and some fruit in the fridge.”

“Thank you,” Cheryl said with a small smile, before slipping into the kitchen. She decided on eating some of Toni’s cereal, and a moment later, she sat at the table across from Veronica with her bowl. “Um, did you get back here late last night?”

“Yeah, like sometime after one,” Veronica answered. “Betty and I went shopping, and then we went _drinking_. It’s our usual thing.”

“Sounds fun.”

“Would’ve been more fun if I’d had someone to hook up with, though,” Veronica complained. “It’s been way too long.”

“Really?” Cheryl asked, chuckling a little and wondering if Toni’s theory about Veronica and Reggie was wrong.

“Yeah. Mostly my own fault, though. I am super freaking busy this semester. Did Toni tell you I’m a double major? Business and finance. This semester I’m taking all major courses, three for business, and three for finance. Eighteen hours of pure hell. In fact, after this, I’m headed to the library to spend probably the next twenty-four hours doing homework.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t sound fun at all.”

“Nope, but hey, when I graduate, I’ll basically be qualified to start my own finance company.”

“Is that your goal?” Cheryl wondered.

Veronica shrugged. “Not sure yet, actually.”

Suddenly, Toni’s bedroom door swung open, revealing a sleepy and slightly concerned looking Toni. “Cheryl?” she asked.

“Morning, roomie,” Veronica greeted teasingly.

“Veronica,” Toni greeted, stretching her arms over her head as she walked out of the bedroom. “Morning, Cheryl.”

“Good morning,” Cheryl said softly, as Toni went into the kitchen and poured her own bowl of cereal.

Veronica took her last bite of her oatmeal and then stood up, bringing her bowl to the sink and washing it out. “Well, it was nice to see you both this morning. I should probably be going, though. If you don’t see me tonight, T, I’m probably at the library.”

“Noted,” Toni said with a chuckle. “Don’t burn out.”

“Oh, all that’s left is ash.” Veronica shook her head, grabbing her backpack from where it had been resting by the door. “Bye you two.”

“Bye,” Cheryl said, before taking another bite of cereal.

“Sorry about her,” Toni apologized, as soon as Veronica was gone, “I mean like, assuming she said something stupid or embarrassing to you before I came out here.”

“She said that you could sleep for ages and that I probably should wake you up eventually, if you didn’t on your own,” Cheryl informed Toni, smiling a little.

“Yeah, well that’s usually true, but the past few weeks I’ve been up earlier for work than usual and also I have a nine in the morning class on Mondays and Wednesdays. That’s the kind of thing that whips you into shape, you know?” Toni laughed a little, before taking Veronica’s place across from Cheryl. “How’d you sleep?”

“Pretty good,” Cheryl answered with a nod. “Just woke up about twenty minutes ago and couldn’t fall back asleep, and I didn’t want to wake you.”

“You can wake me next time,” Toni told her, getting a small smile from Cheryl at the implication that there would be a next time.

“Hey, I wanted to thank you again for yesterday and last night… I really needed it. Just… all of it,” Cheryl told the pink haired girl.

“Don’t worry about it. I had fun,” Toni promised her.

Suddenly, Cheryl’s phone started ringing. Furrowing her eyebrows, she checked the caller ID and saw that it was Josie. “Um, give me a second.” She answered the call. “Hey, Josie, what’s up?”

“What’s up? What’s _up_ is that you told your parents you were staying with me last night, and my mom got a call from your mom this morning asking about when you were coming home, and I had to convince my mom that you were passed out upstairs in my bed!” Josie exclaimed. “And your mom is expecting you back like, ASAP!”

“Shit, why didn’t she just text me?” Cheryl groaned.

“I don’t know, maybe because you were _lying_? Girl, what? Where are you?”

Cheryl sighed, running a hand through her hair. “I just… I just was drinking last night so I crashed at a friend’s place.”

“You were drinking? Where? There weren’t even any parties last night, right? Also, what friend? I was pretty sure that every time I suggested you try and hang out with some of my friends, you insisted that you didn’t need anymore friends?” Josie demanded.

Cheryl let out a breath. She knew what she needed to do, but Toni was looking at her, panicked. “One sec, Josie.” Cheryl put her phone call on mute for a second and looked at Toni. “Okay, so just completely ignore everything I’m about to say to my best friend, okay? I’m already lying to her, and it’s just not a great time for me to come clean.”

“Hey, no judgment,” Toni insisted, holding her hands in defense.

Cheryl unmuted the call. “Jos?”

“Yes?”

“You remember what I downloaded on my phone last week…”

“What? I don’t—shit, wait. Tinder! Girl, you were on a tinder date? Okay, now I’m mad at you for not telling me, because those can be super unsafe, and you _need_ to tell me whenever you’re on one so I can actually corroborate your story _and_ make sure that you’re okay.”

“You’re right, it was stupid, I’m sorry. I will next time.”

“Thank you. So… was it good?”

“No—I didn’t… we didn’t… look no, it’s just what I said, I was drinking and didn’t want to drive.”

“You are hanging with the wrong dudes on that app, girl! He should’ve bought you a Lyft there and back!”

Cheryl sighed. “Yeah, guess so. Anyway. Sounds like I need to head home because of my horrid mother, so. Thanks for calling, and thanks for convincing your mom.”

“Yeah, sure. We are going to talk about this tinder date more, though, okay?”

“Right, okay. Bye Jos. See you tomorrow.”

Cheryl hung up the phone, sighing. Toni had a raised eyebrow. “Okay, so I only got about half of that, but your friend was sort of shouting, so maybe I heard a little bit of her side…”

“Okay, I lied to her and told her I downloaded tinder on my phone because she kept asking me who I was texting,” Cheryl admitted, groaning and letting her face fall into her hands. “I’m just stupid, okay?”

Toni laughed a little. “You’re not stupid. So… she doesn’t know you like girls?”

Cheryl peeked out from between her fingers, and then let her hands fall to the table. “No. I don’t think she’d care, it’s just… there’s so much other stuff going on that like… it doesn’t seem worth it to like, come out right now.”

“I get it,” Toni assured her. “Coming out is hard, and everyone has their own process.”

“You’re not… I don’t know, mad? That she thinks you’re some sleezy dude I just spent the night with?”

Toni laughed. “No? I don’t give a shit.” Cheryl smiled a little, but part of her wondered what that meant in terms of Toni’s feelings, or if it didn’t mean anything. Cheryl didn’t even know what exactly her own feelings were at this point.

“Okay, cool,” Cheryl said with a laugh. “Well, apparently my mom is freaking out and wants me home. Probably so she can yell at me for this stupid j—uh, stupid shit that she’s mad at me about.”

“Subtle,” Toni teased.

Cheryl groaned. “Please don’t make me explain.”

“No explanation needed. You should probably go get changed.”

“Yeah,” Cheryl murmured awkwardly.

After she was dressed and had neatly folded her borrowed clothes and placed them on Toni’s bed, she grabbed her stuff and went back into the main area, where all the breakfast dishes had been moved to the sink. “So,” Toni said, coming up to Cheryl by the front door, “text me later so I know that your mom hasn’t murdered you over whatever weird shit it is that she’s mad at you about.”

Cheryl smiled a little. “I will. Thank you again, Toni, for last night and—”

“Seriously, no need to thank me,” Toni insisted. “I’ll talk to you later.”

Cheryl nodded, and Toni sealed the goodbye with a soft kiss on her lips.

“Drive safe, Cheryl.”

“Thanks.”

* * *

“Cheryl,” Penelope greeted coldly as soon as Cheryl walked into the house about twenty minutes later. “The football coach called me today, wondering if you could bring Jason’s varsity jacket to school on Monday.”

Cheryl rolled her eyes. “I don’t have it.”

“Well neither do the movers who were here, and it wasn’t in any of the boxes. And I specifically recall leaving it hanging in the closet,” Penelope growled. “Should I check your room first, or your car?”

Cheryl’s gaze narrowed into a glare. Thankfully, Penelope would likely not find the jacket. When she’d gone home the previous day, after seeing Toni at the tattoo shop, she had sneaked the jacket up to her room and shoved it between her mattress and her bedframe. “Check whatever you want, mother. You won’t find Jason’s jacket. Maybe, if you hadn’t gone through all of his stuff, you wouldn’t have lost his favorite jacket.”

Cheryl started to head up to her room, but Penelope stepped in front of her. “If I find out that you’ve been hiding it somewhere, I swear that—”

“What? You’ll ruin my life?” Cheryl demanded. “No need. That already happened when my brother died.”

Cheryl pushed past Penelope, her breathing heavy with anger, and finally made her way to her room. When she got there, she locked her door, and checked under her mattress just to make sure the jacket was still there. She let out a breath, relaxing, when she saw it.

Now, she had to put aside her frustration at her mother, because she had spent the entire past two days _not_ doing homework, and she had a lot to catch up on.

* * *

“I heard coach talking about the memorial they’re installing for Jason,” Josie said to Cheryl on Monday morning after cheer practice, when everyone was changing back into their school clothes. “Apparently, they’re going to put up a quote about appreciating life, and they plan to put that jacket under it. It’ll be over all the trophies in the glass case outside the gym.”

“Mm.” Cheryl clenched her jaw as she shut her locker. “Interesting that they decided not to consult me about any of it.”

“They’re probably worried about triggering you,” Josie said.

Cheryl glared at her best friend. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Uh—nothing? I just mean that they are trying to be careful around you. They don’t want to make it harder for you,” Josie offered, and Cheryl realized quickly that the other girl didn’t mean any harm by her words.

“Ah.”

“So, have you decided about whether you’re going to bring it in? The jacket?”

Cheryl sniffed, hoisting her backpack up over her shoulder. “Why shouldn’t I be able to keep it?”

“I mean, I’m not saying you _should_ or _shouldn’t_. Just… wouldn’t it be nice to see a memorial for him like that? Oh—and I also heard they’re going to put his picture up by it. I think it’ll be really sweet,” Josie admitted.

Cheryl frowned. “I’m still thinking about it. I’m entitled to that at least, right?”

“Definitely, Cher.”

Cheryl spent the rest of the day trying not to think about the memorial or the jacket underneath her mattress. Instead, she texted Toni between all of her classes, learning all about Toni’s college schedule and the classes she was taking this semester. And when the end of the school day finally came, Cheryl drove straight to Dr. Rhodes’ office.

“Good afternoon, Cheryl,” Dr. Rhodes greeted, as she let Cheryl into the small office. Cheryl glanced at her eyes in the mirror, noticing the tiredness in them after the long weekend. “Have a seat.”

Cheryl sat in her usual spot on the couch across from Dr. Rhodes’ chair.

“So. I was hoping you’d want to talk more about what happened on Saturday.”

“There’s not much more to say. I’m still hiding Jason’s jacket from my disgraceful mother. But Josie seems to think that I should actually consider giving it to the school. Apparently, they’re retiring the number, and want to do this whole memorial thing… it seems good, but I don’t see why they need to take the last thing I have of Jason to do it.”

“Do you really feel that it’s the last thing you have of him?”

Cheryl shrugged. “I mean. I still have things he _gave_ me, I guess. I have the first football he ever scored a touchdown with—he stole it after his second game freshman year, and he gave it to me when I became head cheerleader at the start of junior year. He said they only reason he ever scored any goal was because I was cheering him on. But… I can’t put on a football and feel like he’s there with me.”

Dr. Rhodes nodded slowly. “I see. Well, I happen to agree that you should consider giving the jacket back for his memorial, but the reason I feel that way is because of what you said to me a few weeks ago. You wanted the school and the people at school to honor Jason’s memory, you felt as though people were forgetting him. Won’t this memorial make it impossible to forget him?”

“I guess,” Cheryl whispered. Dr. Rhodes hummed thoughtfully and seemed to wait for Cheryl to say something else on the topic. When Cheryl stayed silent, she looked down at her notes and jotted something down.

“I was hoping to discuss something else with you as well.”

“Okay.”

“What you said on Saturday, about your parents and their feelings.”

“When I said that they would rather have lost me than Jason?” Cheryl asked, her voice flat.

“Yes. I was wondering if, after thinking on that a couple days, you still feel that way?”

Cheryl nodded without hesitation. “Yes. It’s hard to explain to anyone… because parents are supposed to love their children at least close to equally, right? But my parents didn’t want twins—and they _didn’t_ want a daughter. Jason was the heir to everything my parents owned. I’m sure I was in the will for some chunk of money—enough to keep me from wanting to go after the company—but the business, the houses… all of that would be left to Jason. He was being groomed to take over from the time he knew how say ‘yes sir’ and shake hands. But me? I was just… there. My brother, he loved me. But my parents… they only cared for me because they had to.”

Dr. Rhodes frowned. “That sounds like a hard childhood.”

“Yeah.”

“So… I want to run something by you, and I want to know if you think you might feel this way,” Dr. Rhodes said carefully, “because I’ve heard you say some thing that have pointed this way to me.”

Cheryl lifted an eyebrow. “Okay.”

“You feel that your parents miss Jason more than they would miss you.”

“Yeah, I just said that.”

“Do you feel that your classmates miss Jason more than they would miss you, as well?”

Cheryl felt her chest tighten. “Well, not Josie, but maybe the rest of them, yeah.”

“Cheryl…” Dr. Rhodes took a breath. “Have you ever heard of survivor’s guilt?”

Cheryl shrugged. “Sounds familiar.”

“Survivor’s guilt is when someone feels guilty that someone else died instead of them. This is especially common when the person suffering from this guilt was at a traumatic event that caused the death of the person that they feel guilty about surviving,” Dr. Rhodes explained carefully. “And considering your PTSD from the accident, and your feelings that Jason had stronger ties to your parents and classmates, I am worried that you are experiencing this survivor’s guilt.”

Cheryl swallowed thickly, crossing her arms over her chest. “I already told you, I don’t wish I was dead.”

“It’s not really about _wanting_ to have died instead, although that can be the case sometimes. Trust me, I am glad to hear that you aren’t having any thoughts of hurting yourself. I know thinking about the accident often gives you panic attacks, but I do hope that you know that there’s nothing you could have done differently that night.”

Cheryl felt herself wanting to object suddenly—but that only made her feel sick to her stomach, as she realized that maybe her therapist’s theory was right. “I…” She felt too choked up to say anything.

“You were both on a high from winning the game. Jason had driven that night, so you both got back in his car. The rain had been light all evening, no one knew it was going to get so hard. And no one did anything wrong in the car that night. It was a very unfortunate accident. Nothing either of you could have done would have changed the outcome.”

Cheryl felt tears brimming in her eyes, imaging the car slipping off the road. The ditch. The car swerving and the right side ramming right into the tree. Cheryl passing out. Waking up a few minutes later, Jason completely unconscious. Screaming, crying. Calling 911. Cheryl was soaked, the windshield was shattered. A tree limb was dangerously close to Cheryl’s face. It could have impaled her if the car had moved any further forward.

Cheryl sobbed, curling up into a ball. Maybe the tightness in her chest _was_ guilt.

* * *

**Cheryl – Mondays are the worst.**

**Toni – This is common knowledge, I thought?**

**Cheryl – Yeah. But it really hit me today. I’m exhausted in literally every possible way.**

**Toni – I feel that. Had my early class this morning, spent the day doing homework and going to my second class of the day. After that went straight to work—the guy who canceled on me on Saturday called me asking if he could come by this evening. So I didn’t even get home until like, ten minutes ago.**

**Cheryl – Geez, 9 to 9 is a long day.**

**Toni – Yep, but eh, it’s whatever. At least long days usually go by fast, and then the week goes by faster.**

**Cheryl – I’m not sure I have that same experience. Long days take forever, and then the week takes forever, and then the weekends are gone in a flash.**

**Toni – Yeah, high school somehow does that to you.**

**Toni – Did you want to talk about your bad day?**

**Cheryl – I don’t really want to get into it. It can be summed up to: everyone wants me to do this thing that I don’t feel ready for, and also I feel like shit in general.**

**Toni – Yikes, that does sound rough.**

**Toni – Wish I could do something to distract you right now, but unfortunately, best I can do is invite you to this frat party happening on Friday. Should be just like the one a few weeks back, so I thought you might be interested.**

**Cheryl – Yeah, I can be there.**

**Toni – Only if you want to.**

**Cheryl – I do.**

**Toni – Cool :)**

Cheryl let out a breath, staring at the text message from Toni. She was trying to figure the other girl out, because the more time Cheryl spent with her, the more her feelings for her grew. They started as curiosity and attraction, shifted to something like admiration and interest, and now her feelings were blossoming into adoration and desire. With each kiss she shared with Toni, the more she realized just how safe and warm she felt around Toni—safer and warmer than she’d felt in months.

But Cheryl hadn’t forgotten their first time hanging out, almost three weeks ago, when Toni had said that she’d never gotten into a relationship with anyone. She only dated people for a few months, and she’d never felt the need to put a label on it. And Cheryl didn’t understand why Toni was completely okay with Cheryl hiding her from everyone else in Cheryl’s life. Was Cheryl just another girl that Toni would date for a few months, and then decide that that was it? Cheryl didn’t want that. She didn’t want Toni to leave her alone.

That said, almost three weeks wasn’t all that long, and Cheryl didn’t want to seem overenthusiastic and freak Toni out. She knew she was overthinking it, but she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t have anyone to talk to about Toni, and it was leaving her brain to work things out on its own.

**Cheryl – I think I should probably head to bed. You should too, for that matter.**

**Toni – Yeah, I’m having some food right now and then I’m going to knock out for sure.**

**Toni – Goodnight, Cheryl. I hope that your week gets better :)**

**Cheryl – Thanks :) I’ll see you on Friday.**

**Toni – Can’t wait!**

Cheryl sighed, rolling over onto her side in bed. She chewed on her lower lip for a second, and then let out a resigned breath as she decided to call Josie.

“Hey, girl!” Josie greeted, sounding a bit out of breath. “Hold on, sorry, I was just practicing the choreo for tomorrow.” Cheryl heard Josie let out a puff of air as she presumably collapsed into a chair or something. “What’s up?”

“Not much. Bored, wanted to chat,” Cheryl lied.

“Well, I definitely needed a break anyway. Anything in particular on your mind?”

“Um… do you actually go on Tinder dates?” Cheryl wondered.

“Not really,” Josie admitted. “I’m too busy for dating. It’s fun just to flirt and have some unattached fun.”

“So, you’re really not interested in any relationships?”

“Not right now, no. I don’t know, I’ve just been dedicating myself to cheer and music and dance for years. It feels like… you know, this is the home stretch of high school, so why start dating someone now?” Josie asked. “Why? Are you hung up on the guy you met up with on Saturday?”

Cheryl bit down on her lower lip. “What if someone seems interested in you, and you really like them, but they’ve dated a lot of people and never actually got into an exclusive relationship?”

“Well, I guess it would be important to establish what both people want. If you _want_ a relationship, and the other person doesn’t, you’d want to make that known from the get-go. You know, before someone gets too committed and then gets hurt,” Josie suggested. Cheryl sighed, knowing that Josie was right. She just couldn’t imagine asking Toni that question—she didn’t want to chance ruining anything with her.

“Right,” Cheryl murmured.

“Do you want to give me some more specifics?” Josie wondered.

“Not really.”

Josie laughed at that. “Okay, fair enough.”

“How’s your day been? Better than mine, I hope,” Cheryl muttered.

“Good. I talked to my dad on the phone earlier, though,” Josie admitted. “I mentioned all the choreographing for cheer that I’ve been doing, and apparently he didn’t realize that I’m acting head cheerleader. He blew up about how I need to be focusing on my solo dance and music career if I want to make it in college—but it’s like, I submitted all my college apps before this position. Colleges aren’t even going to be paying attention to it, you know?”

Cheryl frowned. “Yeah, and if they are, I think they would realize how badass you are for picking it up and working so hard to get the team ready for competition.”

“Right! He just doesn’t get it,” Josie groaned. “He always put so much fucking pressure on me.” Cheryl frowned—Josie didn’t get truly angry very often, but when she did, it was always because of her dad.

“I’m sorry, Jos.”

“It’s fine. But you know, it made me remember something I was thinking about doing last fall, after my birthday,” Josie said.

“What’s that?”

“Getting a fucking tattoo,” Josie exclaimed. “He always said that tattoos were stupid and irresponsible, but I’ve always thought they were a beautiful way to remember something important to you. You know? And I thought it would be super cute to get something music or cheer related. I don’t know, maybe some music notes or something.”

“Really?” Cheryl asked. “You know tattoos are like, forever, right?”

“Yeah, I know, but I know I won’t get tired of it,” Josie insisted. “And I’m just so tired of my dad trying to control my life. I’m eighteen, I can do what I want, you know?”

Cheryl nodded. “Yeah, I mean, you’re not wrong.” She took a breath. “Well, if you want to do that, I’ll support you.”

“Thanks, Cher. I haven’t fully decided yet. But I _do_ want it,” Josie insisted. “Anyway, yeah. Other than my dad calling me, it’s been a good day. Mom and I had dinner together before I started practicing. Now I’m ready for a hot bath and some sleep.”

“Same,” Cheryl agreed with a sigh. “Well, okay, I’ll let you go then.”

“Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow morning, girl. Love you.”

“Love you, too, Jos,” Cheryl returned, smiling. She hung up the call and rolled onto her back, staring at the ceiling. She thought about what Josie said about Cheryl needing to establish what she and Toni wanted before one of them got hurt. Cheryl reopened her texts with Toni, reading over them and trying to imagine how it would feel to lose Toni already, only a few weeks into knowing her. Her heart clenched, and she bit down on her lower lip, forcing her eyes shut.

Yeah, she needed to establish this soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I said I put Fine Line on repeat, I feel like it's important to clarify that I just mean the song, not the whole album (although the rest of it slaps as well). Fine Line has become one of my comfort songs lately, I can't even explain it, but it just makes me feel good.  
> Again, apologies for this chapter being short, and there not being as much Choni. What do you guys think of what Cheryl's worrying about, regarding the status of her and Toni's feelings and the labels and all that? The arc that this is a part of is actually one of my favorite things I've written in a while, I think. I'm excited for you all to get to read more!
> 
> As always, I so so appreciate all of you being here, reading this, and also all of the kudos and comments <3 I also appreciate the tweets and DMs and just all of you being so supportive and great. You guys know how to make a girl smile, really :) Remember that you can follow me on Twitter @ToriWrtsStories as well, if you're interested :)
> 
> Wish me luck on the start of the semester - I'm officially a full time graduate student starting tomorrow, hopefully I'll be kicking ass and taking names, too haha! I'll see you all either tomorrow or Wednesday, or much sooner if you hit me up on Twitter <3 Have a lovely week everyone!


	7. i'm fucked up, too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheryl decides to try and find out more about Toni's thoughts on relationships, and her weekend takes an unfortunate turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good afternoon everyone! I wasn't planning on updating until later in the day, but I ended up switching sections of a class last minute this morning, so instead of my day ending at 2:15, I now have class from 4-5:15, which kinda sucks but also I have a huge gap during the day so I guess I'm not complaining. Especially today, when I have no homework or anything to do, so I can just chill and update this fic for y'all :)
> 
> We're just over halfway through this fic, y'all! So weird, it's 76,000 words and that feels so short to me, because usually my stories are like 20,000 words longer. But I didn't want this to be more for the sake of being longer, because I felt good at the point where I ended it, you know?  
> Anyway, this chapter is sad, but also a little sad happy, if that makes sense. Just a warning haha.
> 
> And speaking of, for this chapter, TW: Mentions of nightmares, overwhelming emotions, grief.
> 
> Enjoy lovelies <3

It was a little warmer that Friday, almost two weeks into February. Cheryl was trying not to get tricked by the nice weather, though, because she knew that it would probably still be pretty cold later that night, so she was going with layers for her party outfit. She pulled on her favorite red crop top, followed by a black denim jacket. She wore tight black pants with long red boots. With her red lipstick and white and red jewelry accents, her look was complete.

She took a Lyft, knowing that she was going to be drinking and that she wouldn’t be able to drive home. That said, she was sort of hoping that Toni would invite her over to stay the night afterwards.

It had been a long week of school, and Cheryl had also managed to convince her mom that she didn’t have Jason’s jacket, after allowing her to look through her car, closet, and under her bed. It left Penelope rather distressed, and since then, the whole house was being torn apart looking for it. Cheryl would feel bad, except she didn’t really care if her mom was stressed out or not.

Cheryl had also continued texting Toni all week—it was normal now, and it would feel weird if she didn’t. She also knew that she needed to bring up Toni’s feelings toward her at some point this weekend and establish whether Toni felt that this was temporary or not. The more Cheryl talked to Toni, even over text, the more she knew that she didn’t want this to just be temporary.

It also didn’t help that Josie and the rest of the school had been talking about Valentine’s Day, which was coming up on Sunday, all week. Saturday night was the Valentine’s Day dance, and although Cheryl was most definitely not going, she couldn’t stop hearing about it all week.

When Cheryl arrived at the frat house that evening, she didn’t immediately see any of Toni’s friend group, so she wandered to the kitchen to pour herself a beer.

As she started using the keg to fill up a solo cup, she suddenly heard, “Yo, Blossom?” She spun around quickly—wondering who was addressing her by her last name here. She had never mentioned her last name to even Toni—it just hadn’t seemed like relevant information at any point, and the last thing she wanted was for Toni to look her up on Instagram and see all the pictures that were up of Cheryl and the redheaded boy who looked strangely like her, but who she had never mentioned.

But the person standing behind her she barely recognized, and she just looked at him in confusion.

“Dude, it’s Joaquin. From detention. Remember? I gave you the address for one of these parties a few weeks ago,” Joaquin said with a wide grin.

“Oh, right,” Cheryl muttered. “Uh, hey.”

“I kept wondering if you ended up going to that party! Guess so if you’re here again. Meanwhile, I got stuck working that night. It’s wild to see you here, though. I never would’ve expected a Blossom to come to a college party—I don’t know, you guys just didn’t seem like the type.”

“Alright, would you keep it down?” Cheryl snapped.

Joaquin lifted an eyebrow. “Bro, chill. I’m not trying to be rude or anything. Just saw you and was surprised.”

“Well, you don’t need to go around announcing that I’m a Blossom, alright?” Cheryl asked. “Or that like… we go to school together.”

Joaquin looked at her funny. “Well, okay.”

Cheryl nodded a little. “Okay. I’m gonna go look for my, ah, friends.”

“Right,” Joaquin said, shaking his head a little, and walking past her to grab a drink. Groaning to herself, Cheryl left the kitchen and started trying to look for Toni or anyone. She ended up venturing upstairs, and sure enough, Toni, Veronica, Sweet Pea, and Fangs were all lounging in the upstairs living area.

“Cheryl!” Veronica exclaimed, noticing her first, and giving Cheryl a sense of déjà vu, “Welcome, welcome!”

“Hey,” Cheryl returned, walking over to the couch and sitting gingerly next to Toni. “How are you guys?”

“Good, tired,” Sweet Pea answered.

“Yeah, I’m exhausted,” Toni agreed with a sigh, leaning into Cheryl slightly and causing Cheryl’s heartrate to jump a little. “One of the ladies I tattooed today wouldn’t shut up the whole time. She literally talked my ears off.”

“Tragic,” Cheryl teased fondly, getting both a smile and an eyeroll from Toni.

Suddenly, someone else was coming into the room, and Cheryl had to stop herself from cursing aloud when she noticed that it was Joaquin.

“Oh hey, guys,” Fangs said suddenly, “this is Joaquin, the guy I was talking about. He knows some of the frat guys and I met him a few weeks ago. He’s pretty chill.”

“Hey, Joaquin,” Veronica greeted, “nice to meet you. I’m Veronica. This is Toni and Cheryl, and that loser is Sweet Pea.”

“Asshole,” Sweet Pea snapped at Veronica, who gave him an overly sweet smile.

Joaquin smiled and nodded, giving Cheryl one quick funny look before saying, “Nice to meet you guys. Fangs said I could chill with you guys.”

“Yeah of course,” Veronica agreed. “We’re still waiting on some friends, but we usually like to play some drinking games, so if that’s your thing, feel free to stay. What’s your major?”

“Actually, I don’t go here,” Joaquin admitted, “I’m in high school, actually. A senior.”

“Oh really?” Sweet Pea asked, side eyeing Fangs.

“What?” Fangs demanded from the other guy. “If Toni can date someone in high school, then I’m allowed to hang with high schoolers, too!”

Cheryl felt her whole face turn red, especially when Joaquin suddenly looked at her with wide eyes. Toni seemed to notice her discomfort, and she flashed a glare at Fangs. “Dude, shut up.”

“Sorry,” Fangs apologized quickly. “Anyway yeah.”

Cheryl stayed quiet for most of the time while they waited for more friends to join them, and Toni definitely noticed, but she didn’t inquire about why. When Betty, Storm, and Peaches arrived, and they were just missing their resident frat boys, someone suggested that they play some King’s Cup. Cheryl sat out, instead choosing to watch, since she didn’t have much experience with the game, and she wasn’t really feeling much like partying anymore.

After a while, Cheryl excused herself to the restroom down the hall. When she slipped out of it afterward, she found herself face to face with Joaquin. “Hey,” he said quietly, “so—I’m really sorry. I mean, I know I didn’t really do anything, but I get it.”

“Get what?” Cheryl asked, equally quietly.

Joaquin scratched the back of his head. “I mean, I like dudes, but not many people at school know. So I get that if you like chicks, you’d want to come hang with college kids and like, not tell anyone back home. So if you were worried about me spilling about it or something, you don’t need to. I’m not invested in school drama anyway.”

Cheryl swallowed thickly. “Thank you.”

“Yeah, no problem. Um… anyway, I’ll just pretend to use the bathroom, so they don’t think we were talking or anything,” Joaquin said with a quick nod. Cheryl stepped aside to let him in and let out a relieved breath.

When she rejoined the group, they were switching to Never Have I Ever, so she agreed to play. During the game, she had to admit to kissing a girl—though no one was surprised, of course—as well as getting into a fight, getting sent to the principal’s office in high school, and once again that she’d been black out drunk. This time, unlike the last time, people noticed when she drank. Toni definitely seemed interested in the black out drunk story, but Cheryl just mumbled some lie about a wild party, and they moved on.

At some point, Toni went to the bathroom, and Fangs and Joaquin went for drink refills, and Cheryl was left sitting next to Veronica as they took a break from the game. Cheryl got lost in her thoughts, thinking about how she was going to inquire to Toni about her feelings, and she definitely wasn’t planning on saying anything to Toni’s roommate until Veronica asked, “You doing okay tonight? You seem kind of down.”

“Oh, it’s just been a long week,” Cheryl said.

“Hey, I hear ya.”

After a pause, Cheryl decided to do something that was probably dumb. “Veronica?”

“Yep?” Veronica wondered.

Cheryl bit on the inside of her lip for a second. “Um, so Toni told me about how she’s never really had a boyfriend or a girlfriend… she’s just dated people without labels.”

“Yeah,” Veronica answered slowly, causing Cheryl’s stomach to twist inside of her.

“Do you… do you know if it’s because she just doesn’t want a relationship, or… if there’s some other reason?”

Veronica sighed. “I’m not sure, girl. Not really my place to answer anyway, that’s something you should just ask her about.”

“Right, yeah,” Cheryl murmured, looking down at her almost empty beer cup.

“I don’t really know what exactly is going on with you two,” Veronica said, “but… you know, just be careful.”

“Careful?” Cheryl wondered, confused about what Veronica was warning her about in regard to Toni.

“Yeah,” Veronica answered sternly, “I don’t want my best friend to get fucked over because you wanted to get really serious, only to go off to college in some other state or something.”

Cheryl felt sick for a second as she realized that Veronica wasn’t warning her about Toni, but rather warning her not to hurt Toni. “Um, that’s not… I don’t think…” Cheryl swallowed thickly, feeling a different sort of panic in her chest all of the sudden. “You’re right, I should just talk to Toni about this.”

“Yeah,” Veronica agreed, sounding a little apologetic.

“I’m gonna get some air,” Cheryl said, pulling herself to her feet and quickly leaving the room, heading downstairs and outside. In the back yard, the air was filled with smoke, and after coughing for a moment at the smell, Cheryl remembered the ladder on the wall, and made her way to it, tossing her cup in a trashcan first.

She climbed up to the roof in her heels very carefully. When she got there, she settled against the side of the roof and sucked in a deep breath. She felt stupid for asking Veronica about Toni, and she felt bad that Veronica was worried that she was going to hurt Toni by going off to college, when Cheryl hadn’t even though that far ahead. All she knew was that she needed Toni right _now_ , and she didn’t want to lose her.

The cool breeze of the night relaxed Cheryl a little, despite it making her shiver even though her jacket. She hugged her knees close to her chest, enjoying the peace for nearly ten minutes without interruption.

After those ten minutes, though, she heard noise on the ladder, and she turned her head to see Toni poking her head up. “Hey,” Toni said, frowning as she finished climbing onto the roof. “I was looking everywhere for you. You didn’t answer my text.”

Cheryl’s phone was in her back pocket—she hadn’t even noticed it buzzing. “Oh. Sorry.”

“Hey, are you okay?” Toni asked. “I asked Veronica where you went, and she just sort of shrugged me off.”

“Yeah, I think I might’ve made her mad,” Cheryl mumbled.

“What happened?”

“Nothing, it’s stupid.”

Toni frowned, reaching out her hand and lacing her fingers with Cheryl’s in the redhead’s lap. “I’m sure it’s not stupid. What happened?”

Cheryl swallowed thickly, looking down at their hands. “I asked her something about you.”

“Me?” Toni squeezed Cheryl’s hand a little. “What about me?”

“Just…” Cheryl took in a shaky breath. Her heart was pounding, and it seemed to be yelling at her not to tell Toni. To not risk messing up what they had. “I’m just being stupid, it’s not important.”

“Cheryl,” Toni said firmly, “you’re not being stupid, no matter what it is. Come on, best person to ask about me is me, right? What’s going on?”

Cheryl looked up at Toni, her expression so gentle and patient. “I was just thinking about how you said that… you’ve never felt the need to label your relationships with people. And how you’ve only just dated people for a few months.”

“Yeah…”

“I just… I guess I just wanted to know if that’s what this is, too? Just us dating like this, unlabeled, for a few months, and then… that’s it?”

Toni sighed. “Cheryl, it’s not like I only date people for a few months on purpose. That’s just… how it’s always been. I don’t know, people get bored of me or I get bored of them, or something. Or it just doesn’t work out.”

“But a few months is a long time to date someone without labelling it,” Cheryl told her.

“Maybe,” Toni agreed, “but if the relationship was good enough, eventually I would’ve gotten there. You know? Like, the fact that it ended up ending was proof that it didn’t need to be labeled, right?”

Cheryl frowned. “I’m pretty sure that’s confirmation bias.”

“What?” Toni wondered.

“Confirmation bias. You know, you don’t think the relationship is going to go anywhere, for some reason, and then when it ends, you assume that you were just right about it. And you don’t think about what might have been the actual reason that it ended,” Cheryl explained.

“Which you’re implying is what?” Toni asked carefully. Cheryl bit down on her lip, looking away from Toni and out at the view of the campus. “Cheryl?”

“I don’t know. Maybe because you don’t want to label it, and that makes the other person feel like you don’t want them,” Cheryl suggested.

“Trust me, that’s not the issue,” Toni insisted. “Everyone I’ve dated _knew_ that I wanted them. Okay, you should know that I’m not shy about that.”

Cheryl sighed—she knew that, but that wasn’t what she meant, and she didn’t want to make Toni mad by clarifying. “Yeah,” Cheryl agreed quietly.

“What’s got you upset about this?” Toni wondered. “You got uncomfortable just from Fangs saying that we were dating, so I don’t really get it.”

For a split second, her better judgment told Cheryl to just stay quiet about the real reason that she was uncomfortable when Fangs said that. But maybe it was how safe she felt with Toni, or how tired she was from everything this week, that made her just bluntly answer, “Joaquin goes to my school.”

“Oh—shit,” Toni said. “Shit, and you’re not out to anyone at your school.”

“Yeah,” Cheryl whispered. “But we talked outside the bathroom. He said he won’t tell anyone. I think I believe him.”

“Well, that’s good.”

Cheryl sighed. “I’m really not trying to be a hypocrite.”

“I know,” Toni said quietly.

“I just… am trying to figure out how you feel about me,” Cheryl admitted, so soft that it may as well have been a whisper of the cold wind blowing by them.

Somehow, though, Toni heard it. Toni squeezed Cheryl’s hand, and leaned her head on Cheryl’s shoulder. “Oh, well you should’ve just asked me that,” Toni teased. “I really like you, Cheryl. I thought it was obvious.”

“I mean, I know that,” Cheryl murmured. “Just…”

Toni sighed. “Hey, not labeling what’s going on between us doesn’t mean that I don’t like you. It’s just… I don’t know, maybe I’m scared or something. I’m not perfect, you know? I’m actually pretty fucked up, but I try to put on a good show.”

“What are you scared of?” Cheryl whispered.

Toni let out a long breath, before saying quietly, “I don’t know.”

* * *

Toni didn’t end up inviting Cheryl over that night, mostly because Cheryl made her exit soon after they climbed off of the roof, claiming to be too exhausted to stay up any later. It was mostly true, and she passed out as soon as she got home.

On Saturday morning, Cheryl felt lower than she had in a while. She had woken up multiple times in the night from terrible dreams about the accident, and one time from a dream where Chuck Clayton and the whole football team was mocking her about being a lesbian. It had not been a nice night of sleep by any means. As soon as it was an acceptable time to stop trying to fall back asleep—six in the morning—Cheryl dragged herself up out of bed and tried to put herself to work.

She cleaned her whole room before making herself eggs and bacon for breakfast. Then she found herself wandering into Jason’s bedroom, which was bare aside from the furniture, including a bare mattress sitting on his old bedframe. Before she knew it, she was breaking down into tears as she fell onto the blank mattress, sobbing and pleading for Jason to just please come back.

She ended up sleeping there for a while, and when she awoke again, it was ten in the morning. She had a text from Josie inviting her to come over and search up tattoo artists in the area, but Cheryl couldn’t bear the thought of entertaining any sort of conversations today. She responded to the text saying that she wasn’t feeling good today and wasn’t feeling up to doing much.

Toni texted her too, apologizing for the drama the night before and wishing her a good day—and noting that she was going to be headed home around seven in the evening, if Cheryl wanted to call her. It was the first time either of them had offered to call one another. It felt like a step up from texting, but also a step back from just meeting up, so Cheryl didn’t know how to feel about it.

So she didn’t bother texting Toni back, instead she holed herself up in her bedroom and worked on homework for the majority of the day. She skipped lunch, and she didn’t realize until she finished her all of her homework at nearly five in the evening that she had done so. She finally ventured back downstairs and made herself a measly meal of a sandwich and some carrot sticks, and then hid back in her room to finish it.

It was six in the evening when she got a follow up text from Toni, checking on her.

**Toni – Hey. You didn’t respond to my text this morning, so I’m just checking in… making sure you’re okay.**

Cheryl stared at the text, feeling emptier than she had in a few weeks. She couldn’t stop thinking about the grueling week she’d had, the jacket stuffed under her mattress, her want for more between her and Toni and Toni’s unspoken fears about it, the newly identified feeling of guilt in Cheryl’s chest. She squeezed her eyes shut, tears leaking out of them. It was all too much—she was feeling all too much. This is what Dr. Rhodes had talked about—her brain had cut off her emotions to stop her feeling like this, and now her feelings were back, and they were all too much.

“Fuck,” she breathed out, wiping at her face.

She sat there for a good ten minutes, trying to decide if she should wallow the rest of the night, or go to the one person who might be able to make her feel better, and who probably wouldn’t even ask questions.

At six-thirty, she was dressed in leggings, a tank top, and a sweat shirt, and some lace up boots, and had managed to make it look a little less like she’d been crying and deprived of adequate sleep. Then she grabbed her keys and her phone and headed for her car.

When she pulled up at Tattoo You, she couldn’t decide if she wanted to even go in after all. It was close to seven, which was when Toni was supposed to leave.

So she didn’t bother getting out. At seven, the door to the tattoo shop swung open, and Toni walked out of the building. Her eyes were trained on her phone as she started to walk in the direction of her apartment. But her phone wasn’t enough to keep her from noticing the old, red Chevy Impala parked in front of the building.

Toni came up to the passenger door with a look of concern on her face, and Cheryl reached over to open it for her.

“Cheryl?” Toni asked. “You didn’t text me back.”

“Let me take you home?” Cheryl offered, and Toni nodded, sliding into the seat and closing the door, before buckling her seatbelt.

“Are you okay?”

“No,” Cheryl muttered, pulling out of the parking spot, hoping that driving would be a good distraction. “No, I’m having the worst fucking day. I don’t… I don’t even know why I decided to come here, but… I may as well make myself useful since I did drive all this way.”

“Cheryl… what happened?”

“Nothing,” Cheryl answered, “that’s the fucked up part. Nothing happened, I’m just this huge fucking mess.” Toni frowned, and said nothing. Cheryl drove the very short drive to Toni’s apartment, and parked in the lot. Taking a shaky breath, she said, “I should probably just go home. I don’t know what I’m doing here.”

“Wait, no,” Toni argued. “No, you drove all the way here, and you’re clearly not okay. I’m not letting you drive home right now.” Cheryl turned and looked at Toni’s concerned face. She felt a pit in her stomach as she realized that she was the whole reason that Toni looked so worried. “Hey… I have an idea.”

Toni opened the door and hopped out suddenly, but she didn’t start toward her building, rather she moved between some of the cars in the parking lot. A minute later, she returned and stood in front of Cheryl’s car, holding a motorcycle helmet and a bike helmet in her hands.

Cheryl opened her car door, raising her eyebrows at the pink haired girl. “Your idea is riding on your motorcycle?”

“It always makes me feel better,” Toni justified. “It’s like riding with the top down in your car, but even more freeing. Trust me, a bad thought can’t even stay in your head when you’re on it. And I’m a super safe driver, I’ll even keep us on less busy roads.”

Cheryl bit down on the inside of her lip nervously.

“What do you say, babe?” Toni asked softly, making Cheryl’s heart skip a beat.

Before she knew it, Cheryl was climbing onto the back of Toni’s motorcycle, the bike helmet strapped on her head. Toni was already settled in front of her. “Make sure you hold on to me, okay?”

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to be a problem,” Cheryl muttered nervously, already holding on to Toni for dear life.

“Don’t worry. I won’t let anything happen to you,” Toni promised, before pulling her helmet over her head and starting her bike. Cheryl heard herself squeal in fear, squeezing Toni tightly. She heard Toni’s melodious laugh even through the sound of the engine. “Okay, but maybe don’t try and break my ribs, okay?”

Cheryl did her best to loosen her grip, but maintained a firm hold on Toni as the girl drove the loud motorcycle out of its parking spot.

As the motorcycle slowly made its way to the exit of the lot, Cheryl felt like the thing was going to fall right over. She was breathing deeply, trying to keep some thoughts at bay that she hadn’t expected to surface from riding on a motorcycle. Thoughts of a car slipping out of control.

This was entirely different, she told herself. There was no rain, no trees. They were at the edge of the city; the only trees were in parks or on campus. There was also no windows—no glass. No walls, that made it a little scarier, but it made it a lot different.

Somehow, she managed to logic herself through her anxiety, and as Toni pulled the motorcycle onto the street and picked up speed, Cheryl squealed as the wind whipped through her hair. “Holy shit,” she breathed out, her words getting lost in the wind.

Toni drove them away from campus and the city, but Cheryl didn’t even care that they were driving closer to her own stomping ground. No, all she knew in this moment was the smell of Toni’s lavender shampoo, the wind blowing through her hair, the utter freedom that she felt from her own self, as she let Toni and the motorcycle take absolute control.

They pulled to a stop at a stop light, and Toni asked, over the sound of the engine, “You doing okay?”

“Yes,” Cheryl breathed out, burying her face into the warmth of Toni’s soft hair, coming out loose from under her helmet. She inhaled deeply, feeling calm envelope her.

At some point, they turned back around, and ended up back at Toni’s apartment building. Cheryl felt strange as she planted her feet back on the ground, passing the helmet back to Toni, who locked both up in a bag locked to her bike. “Will you come up?”

So Cheryl followed Toni up to her apartment, where Veronica thankfully was not, and then into her room, where Cheryl collapsed unceremoniously onto Toni’s bed.

“I’ll just be a minute,” Toni said, gesturing to the bathroom. The door shut, and Cheryl sat up a little, looking around Toni’s room a bit more carefully than the last few times she was here. She noticed a group of pictures of a little girl, with caramel colored skin and dark hair, and took in a little breath as she realized it was little Toni.

There were pictures of young Toni learning to ride a bike, a man helping balance it behind her. A picture of her trying to help her dad fix up a car. One where she was in a small kitchen, covered almost head to toe in flour, and laughing with the biggest smile. Cheryl’s eyes finally landed on one picture, though, with a face not pictured in any other photo—a woman, with the same eyes as Toni, the same nose, and dark, curly hair. Her cheek was squished up against little Toni’s, both of them wearing the biggest smile ever. Cheryl’s heart ached as she imagined that little girl losing a mother who clearly loved her so dearly.

“She was pretty, right?” Cheryl didn’t hear the bathroom door open, lost in her thoughts as she studied the picture. When Toni suddenly spoke, she gasped a little and turned to look at her.

“Sorry,” Cheryl apologized, “I was just…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Toni said softly. “That’s like, the only picture I have of her. She loved to take pictures.” Toni moved to sit next to Cheryl, looking at the photos on the wall. She reached out and touched a few of them. “Guess you can tell what inspired me to start taking pictures?”

Cheryl rested her hand atop Toni’s lightly. “These pictures are… so sweet.”

“Yeah. She wanted to capture every moment of my life,” Toni said, “probably so I couldn’t complain as a teenager about anything—she’d be able to be like, ‘look how happy you were, don’t tell me I didn’t raise you well.’” Toni laughed at that. “But my dad never bothered to pick up a camera. So there’s just this one. She took it—pre selfie mode days.”

“She really was beautiful, Toni,” Cheryl said softly, “and it’s so obvious how much she loved you.”

“Yeah,” Toni agreed with a sad smile. “But maybe if she’d loved me a little less, she would’ve left my dad. And then maybe I’d still have her.”

Cheryl frowned, and something hit her all of the sudden. “You are scared.”

Toni looked at Cheryl with confusion. “Huh?”

“You said maybe you’re scared,” Cheryl whispered, “and you are. You’re scared that the same thing will happen to you.”

“I don’t… understand, Cheryl,” Toni said slowly.

“Your mother made a commitment that she ultimately didn’t want to stay in, but she did anyway. And I think you’re scared of making a commitment like that to somebody. You’re scared that you’ll want to leave, but something will keep you there,” Cheryl said softly. “You’re scared of becoming your mother.”

Toni pulled away from Cheryl a little, making the younger girl’s heart ache. “Yeah, I don’t think that’s it,” Toni muttered, leaning back.

“Toni,” Cheryl whispered. “What else are you scared of, then?”

“Maybe I’m scared that someone will commit to me, and then I’ll let _them_ down,” Toni snapped suddenly—the first time Cheryl had ever really heard her sound angry, “and then maybe I become my fucking father.”

Cheryl reached for Toni’s hand again, interlacing their fingers despite some slight resistance from Toni. “Toni. You could never become your father.”

“How do you know?” Toni demanded. “You’ve known me for what? Three weeks? How do you know who I’m going to end up like?”

“Because,” Cheryl whispered, “your heart is… way too kind and loving to end up that way.”

“You don’t know that.”

Cheryl scooted a little closer to Toni, who seemed to slink back slightly. “I know that I have been the most emotionally high maintenance girl you could’ve decided to bring to the roof at that party three weeks ago. And I don’t know why you kept wanting to see me, when all I’ve done is ask you to distract me from shit that I haven’t even told you about. You see my crying in my car, and you don’t care if I tell you why. I ignore your texts all day and worry you, and then I just turn up out of nowhere, and you didn’t care why. You just wanted me to be okay, and you took me out on your terrifying, but amazing, motorcycle to cheer me up. You don’t care who I’m out to or not, you just… you always know what to say or do and you make me feel like maybe my whole life isn’t actually falling apart, like _maybe_ things might be okay someday.”

Toni was looking at Cheryl with huge eyes that looked teary, but were also filled with something like awe, and Cheryl didn’t know what she said to deserve that look from her.

“And I think you’re amazing,” Cheryl whispered, “and if anything, it seems like you are a lot more like your mom than your dad. From what you’ve told me about them.”

Toni sniffed, and suddenly she was scooting closer to Cheryl, leaning into her, and Cheryl instinctively wrapped her arms around the older girl. “My dad ruined my life. Or, you know, that’s what I thought. Turns out that I’m like, not terrible now, so I guess he didn’t ruin _me_. But… I went through some _shit_ in high school, and for a while… I was so angry and hard and cold. Then one day, I realized that I was becoming him, when he was the reason that I lost my mom. I couldn’t do that. I tried to be better, but… I’m still so scared that I’m going to fuck up and end up like him.”

“You could never,” Cheryl whispered. “I don’t believe you would ever let yourself become that person.”

“Sometimes we can’t control it, though.”

“You tried to be better, you said,” Cheryl pointed out. “And clearly… you are better. Sounds like you’re controlling it.” Toni sighed, turning and burying her face into Cheryl’s neck. Cheryl felt her heart clench as she felt tears against her skin. “I’ve got you,” she whispered.

They sat like that for a while, Toni curled into Cheryl, and Cheryl’s arms wrapped around her, her fingers dancing lightly on Toni’s shoulder and playing with her hair a little. After some amount of time, Toni sniffed and whispered, “Fuck, you were upset, and I was supposed to be making you feel better, how the hell did we get here?”

Cheryl laughed a little. “I feel better.”

“Liar. How can you feel better when I’ve been crying all over you?”

“I don’t mind,” Cheryl whispered.

“I guess I did tell you I’m fucked up.”

Cheryl smiled sadly, holding Toni a little tighter. “I’m fucked up, too.”

“Cool. Glad we cleared that up.” Cheryl laughed a little at that, and Toni chuckled too, sniffing again.

* * *

They decided to put on a movie, but on Toni’s laptop, not wanting to risk running into Veronica tonight. They were both emotionally and physically exhausted and cuddling up in Toni’s bed with some stupid movie playing seemed like exactly what they needed. Toni even agreed to play a horribly rated movie, just so they could talk shit about it, and Cheryl laughed more than she had all week as Toni perfectly called out every stupid thing that happened.

When the movie ended, Toni reached over and shut her laptop before looking at Cheryl with soft eyes. “Do you need to go home?”

“No,” Cheryl insisted.

“Do you need to text your parents, then?”

Cheryl wanted to say no, she didn’t give a fuck, but she knew that she should. “Yeah, I guess so.”

Cheryl found her phone on the floor—she wasn’t sure when it had gotten there—and she texted Josie first.

**Cheryl – Got a V-Day date. Telling my mom that I’m at your place tonight. I’ll text you first thing in the morning.**

**Josie – Get it girl! Okay! Love you, stay safe!**

**Cheryl – Love you, too!**

And then she texted her mom.

**Cheryl – I’m at Josie’s tonight.**

There was no response from her mom, so Cheryl just shrugged it off and set her phone on Toni’s nightstand. Toni had gotten out of the bed and put her laptop on her desk, and Cheryl looked over at her. “All good.”

“Cool,” Toni said softly. “You hungry?”

“I could eat.”

“Well, you got lucky last time when I cooked for you. This time, how about we order something?”

“Works for me.”

They ordered pizza and ate it in Toni’s room once it arrived. Cheryl hadn’t felt so relaxed and carefree all week—despite how awful she felt all day, and how upset Toni had gotten earlier. She couldn’t even exactly pinpoint the progress they’d made, but it felt like they’d leapt over some hurdle, and right now, everything felt okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remember that this chapter was a tough one to write emotionally. I hope I did it pretty well, reading it back it makes sense to me still so that's good. I also wanted to make sure that Toni's own grief and trauma and how it affects her was brought up in this story, because she deserves that and I think I wanted to make it clear that she's not perfect and where she's coming from. I hope it all made sense!
> 
> I'm so excited to share the rest of this story with you guys that it's taking all my willpower not to post it all at once haha, but I like to give everyone a chance to read as we go, and since I won't have anything ready to post for a while, I want to at least use this story to be active on Ao3 for a little bit haha. But I have a feeling it won't take long for me to finish posting.
> 
> Thank you all for being here and reading, I am so glad that y'all are enjoying this story - especially that you guys are liking all parts of it! I appreciate all of the comments and kudos and tweets and DMs as well, you guys are the sweetest <3 Feel free to follow me on Twitter @ToriWrtsStories if you feel like it <3 (I keep trying BrittzandTana at first, this is what happens when you change your handle for the first time after 8 years lol).
> 
> I will see you all in the next update <3


	8. must've been a hard decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valentine's Day takes an unexpected turn, and Cheryl makes a big decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goooood evening everyone! Yeah, it's pretty late, but I am still here with an update for you all!  
> This chapter is mostly fun actually, with some seriousness at the end. A little calm before the storm, maybe....... but I'm not spoiling anything! XD  
> You guys have all been giving me the best response to this story, I am so happy so many of you are enjoying it! Remember that you can hit me on Twitter @ToriWrtsStories if you would like, and we can chat about fanfic or anything! I also tweet every time there's an update, so if you're a guest user, that may be helpful for you! :)
> 
> Anyway! For this chapter, TW: therapy, memories, grief
> 
> Enjoy, everyone!

Cheryl woke up to the feeling of lips pressing onto the back of her neck. Her hair was swept all over her shoulder, and an arm was wrapped around her body. She felt another soft kiss on the back of her neck, and she breathed out a happy sigh. At hearing the sound, Toni pulled away a little, to Cheryl’s disappointment, and asked, “You awake?”

“Mmhmm,” Cheryl hummed. “I thought you were a super heavy sleeper.”

“I am, but it’s almost ten. Apparently, you needed a lot of sleep,” Toni teased. “And uh, you kind of tossed and turned a little last night. It woke me up a couple of times.”

Cheryl rolled over, looking at Toni’s face with a frown. “Shit, I’m sorry…”

“No, it’s okay,” Toni assured her. “When I was asleep, it was like, one of the best sleeps of my life, so no complaints here. You’re a very nice little spoon, despite being taller than me.”

Cheryl blushed, biting down on her lower lip. Toni grinned, closing the distance between them with a soft kiss. Cheryl kissed her back sleepily, wrapping her arms around the older girl and pulling them closer. Toni’s lips spread into a smile even as they kissed, and Cheryl felt her heart skip a beat.

When they split apart after a moment, Toni sighed happily. “Um, but we should get up. I have to be at work by eleven.” Cheryl looked between Toni’s eyes for a moment, imagining herself going home and being alone all day.

“Can I come with you?” Cheryl whispered quietly.

Toni lifted her eyebrows a little. “Yeah, sure. Just… if we get any walk ins, you’ll probably have to clear out.”

“Then I’ll get you lunch,” Cheryl offered, smiling a little. “Just… I’m not really mentally prepared to go home right now and… it _is_ Valentine’s Day.”

Toni blinked. “Oh shit, that’s right. Man, I can’t remember the last time I did something special for Valentine’s Day. Shit… um…”

Cheryl laughed a little. “If you’re trying to come up with something special on the fly, trust me, I don’t care. I was just teasing anyway. But I don’t really feel like going home.”

“Well, in that case, you’re welcome to come to work with me. Plus, I’m not going to turn down the chance to have some free lunch.”

Forty-five minutes later found them both dressed—and Cheryl borrowed a little bit of Toni’s makeup to at least make herself look a little less like she just woke up—and with stomachs full of cereal—Toni’s specialty for breakfast, of course. Cheryl also remembered to text Josie that she was safe after her made up Valentine’s Day date. Then they took Cheryl’s car to Tattoo You, since Toni would usually just walk the short distance.

Cheryl lounged in the seat at Toni’s station while Toni sketched a few designs on some paper, and they chatted idly. It was about half an hour after eleven when Cheryl’s phone rang with a call from Josie. “Hold on, it’s Josie,” Cheryl said, picking up the call. “Hey Jos, what’s up?”

“I’m doing it,” Josie said firmly, “I’m about to get in my car, and I’m going to go do it.”

“Um, do what?” Cheryl wondered.

“Get a tattoo. I sketched out what I want it to look like, it’s simple, it’ll be so cute on my hip, it’s all ready to go. I found this awesome tattoo artist when searching for places in the area. _And_ she’s a woman of color, which is perfect, because I am not about to let a white lady tattoo my beautiful skin. No offense.”

“Um, none taken,” Cheryl said, her heart beating faster. There was no way… right? “So, uh, where are you going exactly?”

“It’s at this shop called Tattoo You,” Josie said, causing Cheryl’s heart to drop, “and they do walk-ins! And the girl whose stuff I found is supposed to be working from eleven on Sundays. I’m hoping to go early and not have to wait, because I didn’t schedule an appointment, but I just want it now.”

Cheryl was looking at Toni with wide eyes, and Toni looked very confused. “Oh, isn’t that place near Eastwood U?” Cheryl wondered, and Toni lifted an eyebrow.

“Yep, but it was the closest place I could find with stuff I actually liked,” Josie said.

“Um, do you want me to come with you?” Cheryl asked. “I’m actually still kind of close to the city—uh, just had breakfast after my—you know, anyway, um, I can meet you there if you want?”

“If you wouldn’t mind, I would actually love that. I was kind of worried that it would freak you out too much,” Josie admitted.

“No, of course I’ll go there with you,” Cheryl said, cringing a little at the thought of watching her best friend get tattooed by the girl she was dating. “Um, I’ll probably beat you there, so maybe I can make sure she’s available.”

“Yeah, that’d be awesome! Her name is Toni Topaz,” Josie said, and there it was.

“Cool,” Cheryl choked out, “okay, I’ll meet you there, then.”

“Sounds great. Thank you so much, Cher! Love you!”

“You too, drive safe.”

Cheryl hung up the call and practically whimpered. “Whoa, what’s going on?” Toni asked.

“So, my best friend…” Cheryl took in a breath. “Josie, she had a conversation with her dad last week, and somehow it brought back her desire to get a tattoo, and apparently she found _your_ stuff online and has decided that she is going to come here like _now_ for a tattoo.”

Toni’s mouth opened. “Uh… do you want me to be out sick today or something?”

“No, no, I mean. I’d rather be here when you two meet… I think? But I just… I don’t want her to know yet,” Cheryl said, “I mean, you know, about us.”

“I got it,” Toni said with a chuckle. “Okay so, let me practice my ‘I totally just met this gorgeous girl’ look.” She made a funny face, and Cheryl blushed, laughing a little.

“God, you’re seriously not mad? Just… I hate to put you in this position, but Josie’s got her heart set on this tattoo, and she said she really loved your work and… I mean, I guess if my best friend is going to get permanent ink needled into her skin, might as well be done by someone who I know gives nice tattoos,” Cheryl rambled.

Toni grinned. “Wow, I’m honored to hear that you think I give nice tattoos.”

“Shut up,” Cheryl muttered, although she smiled a little. “Also… I swear, I’m going to tell her eventually.”

“She’ll probably think she’s the reason that we met,” Toni teased, winking at Cheryl, who blushed.

“You better not do any of that winking while she’s here, because I _will_ look _into_ it and then she _will_ figure out that I’m not straight,” Cheryl groaned. Toni laughed brightly, all too amused.

“Noted.”

After about fifteen minutes of waiting and mentally preparing, Cheryl took in a breath and told Toni that she was going to stand by the entrance like she’d just gotten there. Toni tried not to laugh as she nodded, and Cheryl rolled her eyes as she folded her arms over her chest and went over to the entrance of the tattoo shop.

Josie showed up just a couple minutes later, pushing the door open and grinning at Cheryl. “Cher! Oh my god, I’m so glad you’re here. I think I might’ve chickened out if you hadn’t said you’d come with me.”

Cheryl wondered if she should’ve taken that approach, but she realized that it was definitely too late. “Well, I told you that if you wanted to do this, I would support you.”

“You’re the best. And I know you’ve had a lot going on, so I really appreciate you being supportive,” Josie said, and Cheryl’s chest suddenly tightened, her breathing picking up. She hadn’t considered the fact that Josie might say something about Jason while she was here.

“Yeah, about that,” Cheryl said quickly, noticing Toni getting up from her chair to come greet her new customers, “yesterday was really rough so… do you think we could just like, not talk about JJ today? I’m just… not sure I can handle it.”

“No, yeah, of course,” Josie promised. “We’ll keep it light and casual and _excited as hell_ because ya girl is getting a tattoo!”

“Hey,” Toni greeted Josie suddenly, looking somehow so relaxed, her gaze focused on Josie. “You must be the friend. Red, here, said you’re hoping to get a tattoo?” Cheryl’s cheeks warmed when Toni called her “Red.” Thankfully, neither Josie nor Toni noticed, because Josie had turned toward Toni, excitedly nodding.

“Yes. So, I kind of loosely sketched something, but I’m not an artist. And I want it sort of on my abdomen or hip area.” Josie pulled a piece of paper out of her purse and handed it to Toni. Cheryl peeked at the paper and saw that it was a treble clef on a staff, a few notes on it.

“Pretty straight forward,” Toni said with a nod of approval. “Are you thinking you want this exactly, or do you want me to use some creative freedom? I’ve done a lot of music stuff before.”

“Yeah, I saw some on Instagram,” Josie said enthusiastically. “You can totally have creative freedom. It’s just important that the notes stay the same. It’s my favorite trill to sing.”

“Cool,” Toni said with a nod. “Okay, my station is that back corner, you can go ahead and take a seat there. Red, you can pull up a chair. I’m going to go into the back real quick and get this ready.”

“Awesome,” Josie said with a grin, grabbing Cheryl’s hand and starting to pull her toward the station as Toni headed for the back. Cheryl glanced back at Toni, who was smirking a little as she walked into the back. “Oh my god, I’m so excited,” Josie exclaimed. “Do you think it’s going to look good?”

“I think it’s going to be great,” Cheryl assured her, as she grabbed a chair from an empty station and pulled it up next to where Josie had settled in the seat Cheryl had been sitting in just a few minutes before.

Toni came out after a few minutes with a translucent piece of paper, the design moved over to it. “This size okay?” Toni asked Josie, who nodded. Toni crouched down. “Here, let’s establish where about you want it.”

Cheryl watched as Josie and Toni talked, figuring out where to put the tattoo and at what angle, and when it was decided, Toni asked Josie to lay out on the chair, which reclined fully. Cheryl was actually in awe watching Toni work—she was so nice and sounded so passionate as she gave her thoughts on the design and positioning. It was her place, and you could tell.

Toni got everything ready, including verifying a price with Josie, who wasn’t very concerned about whatever it was, and when she was finally ready to start the actual process, she looked at Cheryl and said, “You might want to hold her hand through this, Red. And Josie, just know that, I’m not going to mess up. But if you _move_ , that could make me mess up. And I mean, if that happens, I’ll probably be able to wing a fix without much issue, but part of it turning out perfect is in you trying to be super still, okay?”

“Alright,” Josie said, sounding a little nervous for the first time.

Cheryl scooted her chair closer to her best friend, taking her hand. “You got this, Jos.”

The first part of the tattoo experience was more terrifying for Josie than Cheryl actually, because apparently it hurt a lot more than Josie was expecting. She squeezed Cheryl’s hand so tightly that Cheryl slightly lost sensation in it for a while. About halfway through the tattoo, though, Josie was a little more relaxed, either having built up a slight tolerance to the pain or she was just breathing it through it better, at which point Cheryl started getting kind of freaked out by the permanent image that was appearing on Josie’s skin.

“I can’t believe you decided to do this,” Cheryl murmured under her breath.

Josie looked up at her in alarm. “Why? Does it look bad?”

“No, no, of course not,” Cheryl clarified quickly, “just… I just can’t imagine.”

Toni smiled a little, and Cheryl averted her gaze, afraid that she would blush just by seeing Toni’s smile. “You know,” Toni said, as she focused carefully on her work, “this girl I dated was always _so dead set_ on never getting a tattoo. She was so scared of how permanent it would be.”

“That’s how Cheryl is,” Josie said, and Cheryl hoped that she wasn’t blushing.

“Yeah, I tried to explain to this girl that they’re beautiful, and so hot, and that’s why it’s not so scary how permanent they are,” Toni said, shaking her head a little. She had a smirk on her lips, which Josie of course couldn’t see from the angle, but Cheryl could see it perfectly.

“So?” Josie asked. “Did she ever end up getting a tattoo? Did you prove her right?”

Toni chuckled. “Well, she hasn’t gotten one as of yet.”

“I guess you’ll never know if she decides, then,” Josie said.

“Hmm?” Toni hummed in question.

“You said you _dated_ her.”

“Oh, yeah,” Toni confirmed, nodding a little. “We still keep in touch, though. If she ever does get one, I’ll _so_ have my ‘I told you so’ moment.”

“I bet I’ll have that moment with you some day, Cher,” Josie said, chuckling for a minute before hissing a little in pain. “Shit, that still hurts.”

“Yeah,” Toni said with a frown, “don’t worry. We’re a little more than halfway done.”

“Is the aftercare super painful?”

“It’ll hurt to the touch for a couple days. After that it’ll go through like a peeling stage,” Toni explained. “Then it’ll be super itchy, but you know, don’t scratch it. As long as you follow the aftercare instructions—which I’ll give you after—it shouldn’t get infected, and then it shouldn’t be an issue. Just, you know, no hot tubs or pools for a few weeks.”

“How long have you been doing tattoos for?” Josie wondered.

“A couple years.”

Josie hummed in acknowledgement. “I feel like your work is really impressive for only a couple years of experience.”

Toni smiled proudly. “Thank you.”

“Are you in college?”

“Yep. I’m an art major at Eastwood,” Toni answered, as Cheryl leaned back a little in her chair, watching her best friend interact with the girl she was dating, without even knowing it. She felt a little guilty all of the sudden, not telling Josie the truth. She hoped that her best friend would understand afterward.

“That’s so cool,” Josie said. “Cher and I applied to Eastwood. We’re seniors.”

“Oh yeah?” Toni responded. “That’s cool. You want to go to school for music?”

“Yeah,” Josie said with a nod. “But Eastwood isn’t exactly my top choice—mostly because my dad’s dream for me has always been Julliard. And he’d be willing to cough up the money for it, so if I get in, that’ll be where I end up.”

“Julliard,” Toni said, “wow, that’s impressive.”

“Only if I get in,” Josie said. She squeezed Cheryl’s hand suddenly, apparently feeling the pain all of the sudden.

“What about you, Red?” Toni asked suddenly, making Cheryl’s heart jump. “What are your college dreams?”

Cheryl almost stuttered in trying to respond. “Um, you know…” She looked at Josie, who was giving her a look of concern. “I applied a lot of places. But some, uh, shit has been going down and I… I don’t really know what I want. I feel like I need to wait until I know where I got in, and then evaluate everything holistically.”

“Practical,” Toni said with a nod, the corner of her lips turning up.

“Her dream was Princeton, though,” Josie piped up. “This girl is going to be our valedictorian. Don’t let her beauty fool you.”

Toni lifted her eyebrows a little. “Hey, hey, I know that beauty and brains aren’t mutually exclusive.” Cheryl blushed a little.

“Yeah, well. We’ll see about valedictorian,” Cheryl muttered, thinking about her dropped grades last semester.

“She’s being humble, but she knows that all anyone at our school cares about is sports. Cheryl has valedictorian in the bag. She’ll probably have her pick of schools,” Josie insisted.

“Wow,” Toni said, looking up at Cheryl with interest. Cheryl looked away, feeling like she was being caught in a lie even though she just hadn’t said much about her college plans. “Impressive.”

“That’s my best friend,” Josie said with a grin.

Toni smiled, not saying anything as she focused on Josie’s tattoo. Cheryl felt a little deflated after listening to Josie talk her up, wondering what Toni was thinking.

“So, Toni. Make the case for Eastwood—what made you choose it?” Josie wondered.

Toni hummed. “Well. It was the only place I got into because it was the only place I applied,” she said with a laugh. “But the campus isn’t too small or too big, so you won’t cross paths with the same people all the time, but you won’t get lost either. Classes aren’t so big that professors are unreachable. Lots of resources for tutoring. Every professor I’ve had has been awesome. Plus, it was where my two best friends were going. And I’ve made even more friends there since, and I can’t imagine my life going differently.”

“Aw, that’s awesome,” Josie said with a dreamy sigh. “That’s what excites me the most about college. Finding my place.”

Toni smiled. “Yeah, it’s good for that.” There was less chitchat as Toni finished the fine details of the tattoo, and then when she wiped away the final excess of ink, she pulled away a little to let Cheryl see. “Best friend approval?”

Cheryl leaned forward a little, looking at the staff and the treble clef, and the perfect little music notes. Toni had enhanced the shading in multiple places and given the whole thing an elegant edge—everything looking sharp and methodical. It was actually perfect for Josie. “It’s perfect,” Cheryl said softly.

Josie squealed happily. “Oh my god, yes!”

As Toni got the tattoo all bandaged up and grabbed the aftercare instructions for Josie, Cheryl asked—mostly because she felt obligated to—if Josie wanted to get lunch, but her best friend refused, saying that she had homework she had forgone this morning. So they decided they would go their separate ways, but Cheryl intended to stay at the tattoo shop at least for a little while, and hopefully clear some things up with Toni.

“Oh, Toni,” Josie said, as she was gathering up her things after paying in all cash for the tattoo. “Sorry if this is weird or anything, but you are like, super cool. We should totally hang out sometime. Oh—and in a like, not gay way. Like, total respect to you, but I’m straight as hell.”

Toni laughed at that, glancing at Cheryl for a split second. “Uh, yeah, well, my number is on the Tattoo You website. I’m super swamped with school and work all the time, but yeah maybe.”

“Cool,” Josie said with a smile. “Alright, well, I guess we’ll be going. Thank you so much, Toni. I’ll tag you on Insta when I post my first pic of it!”

“Thanks,” Toni said with a smile. “Good luck with all those college decisions.”

Cheryl and Josie walked out of tattoo shop, and Josie gave her a funny look. “Hey, are you okay? You got kinda quiet there for a while.”

“Yeah, just… the whole Princeton thing,” Cheryl said, shaking her head. “I don’t know, I always wanted to go there with Jason, you know?”

Josie frowned. “Oh, shit… I didn’t realize that that might’ve changed… sorry Cher.”

“No, it’s fine.”

“You know, you can come over if you want, work on homework with me?”

“It’s okay, I finished all mine yesterday,” Cheryl answered. “I’ll probably just head home and relax for a bit. Bubble bath or something.”

“Okay. Well, I’ll see you at practice tomorrow.”

“Yeah, see you.”

Cheryl got into her car, but when she saw Josie drive off, she got right back out and went back inside to the tattoo shop. Toni looked up immediately, smiling as she cleaned up her station. “Hey. I didn’t know if you were coming back.”

“Yeah, I just wanted to, um…” Cheryl swallowed thickly, walking the rest of the way to Toni’s station. “Um… sorry just, that college discussion… I feel like you were surprised. By everything Josie said.”

“You mean that you’re basically valedictorian? I don’t know if I’d say I’m that surprised, honestly.”

“No, I mean… that I wanted to go to Princeton,” Cheryl said.

“Wanted?” Toni asked.

Cheryl sighed. “What I said was the truth. I had big plans, but my life went to shit, and I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I just… I need you to know that. That I don’t know. I might end up going to Princeton, or Eastwood, or who knows.”

Toni tilted her head, and insisted, “Cheryl, I’m not worrying about it. Okay? And it’s not like you lied about anything, so it’s really okay.” Cheryl bit on her lip. “I’m serious, babe.”

Cheryl’s heart skipped another beat as she heard the term of endearment for the second time, and it did what she was sure Toni intended it to accomplish—it calmed her down. She took in a deep breath and nodded. “Okay.”

“Now. I’m going to be here for at least another six hours. I doubt you want to hang around all that time.”

Cheryl was about to say that she would at least bring Toni lunch before she left, but then her phone buzzed, and she grabbed it in frustration. It was a text from her mom.

**Mother – Home. Now.**

“Shit,” Cheryl hissed. “Mother dearest is summoning me in a way that makes me think she’s about to murder me.”

Toni winced. “Well, then I guess you better go? Or maybe I should be calling the witness protection program?”

Cheryl sighed. “Yeah, I’m gonna go. I’ll text you later, okay?”

“Okay.” Cheryl was about to turn away, but then Toni reached out and grabbed her hand. “Hey. I totally rocked meeting your best friend, didn’t I?”

Cheryl smiled, feeling a little calmer as she looked at Toni’s soft eyes. “Yes, you did.”

“Good luck with your mom,” Toni said, before leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss to Cheryl’s lips. Cheryl kissed her back gingerly for a moment, before pulling away from the older girl and starting out to her car.

* * *

As soon as Cheryl walked into her house, she was panicked. Her parents were both sitting in the foyer sitting room, and they looked so angry that Cheryl was half expecting to see Jason’s jacket with them. Even when she didn’t, she didn’t count herself in the clear yet. “Um, what is going on?” Cheryl asked.

“Cheryl. So nice of you to finally grace us with your presence,” Penelope said, although she was missing some of her usual bite.

“I was getting food with Josie.”

Clifford cleared his throat. “So, we spoke with the football coach at the school again, and they said that if they don’t have Jason’s jacket by tomorrow, they’re going to have to put the memorial up without it. He suggested that we could donate something else to display. We couldn’t think of anything, but we thought that you might have an idea. After all, you were with him at school every day.”

Cheryl blinked—she was so not expecting that. “Um… yeah I’m sure… I’m sure that I have something.”

“Your mother and I have exhausted ourselves while looking for this jacket. So, track something down that you can bring with you to school tomorrow instead, alright? Run it by us tonight.”

Cheryl nodded. “Okay, yeah… you guys really don’t have any thoughts on what to donate?”

Penelope sighed. “The coach suggested that we ask you, since you’re on the cheer squad. He said you may have something that could represent Jason.”

“Yeah. I’ll look and let you know,” Cheryl agreed. “I’ll just… go do that now.”

Her parents nodded, and Cheryl looked at their faces for one more second—seeing the circles under their eyes. It looked like her mother had been crying.

As awful as her parents were to her, it was obvious that they were heartbroken over not being able to find the jacket. So much so that they had willingly gone to Cheryl for _help_.

Cheryl made her way upstairs, locking herself in her bedroom and going to her closet. At the top of the closet was a box of keepsakes—inside of which was the first football Jason had ever made a touchdown with. Cheryl was about to reach up to grab it when her heart clenched. She suddenly remembered that game.

Jason opening his arms to the quarterback, jumping up and catching the football. Then him taking off toward the end zone. He was running so fast, and it was obvious that the other team wasn’t going to be able to do shit to help him. Cheryl had gotten so excited that she had broken her cheer formation, and she had just cheered Jason’s name loudly, waving her pom-poms and getting so overjoyed. When he crossed the line into the end zone, she had just about jumped on top of Josie in excitement.

That was before Jason even had his varsity jacket.

She couldn’t give that ball back to the school.

Taking a shaky breath, she turned her back to the closet and walked toward her bed. When she reached the mattress, she lifted it and pulled out the varsity jacket. She took off her sweatshirt and pull the jacket on over her tank top. She took out her phone and turned it to selfie mode, snapping a few pictures of herself in her brother’s jacket. By the fourth and last picture, she was crying.

She curled up in the jacket, laying down on her bed. It barely smelled like him by now, after being in Cheryl’s car and then under her mattress for so long, but if she closed her eyes tight enough, she could still smell his cologne.

* * *

That night, Cheryl told Penelope and Clifford that she was bringing the football to donate for the memorial.

But on Monday morning, she stuffed the varsity jacket into her backpack and left for school before she could see her parents. Before even heading to cheer practice, she forced herself to go straight to the football coach’s office.

“Coach?” Cheryl asked, poking into the office.

“Miss Blossom,” he greeted. “You have the donation for the memorial?”

“Yeah,” Cheryl confirmed, opening her bag and pulling out the varsity jacket.

“Oh, your parents left me a message last night saying that they couldn’t find the jacket, and that you were bringing a football,” the coach said in surprise.

“It turned up this morning,” Cheryl lied. “I thought it would be more appropriate to display the jacket, since we’re retiring his number.”

The coach smiled. “I agree. He was a great player, Jason. I’m glad we can do our part in honoring him this way.”

Cheryl had tears in her eyes as she smiled and nodded. Before she cried in front of the football coach, she gave a quick goodbye and darted out of the room.

She cried for fifteen minutes in a bathroom and turned up twenty minutes late to cheer practice, but Josie could probably tell from her reddened eyes that she shouldn’t question it.

* * *

“That must have been a hard decision.”

Cheryl sighed, avoiding her therapist’s eyes. “Yeah, it was hard. I cried about it on Sunday and today, after I gave it to the coach. But… he deserves to be honored at school. And I couldn’t be the one to mess that up. I’m his sister. I should be getting a say in this stuff, but I shouldn’t be stopping him from being honored the way he deserves.”

Dr. Rhodes smiled at her. “I’m glad you made a decision that you feel good about now. I would think it might feel cathartic. To be done with the weight of that decision.”

“I guess.”

“So, tell me what else has been going on. You said you had a really rough week and weekend, but I don’t suppose it was just because of the jacket?”

Cheryl bit down on her lower lip, knowing that sooner or later, she would need to admit to her therapist that she was seeing someone. Right? She should avoid major omissions in therapy, right?

“So, you know that new group of friends I was talking about?” Cheryl asked.

“Yep, I remember.”

“They… they’re some college kids,” Cheryl admitted. “They go to Eastwood U.”

“Okay.”

“And I’m sort of… dating one of them,” Cheryl murmured.

“Oh,” Dr. Rhodes said in surprise. “Oh. Okay. Forgive my surprise. You just haven’t mentioned anything about this. Have you told him about Jason?”

“H-her,” Cheryl correctly quietly. “Um, no, I haven’t.”

Dr. Rhodes hummed thoughtfully. “Are things with you and this girl serious?” Cheryl was happy to see that Dr. Rhodes didn’t seem to think much about the gender of the person Cheryl was dating; it was a relief for sure.

“I think they could be,” Cheryl answered. “And… when I do tell her… whenever that is, I think she’ll understand. She lost her mom a long time ago, we’ve talked about that. And she knows that there’s something… big and bad that I haven’t told her. She’s been really patient.”

“That’s good to hear,” Dr. Rhodes said with a nod. “You know, if you think listening to her talk about her mom is helping, you might be interested in attending one of our grief support groups… you know, the ones I mentioned before?”

“But… I can’t open up to strangers,” Cheryl argued. “I haven’t even told Toni about Jason. How can I go to a room full of strangers and talk about him?”

“You don’t have to bare your heart and soul to them on your first time going,” Dr. Rhodes insisted. “Sometimes it can help just to listen.”

Cheryl took a breath. “Maybe. We’ll see.”

“Okay. Maybe is better than no.”

Cheryl nodded.

“Now. Do you want to talk about this Toni more, or do you want to try discussing some strategies that you can maybe help with your panic and dreams?”

“I definitely need the second one more.”

Dr. Rhodes smiled and Cheryl actually returned it, sitting up a little straighter as they dove into the topic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I debated on that whole scene with Josie and Toni meeting without Josie knowing who Toni was, and I ended up deciding to include it because I thought it was fun, and an interesting way for Toni to accidentally get to know Cheryl a little better. Of course, it does complicate the whole situation with Cheryl needing to tell Josie, but I guess we've been able to tell that Cheryl isn't making all her best decisions lately, hm?  
> On a different note, those of you who have read my other stories, namely the canon-esque high school fic What A Time, may know that I've been writing a Toni POV version of What A Time! Well, lovelies, tonight I have finally finished it! It's a big ass story, just like What A Time, and I'm going to start posting it as soon as this story comes to an end!  
> What's more is that I actually have an idea that I'm thinking about writing as well! If last spring and this spring are any indication, I think we can gather that springtime is writing time for me! Woohoo, we love motivation and ideas!
> 
> Thank you all for spending some of your time here reading this chapter, I so appreciate it! Please leave your thoughts (and your theories!) in the comments if you'd like, or you can tweet at me or DM me on Twitter @ToriWrtsStories! Regardless, I hope you all have a lovely weekend! <3


	9. shouldn't feel this happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheryl balances how happy she's feeling with Toni with her PTSD and survivor's guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good afternoon friends! Happy Sunday!  
> This is a big chapter, and I really hope you all will like it. I've been so appreciative and honored to receive all of the comments and feedback so far. You guys are incredible, and I hope that you all enjoy!
> 
> But first, TW for this chapter: nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, survivor's guilt
> 
> Enjoy!

It was Wednesday when the memorial was finished outside the gym. Cheryl’s parents came to see it, and they were absolutely shocked to see the varsity jacket. Cheryl half expected her mother to accost her in front of all her peers, demanding where it had come from, but she was surprised to see Penelope so overcome with emotion that she simply started to cry and had to be led out by Clifford.

“I think it’s really brave that you ended up giving it to them,” Josie told Cheryl after school that way. “I’m proud of you, Cher.”

“Thanks,” Cheryl said with a small smile. “How’s your tattoo?”

“Still kind of hurts to touch, but I’ve been following my aftercare instructions to a T! I’m not about to get an infection.” Josie laughed. “Also, I’m trying to decide if it’s weird if I call up Toni and ask her to hang out. She just seems so cool, you know? Do you think you’d want to join if I decide to hit her up?”

“Maybe,” Cheryl answered, deciding that she needed to text Toni and tell her not to agree to anything with Josie for at least a week or so. Cheryl was started to realize that she just needed to admit to Josie what was going on, but she wanted to plan it first, because every time she imagined admitting it, she felt panicked. She hoped that Josie meeting Toni and liking her would make it easier, but she knew that Josie would be upset that Cheryl lied for the whole time Josie was getting her tattoo.

When she did text Toni to ask her that later, the response was immediate.

**Toni – Yeah no, if she called, I wasn’t going to agree to anything without talking to you first. I’m not crazy lmfao.**

Cheryl appreciated the response, because she knew that technically, Toni didn’t owe her anything. They weren’t in an exclusive relationship, technically. Cheryl wished that she knew where Toni’s head was about that, because their conversation on Saturday felt like a step in the right direction with Toni’s fears, but she didn’t know where her thoughts were after the fact. She thought it was probably a good thing that Toni had been calling her babe more often, even in text messages.

On Friday morning, Josie’s tattoo was hurting a lot less, as indicated by how much harder she practiced that morning than she had the previous days, when she had mostly been instructing the squad rather than leading by example.

They were coming up on their sectional’s competition, which was against all the teams in the surrounding areas, which meant that practice was getting more intense. Cheryl didn’t mind, though. Lately, it was a bit easier to get her head into the choreography, and she’d even been able to start helping some of her squad members with some of it, her former head-cheerleader-self noticing any and all little mistakes made by them.

A lot of the cheerleaders were planning to go to the baseball game that was that night, and Josie invited Cheryl to join them, but Cheryl decided to pass in favor of taking Toni up on an invite to another party at Archie’s apartment. She wasn’t super into baseball anyway, and she wasn’t sure how she would do at a sport’s game just yet, considering how much the energy at a baseball game would be like a football game.

So Friday night, she ended up knocking on Archie’s apartment door after her Lyft dropped her off, and he opened the door with a wide smile and welcomed her to the party. Once again, she was one of the last people to arrive, but she had mostly done it on purpose. She didn’t want to chance that Toni wasn’t already there.

The group was the same as the last party at Archie’s, plus Joaquin, who had apparently hit it off great with Fangs. Cheryl gave him a smile as she joined the group in the living area, taking the spot next to Toni—which had very clearly been saved for her, judging by the people sitting on the floor.

“Hey,” Toni greeted brightly.

“Hey,” Cheryl returned, feeling a lot lighter than last Friday, at the frat party. She cozied up next to Toni as Sweet Pea took the liberty of passing out beer bottles. Cheryl accepted one gratefully, taking a long sip to start the night.

“How was your guys’ Valentine’s weekend?” Veronica asked, nodding to Storm and Peaches.

“Oh shit, that’s right, you guys drove to NYC, right?” Munroe asked.

“Yep. Four hours round trip, not bad,” Storm confirmed with a nod. “How was our weekend, babe?”

“Hot as all hell,” Peaches answered, smirking at her girlfriend.

“Ugh, TMI,” Betty muttered, from where she was seated next to Archie.

“What about our other couples slash people dating each other?” Sweet Pea wondered. He glanced at Fangs and Joaquin and then at Toni and Cheryl.

“Eh, Joaquin and I just got dinner,” Fangs answered with a shrug. “Nothing too big.”

“Yeah,” Joaquin agreed, “Valentine’s Day is just an excuse for corporations to sell chocolate and shit at even higher prices than usual.”

“Aw come on, Valentine’s Day is sweet!” Veronica argued. She looked to Cheryl and Toni curiously. “What about you two, then?”

“We didn’t do anything,” Cheryl said, but Toni scoffed.

“We hung out the day before,” Toni argued.

“Toni forgot it was Valentine’s Day,” Cheryl stated.

Toni actually pouted at her, and Cheryl actually felt her heart stop for a moment. “Hey! I was going to try to think up something to do, but you said you didn’t care!”

“Girls always care, T,” Reggie insisted.

“Dude, I’m a girl,” Toni snapped.

“I know, which is why you totally should’ve been able to read through that.”

Cheryl laughed a little. “I’m just messing with you. It’s fine, seriously.”

Toni rolled her eyes and continued pouting, but then she wrapped her left arm around Cheryl, pulling her a little closer. Cheryl couldn’t even fight the smile on her face, and she tried to hide it by taking another drink of her beer, but she was sure it was obvious anyway.

“ _Anyway_ ,” Veronica said, “I spent all of V-Day on campus, studying, because _someone_ forgot that we had a friend date planned.” She glared at Betty, who huffed.

“We never really planned it, you just insisted that we should do it weeks ago when we were drunk! How was I supposed to remember?”

Cheryl chuckled a little, taking another drink of her beer.

“Okay, okay, guys,” Reggie exclaimed a minute later, after conversation had broken off into little groups for a second, “I know what we need to do—Truth or Dare.”

“Why are you always suggesting that dumb game?” Veronica tsked.

“Because it’s funny as hell!”

“How about just truth?” Fangs suggested. “To appease those who hate the dares.”

“Alright, fine. so rules are you can drink to get out of answering… if you’re a pussy. Anyone want to volunteer to be the first victim?”

“I’ll go,” Archie volunteered.

“Which of the _guys_ in the room is the hottest?” Reggie asked, grinning wickedly.

“Uh, Munroe. No question, sorry guys.”

The guys were howling with laughter at how fast Archie’s response was, but he just rolled his eyes and looked to Veronica. “Veronica. Would you have sex with anyone in this room?”

Veronica looked around the room carefully, and once she had looked at everyone person, she hummed. “Yes.”

“Dude, you should’ve asked her _who_ ,” Storm complained.

Veronica shook her head. “ _Storm_. Who’s the one who gets tied up, you or Peaches?” The color trained from Storm’s face as she quickly took a drink to get out of answering. Cheryl bit back a laugh as the rest of the group gave a chorus of “ooh!”

“Betty,” Storm said, “have you ever had a crush on a girl?”

“A crush? No,” Betty answered, shrugging. “Hmm… Sweet Pea. Have you ever had a threesome?”

Sweet Pea blew out a breath. “No, but I hope it happens someday.”

“And cue image that I did not want in my head,” Toni muttered, getting a chuckle from Cheryl.

Sweet Pea looked around the room, and his eyes landed on Cheryl. “Cheryl.” Cheryl felt her heart jump, but Toni gently brushed her fingers over Cheryl’s arm in a soothing way, and she felt herself relax. “Have you and Toni _done it_ yet?”

Cheryl’s face flushed red. “Dude,” Toni complained.

“What! She can drink if she wants to.”

“No, we haven’t,” Cheryl answered abruptly, a little embarrassed, but not seeing any reason to avoid telling the truth.

“Wow, Toni, you need to step up your game. No Valentine’s Day date, no s—”

“Sweet Pea,” Toni interrupted, “you’re a prick.”

“Oh come on, you love me.”

“Sometimes, but right now I’m still picturing you having a threesome and you’re being a dick, so.”

Cheryl sat up a little straighter, laughing along with the group at Toni and Sweet Pea. No one really seemed surprised or like they cared about Cheryl’s response, and Cheryl decided that Sweet Pea had probably only asked it to try and make fun of Toni, like he had. So she just looked around the circle to figure out who she was going to ask a question to.

“Um, Reggie,” Cheryl decided, which seemed to surprise Toni until she asked the question. “Who in this circle do you think is the most attractive?”

Reggie blinked, and Cheryl could tell that Toni was biting back a grin. “Probably Veronica.” The whole circled did their “oohs” again, and he muttered, “Like, objectively speaking.” Veronica was blushing, and Cheryl considered her question a success.

“Toni,” Reggie said, “would you ever tattoo a girl’s name on your ass?”

Toni laughed at that without a beat. “Oh my god, no way. First of all, I would never get a tattoo on my ass, and second of all, that is something only creepy ass people do. If you’re gonna get a name tattooed on you, it better be someone in your family, because otherwise it’s just weird. And your tattoo artist is thinking it too.”

Everyone laughed at Toni’s response, and then Toni went to ask Joaquin a question. The game continued for a while, but eventually it got old, and everyone decided to take tequila shots.

“Oh my god,” Storm said, looking at Peaches, “body shots?”

“Oh, hell yes!” Veronica exclaimed. “Betty, get the hell over here.”

“Hold on—are we about to do a platonic body shot?” Betty asked.

Veronica winked at her friend. “Unless you want it to mean more…”

Toni looked at Cheryl. “Ever done a body shot, babe?” she asked, leaning closer to Cheryl, who bit down on her lip and shook her head. “Do you want to try?”

“No,” Cheryl answered, “but you can take one off of me…”

Toni grinned.

Everyone started pouring shots and grabbing all the accompaniments—limes and salt. Cheryl took a plain shot down straight away, sure that she would need a little more buzz before letting Toni to take a body shot off of her. When the shot was down, Toni pulled Cheryl close to her. “Don’t be nervous,” Toni husked in her ear and sending a shiver down her whole body. Then Cheryl felt Toni’s lips in the crease of her neck, and her tongue wetting her skin.

Then Toni pulled away and poured some salt onto the spot on Cheryl’s neck. Then she grabbed a lime slice and her shot and brought the former up to Cheryl’s lips. Cheryl gently bit into the rind of the lime, holding it in her mouth and maintaining eye contact with Toni, who had her bottom lip between her teeth.

Toni glanced over at the other girls doing body shots—plus Fangs and Joaquin who had decided to get into the action—and it seemed like everyone was about to take theirs. Toni leaned really close to Cheryl, licking the salt off of her neck tantalizingly slow. Cheryl felt a wet warmth between her legs as she suppressed a moan.

Toni threw the shot back as soon as she’d pulled away from Cheryl, and after making a face at the taste of the tequila, she brought her lips right to Cheryl’s, biting into the flesh of the lime and pulling it away from Cheryl, who was breathless at the teasing contact between their lips.

Toni sucked out the juice of the lime and then threw away the rind, laughing as the group all cheered, all having taken their shots—body or not. Toni grabbed Cheryl’s hand and squeezed it. “Hot, right?”

“Do you need me to answer that?” Cheryl whispered, pulling Toni close to her and closing their lips in a deep kiss. Toni kissed her back fervently, but after a few long seconds, Veronica stabbed her fingers into both of their sides, causing them both to squeal and jump apart.

Veronica laughed so hard as Cheryl groaned, rubbing her side. “Get a room,” Veronica teased.

“Fuck off,” Toni snapped at her best friend, grabbing Cheryl and pulling her closer again for another hot, but quick kiss.

Everyone decided to take _another_ round of shots to “cool off,” and then someone decided that they should put on a comedy show. They all sat around the living room watching and laughing as they watched some comedian that Cheryl didn’t recognize tell jokes on Netflix.

Cheryl wasn’t really paying attention, though, because Toni was rubbing her thigh in the dark, and she couldn’t stop remembering the feeling of Toni licking the salt off of her neck.

She didn’t think Toni was paying attention either, and that was confirmed when the pink haired girl turned her head away from the TV and brought her lips to Cheryl’s ear. Cheryl was waiting to hear what she would say, but instead, she felt Toni’s teeth nibble lightly on the lobe of her ear. Cheryl felt it all down her body, and it took all of her energy to keep from moaning out loud. She dug her fingernails into Toni’s arm, and heard Toni chuckle oh so quietly into her ear.

“You wanna get out of here?” Toni whispered.

Cheryl nodded without hesitation, and a few seconds later, Toni had pulled away from her, stretching her arms over her head.

“I think Cheryl and I are gonna bounce,” she said. “Tired.”

Fangs looked at them with a smirk. “Sure, tired.” Toni held up her middle finger for him to see as she stood from the couch and offered her other hand to help Cheryl up.

“Thanks for the party and the drinks, Archie. See you guys,” Toni said.

“Yeah, thank you,” Cheryl reiterated.

“Bye, guys!” everyone called to them, as they grabbed their things and headed out.

Toni’s apartment was a short walk from Archie’s, and when they reached it, they made a beeline for the elevator. As soon as they were inside, and Toni pushed the third floor button, she pushed Cheryl right up against the wall and brought their lips together.

Cheryl brought her hands to Toni’s face, kissing her back with all that she had. When they heard the ding from the elevator, alerting them that they’d reached the third floor, they had to pull apart to quickly move into Toni’s apartment.

It was a blur between when they walked in and when Cheryl was suddenly pushed up against the outside of Toni’s door. Cheryl felt Toni grabbing at her ass and her thighs, and her whole body was awake. It felt like it was pulsating, begging for touch. “God, Toni,” Cheryl moaned out, as Toni’s lips moved to her neck purposefully.

“We…” Toni started, before sucking gently on some of Cheryl’s skin. After a moment, and another moan from Cheryl, Toni continued, “don’t have to do anything that you’re not ready for, okay?”

“Okay,” Cheryl whispered, before grabbing Toni’s face with her hands and pulling it up so that their lips could come together again. Toni kissed her deeply, one hand pulling Cheryl’s right thigh up around her.

At some point, they managed to get the door open without both of them falling into Toni’s room, and they moved to Toni’s bed. Cheryl laid beneath Toni, who had shrugged off her leather jacket, leaving her in just a white tank top. Cheryl ran her fingers down Toni’s bare arms, stopping for a moment to trace each of her tattoos. Toni bit down on her lip, looking down at Cheryl.

She brought her hands to the bottom of Cheryl’s sweater. “Can I take this off?”

“Mmhmm,” Cheryl hummed in response. Toni carefully pulled it up, and Cheryl lifted off of the bed just enough for her to pull it over her head, leaving Cheryl just in a red bralette.

“Damn,” Toni whispered.

“Now you,” Cheryl murmured, grabbing at the bottom of Toni’s tank top. Toni obliged, pulling her tank top right up and over her head, tossing it to the floor carelessly. She was wearing a white bralette that contrasted dramatically with the darker color of her skin. “You’re beautiful.”

Cheryl swore that Toni blushed at the compliment, but she only got to see it for a second before Toni was bending down, pressing kisses across Cheryl’s collarbone, and causing her skin to tingle. As Toni’s lips ventured around the edges of Cheryl’s bralette, Cheryl felt her nipples getting hard in anticipation, and she moaned.

“Take it off,” Cheryl pleaded.

“What?” Toni asked, pulling away a little. Cheryl just shook her head, grabbing the sides of her bralette herself and carefully removing it from her body. As she let it fall off the bed, Toni looked at her with wide, glistening eyes. “God, you’re perfect.”

Cheryl laughed a little at that, pulling Toni down for a kiss that only lasted a moment before Toni went to attend to Cheryl’s awaiting breasts.

Cheryl never could have guessed how good it would feel to have Toni sucking on and nipping at her nipples. She was so turned on that she might’ve considered stripping herself of the rest of her clothes and begging Toni to fuck her—but as she had the thought, she felt nerves in her stomach. She wasn’t ready—this was the first time anyone had ever even seen her topless, and didn’t she need time to process that alone?

She pushed the thoughts from her head and brought her hands to Toni’s bralette. Toni didn’t hesitate before sitting up and pulling it off of herself. Cheryl looked up at the gorgeous girl straddling her, wearing nothing above her waist, and felt her heart swell.

“Stop looking at me like that,” Toni whispered.

“Like what?” Cheryl asked, biting on her lower lip.

Toni shook her head. “Like I fucking hung the stars and moon in the sky.”

Cheryl laughed. “I’m not. You’re just… beautiful, and incredible.” Toni was definitely blushing now, and Cheryl didn’t even try to hide her grin. Toni murmured something unintelligible, before dropping back down and pressing a soft kiss to Cheryl’s swollen lips. Cheryl kissed her back tenderly, feeling Toni slide off of her and lay next to her. The kiss stayed slower, as if Toni had understood that this was as far as they would go tonight. That, too, made Cheryl’s heart swell with warmth.

A long while of making out later, Toni was laying next to Cheryl, dragging her fingers across her bare abdomen lazily. Cheryl was doing the same thing to Toni’s side. Toni moved her arm a little, wrapping it more around Cheryl, and it revealed some marks on the side of her ribs. Cheryl turned her head and brought her fingers to it, before realizing that it was a tattoo.

“I thought you said your last tattoo was on your low hip?” Cheryl said quietly.

Toni pulled away a little. “Oh, shit yeah. Uh.” Toni lifted her arm and looked down at the tattoo on her ribs. “I don’t usually mention this one.”

Cheryl looked at it more carefully. “T.A.T,” she read out, before guessing, “Your initials?”

“No,” Toni answered. “My mom’s. Therese Ann Topaz.”

“Oh,” Cheryl said softly, running her fingers gently over the cursive letters. “That’s a beautiful way to honor her, Toni.”

“Thanks,” Toni said with a smile. “It’s the first one I ever got.” Cheryl stared at the initials a little longer, getting a little lost in thought. “Hey, you okay?”

Cheryl looked back at Toni’s face, seeing those warm, attentive eyes looking at her curiously. “Yeah,” Cheryl answered.

“Were you planning on getting a Lyft back home tonight?”

“No,” Cheryl murmured, wrapping her arms around Toni as she turned onto her side, burying her face into Toni’s neck. Toni laughed softly, wrapping her arms around Cheryl in return. “Is that okay?” she questioned, her voice muffled by Toni.

“Of course.”

* * *

Cheryl hadn’t really been having her bad dreams on the nights that she stayed over at Toni’s—aside from some tossing and turning that was probably due to dreams she couldn’t exactly remember upon waking up—and although that was definitely not the reason that she loved staying at Toni’s so much, it was a nice addition. She should have known, though, that that couldn’t last forever.

She found out in the middle of the night when she jolted awake, the sounds of her brother’s car crashing into the trees filling her ears. She was gasping for breath, trying to reach for Jason, hoping that he was okay. By the time she realized he wasn’t, and she was sobbing, Toni was awake, wrapping her arms around Cheryl protectively.

“Hey, Cheryl, I’ve got you,” Toni whispered, sounding worried but somehow calm at the same time.

Cheryl, though, couldn’t snap out of it so quickly. She continued sobbing, picturing his body in the seat, bruised and bleeding and unconscious. Cheryl dialing 911. Falling out of the car trying to get away from all the shattered glass. She was covered in mud when she saw the flashing lights up by the road. She remembered screaming for them, and she sobbed harder. Paramedics ran down with stretchers, and Cheryl yelled at them to help Jason—get Jason first, he’s unconscious, she’d yelled. But they had loaded her up first, as firefighters went to the car to carefully extract her brother.

Cheryl felt arms tight around her—not part of her memory—and she realized where she really was. Toni’s bed, in Toni’s room, wrapped in Toni’s arms. Cheryl sobbed, burying her face into the crook of Toni’s neck.

“I’ve got you,” Toni promised, “it’s okay, I’ve got you. You’re okay.”

_He’s not_ , she wanted to say, _I am, but he’s not._

It took her about ten minutes to finally calm her breathing and crying enough to speak, though. She pulled out of Toni’s embrace a little, avoiding her gaze.

“Hey,” Toni said quietly, “it’s okay, Cheryl…”

“I’m so sorry,” Cheryl whispered, wiping at her face, “god, I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to be sorry,” Toni insisted. “I used to get nightmares like that.”

Cheryl looked at her, wondering if she’d said something that had revealed what her nightmare had been about. “Like that?”

“The kind that feel so real, like you’re reliving an experience. The kind that trigger a panic attack,” Toni said softly, rubbing her hand reassuringly on Cheryl’s back. “So don’t be sorry, okay?”

Cheryl bit down on her lower lip, nodding. “Okay," she croaked out.

“Do you feel like you can go back to sleep?” Cheryl nodded weakly. They laid down, and Cheryl turned away from Toni, still a little embarrassed. “C’mere,” Toni murmured, wrapping her arms around Cheryl and pulling her back to be flush with her front. “I’ve got you, okay? You’re safe.”

* * *

“God, I love coffee,” Josie said, after taking a long drink from her iced coffee cup.

She and Cheryl had been at Starbucks for the past twenty minutes and were both done with their purchased pastries and already finishing up their coffee.

“You know, I was thinking that maybe in college, if I ever need extra cash, I could totally get a job at Starbucks,” Josie said confidently. “I’m pretty sure I already have very drink memorized from when we bought everything on the menu within two weeks last summer.”

Cheryl chuckled a little. “Yeah, I bet you could.” She was trying to work up to a specific conversation, and she was definitely running out of time, but she couldn’t get any words out that she wanted. It didn’t help that she’d been feeling off all morning after the nightmare incident in the middle of the night. Toni had been so amazing, but still, in the morning, Cheryl had been a bit too embarrassed to talk about it. Toni didn’t press, though, so it had been easy to avoid the topic after assuring Toni that she was okay.

Focusing back on the task at hand, she finally asked, “How’s your tattoo doing?”

“Oh, it’s pretty good!” Josie answered happily. “It’s starting to get kind of itchy, like Toni said it would.”

“Just remember not to scratch it.”

“I won’t,” Josie assured her. “Oh! Speaking of Toni, I finally decided to call her this morning. She didn’t pick up, but I left a message with my number and told her that the three of us should totally get coffee sometime.”

Cheryl already knew that—she’d been with Toni when she got the phone call, and Cheryl had recognized the phone number, telling Toni not to pick up. When they’d heard the message, Cheryl had realized that she really needed to tell Josie what was going on with Toni. That’s what she was supposed to be doing here, now.

“You’d still be down to go with us, right? Assuming she calls me back—she’s probably super busy like she said.”

“Um, yeah, so… about that, Jos—”

Josie’s phone suddenly started ringing, and Cheryl almost cursed out loud. “Sorry, Cher, one second.” She answered the call. “Hey, mom. Ugh, what? Okay yeah. I’m on my way—swear. Love you. Yeah. Bye.” She hung up, looking distressed all of the sudden. “My fucking _dad_ just showed up at my house. He wants to see me—obviously, not like he’d be here to see my mom.”

Cheryl frowned. “Shit… any idea why?”

“No clue,” Josie grumbled. “But I really need to go. I’m so sorry, girl, let’s talk tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah,” Cheryl agreed. “Tomorrow.”

* * *

Cheryl found herself at home later, while Toni was at work and Josie was with her dad, mad at herself for not managing to tell Josie about Toni. She felt stupid for lying to her in the first place, and she was already worried that Josie would be mad about the whole tattoo shop incident, but she knew the longer she waited, the worse it would get.

Her frustration at herself didn’t stop there. The longer she was alone today, the more she kept remembering the previous night, when she’d woken up sobbing and gasping for air, reliving the accident in Toni’s arms. Toni had been unbelievably kind and supportive, but Cheryl couldn’t get over the fact that it had happened in the first place. She felt embarrassed. On top of that, she kept reliving the moment where she yelled at the paramedics to get Jason first, as they scooped her up onto a stretcher, and she cried that he was unconscious.

It was a rough day for Cheryl, but as much as she didn’t want to be alone during it, she was scared to approach Toni. She knew it was stupid, but she would have to admit that she didn’t tell Josie about them, and she didn’t know if she was ready to face her after last night and this morning just yet.

Not that this morning had been bad really, other than Cheryl feeling pretty generally shitty the whole time. Toni had been nothing but incredible, as per usual. Maybe that’s what made Cheryl feel even worse about it, somehow.

But as the evening crept up on her, she got a text from Toni.

**Toni – Hey, can I see you tonight? :)**

Cheryl let out a long breath, biting down on her lower lip and wondering if she should give into her worries and claim to be busy. Ultimately, though, she imagined a night of anxiety and worry alone, and decided that maybe a distraction could be good.

**Cheryl – Sure. But can we not go out? I’m kind of having a rough day.**

**Toni – Of course. I’m going to be home in like fifteen minutes if you want to come over?**

**Cheryl – Yeah, I’ll leave now.**

So Cheryl dragged herself out of her bed and out to her car. She didn’t run into her parents, thankfully—she’d never told them where she’d been the night before, but they hadn’t said anything if they’d even noticed. It seemed like now that the drama with the jacket was over, they were giving her a bit of a wider berth. She wasn’t sure why, but she wasn’t about to question or complain about it.

Cheryl noticed the cloudy sky when she left her house, but it had been cloudy all week, so she hadn’t thought much of it. But about halfway to Toni’s apartment, the rain came. Cheryl felt her chest tighten as her breathing quickened, and she turned her windshield wipers to their fastest setting as she focused all of her attention to the road in front of her. She’d made it past all the woods near her house, and was now surrounded by other cars and buildings, but it didn’t matter. As the rain smashed into her windows, she felt her breaths coming shorter and shorter.

Somehow, she made it to Toni’s apartment building before she ended up starting a full on panic. The rain on her windshield was still majorly triggering, though, so she quickly climbed out of her car and made a break for the building.

Her breathing was finally a little calmer as she knocked on Toni’s door.

When it swung open, Toni looked at her with a frown. “Aw, you got drenched.”

“I, uh, didn’t know it was going to rain,” Cheryl murmured.

“Well, come on in,” Toni said, stepping back and letting Cheryl in. “I picked up some takeout from the café before I came home, if you’re hungry.”

“Um, sure,” Cheryl agreed, taking a seat at the dining table as Toni grabbed some food out of the fridge.

“You like salad, right? I was pretty sure you’d ordered that before.”

“Yeah.”

Toni brought over a container containing a salad before stepping back into the kitchen to warm up the other one. Cheryl took a small bite of the takeout, before realizing that her stomach was still not recovered from the drive, and she set her fork back down as she forced herself to swallow. “Hey, you okay?” Toni wondered.

“Sorry, just…” Cheryl shook her head. “I mean, I’m fine, just—uh. Today isn’t really going to plan.”

“What do you mean?” Toni wondered.

“I didn’t tell Josie about us,” Cheryl admitted, hoping that this topic would distract her from the bigger one on her mind.

Toni shrugged. “That’s okay. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready.” Cheryl blinked, feeling frustrated all of the sudden. She didn’t express said frustration, though, because she wasn’t quite sure why it was filling her up. “Oh by the way—this is totally unrelated, and I know it’s a weird ass question—but what’s your last name?”

Cheryl sat up straighter all the sudden. “Uh—”

“I know,” Toni said, “it’s weird, I realized I’ve known you for like, over a month, and I still I don’t know it. You’ve just been Cheryl in my phone, and I never thought to ask.”

“Blossom,” Cheryl answered weakly. “Cheryl Blossom.”

Toni smiled. “That’s pretty.”

“Thanks,” Cheryl murmured, looking back down at her salad and feeling even more queasy all of the sudden.

“Seriously, Cheryl,” Toni said, as she joined Cheryl at the table, “don’t worry about Josie, okay? I’m not like, waiting on the edge of my seat for you to come out. I want you to be ready, and I don’t want you to do it because of me.”

Cheryl clenched her fork in her hand. How could Toni be _so_ nice to her? What had she ever done that warranted such kindness?

“Cheryl?” Toni asked carefully.

“Why aren’t you pissed at me?” Cheryl demanded. Toni blinked, shocked at the outburst.

“Why would I be?” Toni asked.

“Because I haven’t told my best friend about you, and I made you have to meet her when she had no clue that we’re dating! Because I had a panic attack about something that I won’t even tell you about last night, and woke you up and you had to fucking take care of me! Because I never told you my fucking last name, and I never told you that my dream college is Princeton and that I—I—I…” Cheryl tried to take a breath, but it was too short. “I don’t deserve for you to be so fucking nice to me all the time!” She was crying now. “I don’t deserve for you to m-make me feel so s-safe and happy, I don’t deserve anything l-like that w-while he—he—”

“Cheryl,” Toni said carefully, “hey, just breathe, talk to me, it’s okay—”

There was a clap of thunder outside, and Cheryl jumped right out of her chair onto her feet, shaking. “I don’t deserve it, Toni. I—I—I… I like you so much,” Cheryl cried, “and you make me feel—h-happy, and I can’t, I shouldn’t feel this happy. Not when he’s—not while he—”

“Babe,” Toni whispered, starting to stand carefully from the table.

Cheryl shook her head, sobbing as she spun around and left the apartment abruptly. She skipped the elevator and took the stairs down to the ground floor. Everything felt like a blur as she ran out of the building, rain suddenly drowning her as she almost fell to the ground. She made a break for her car, barely managing to unlock it and climbing inside. She tried to get the key in the keyhole, but her hand was shaking so much that she dropped it onto the floor of her car. She tried to reach for it, but she was shaking and crying too much.

She pulled her legs up to her chest, sobbing as she pictured the car sliding in the rain. Him turning the steering wheel and the car swerving and sliding in the ditch toward the trees. Him there in the car, unconscious. Herself in the mud. The paramedics helping her first, while the firefighters had to pry apart his already destroyed car to get to him. Then in the hospital room. Her mother yelling at her, demanding her to explain how this had happened. While he laid there on a hospital bed, unmoving and just out of surgery. Steady pulse, but no brain activity.

Then all again. The rain. The car slipping. The car turning, slamming into the trees. The broken windshield. The branch. The glass. 911. The mud. The stretcher. The firefighters. The ambulance. The hospital room. Yelling. Brain dead. And again. The rain. The car. The trees. Glass. Branch. 911. Mud. Stretcher. Ambulance. Hospital. And again. Rain. Car. Trees. Branch. Glass. Stretcher. Firefighters. Yelling.

Jason. Dead.

And again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oop!  
> Y'all had to know I was going to have at least one cliff hanger in this story right?  
> Please feel free to let me know your thoughts on this chapter, I appreciate all the feedback so much and this chapter was really emotional so I'd love to hear what you all thought about it.  
> Remember that you can follow me on Twitter @ToriWrtsStories and talk to me about fanfic or choni or riverdale or anything! I love talking to y'all <3 Thank you all so much for being here, reading and kudosing and commenting, I very much appreciate it! I hope you all have a lovely week <3


	10. leveling the playing field

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheryl realizes where she's gotten herself over the past weeks, and takes a few big steps to keep it from getting any worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *peeks out* hello hi i'm back sorry for that cliffhanger :3
> 
> For this chapter, TW: Discussion of car accident, dissociation, discussion of panic attacks, survivor's guilt, PTSD, medication, therapy
> 
> I hope you guys like this one, weirdly I'm more nervous for you guys to read this one than I was for the last one... Enjoy!

Cheryl’s car door opened, but she barely noticed. She barely felt someone squishing into the driver’s seat with her, just managing to shut the door behind them. The arms around her. She heard words in her ears, but she couldn’t decipher them. She couldn’t even hear the rain anymore, just the crash, and the yelling, over and over.

At some point, she started to notice the slow rise and fall of a chest pressed to her back, a guiding breath. She felt herself regaining control of her own breath, and she took a short one in. Too short. She tried to squeeze her eyes shut, but they were already closed. She breathed out for as long as she could, and then sucked in a breath, trying to match the guiding breath.

And finally, she broke out of the loop. She felt exhaustion overtake her, and she fell limp in the grasp of whoever was holding her.

“I’ve got you,” she finally heard. “I’ve got you, baby, I’ve got you.”

Cheryl forced her eyes open and turned her head just enough to see Toni’s tearstained face. She suddenly could hear the rain again, and her chest tightened. “Inside,” she murmured, “the rain…”

“Are you sure you can?” Toni asked quietly. Cheryl nodded weakly, and Toni opened the car door. She peeled off the coat she was wearing and held it up over Cheryl’s head as they both got out. Toni reached back into the car for something, and Cheryl realized that she’d picked up the keys. The car door closed, and Cheryl flinched at the sound. Toni locked the car and started to guide Cheryl back to the building.

Somehow, they reached Toni’s bed. Cheryl felt numb as she laid there, her head in Toni’s lap. It had felt like forever that she sat in her car, reliving the accident over and over. She had no concept for how long she’d been in there. It felt like it had destroyed her.

“Do you want me to call someone?” she heard Toni whisper. “Josie, or your mom, or…?”

“No,” Cheryl murmured, closing her eyes. “Josie is with her dad.”

“Okay.”

Cheryl took in a deep breath. She looked up at Toni’s face, filled with concern as those warm eyes looked over every detail of Cheryl’s face. Cheryl breathed in again and looked away. “The day before Halloween last year was the biggest football game of the semester. Everyone was excited—not even the light rain could hinder our spirits. Our team did _so_ well, too, but mostly because of the quarterback. Jason. My twin brother.”

Toni sucked in a breath as she heard the words, and her hand came to Cheryl’s hair, stroking it softly.

“We were supposed to run home, clean ourselves up, and meet up with everyone for an after party. But the rain came a lot harder when we started driving. We live right at the edge of town. There’s this long road next to these woods, but between the road and the woods is this huge ditch. There’s no guard rail or anything,” Cheryl said numbly, surprised at how easily the words came out of her. As if she’d already given out all her emotion. “Jason’s car was almost as old as mine. That’s what were in, he was driving. The tires slipped. We went into the ditch, and we were headed for the woods—the break didn’t work, because it was so wet and—and…”

Cheryl closed her eyes tightly—maybe she could still feel it after all. “I think he… I think he turned the car on purpose. So that his side of the car slammed into the trees, and mine didn’t. B-but the windshield shattered. He was unconscious. I called—I called 911 and they came and got us, and he needed surgery—the—the glass shards had impaled him in some places, and he was otherwise super b-bruised up and bleeding. H-he had also hit his head against the w-window…" She paused to suck in another breath. "He was pronounced braindead just after midnight on Halloween.”

She had never told anyone about how Jason had seemed to deliberately turn the car, partly because it was all a blur and it was hard to be sure, but also because she didn’t want it to be true. She didn’t want him to have sacrificed himself for her. Because if he hadn’t, maybe they’d both be dead, and she wouldn’t have had to be left alone. “Oh my god, Cheryl,” Toni whispered, her hands still in Cheryl’s hair. “Oh, baby…”

Cheryl sniffed, rolling onto her side and burying her face into Toni’s t-shirt. “I’m so tired.”

“Sleep then,” Toni whispered. “It’s okay, you can just sleep. I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

“Okay.”

* * *

Toni didn’t go anywhere, and when Cheryl woke up in the middle of the night, she was there to get Cheryl some water and something to eat, and then to hold her as she fell back asleep afterward. She was there the next morning, when Cheryl finally dragged herself out of Toni’s bed and washed her face. She was there when Cheryl peeked out Toni’s curtains, seeing that the rain had stopped. And she was there when Cheryl called Dr. Rhodes, and asked if she could meet her that morning, despite it being Sunday.

She’d even offered to drive her to Dr. Rhodes’ office herself, but Cheryl refused, promising to text her later as she made her way to her car.

* * *

At Dr. Rhodes’ office, Cheryl word-vomited everything that had happened, starting from staying over at Toni’s and waking up from a nightmare. She talked about how she was supposed to tell Josie about Toni. About the wallowing and feelings of embarrassment and frustration at herself. She talked about going to Toni’s, and Toni being so understanding. She talked about the rain, and the panic, and Toni taking care of her. She talked about it all, and when she was finished, Dr. Rhodes was looking at her with an expression that Cheryl couldn’t even identify, and she said, “Wow.”

“Wow?” Cheryl demanded.

“I’m sorry,” Dr. Rhodes apologized quickly. “I just meant, that is as _lot_ to happen in a day.”

“Tell me about it,” Cheryl muttered.

“I want you to know, I think it is a big step that you told Toni about Jason and what happened,” Dr. Rhodes said with a nod.

Cheryl laughed an empty laugh. “What was I supposed to do? She watched me have the worst panic attack I’ve _ever_ had. I couldn’t not tell her.”

“Hmm.” Dr. Rhodes jotted something down in her notes. “Well, it sounds to me like she has been your biggest source of comfort lately.”

“Yeah,” Cheryl mumbled.

Dr. Rhodes nodded slowly. “Anyway. It sounds like the panic you experienced was very much triggered by your survivor’s guilt.” Cheryl crossed her arms tightly over her chest. “You felt that Toni should be angry with you—that you didn’t deserve her patience and kindness.”

“Yeah,” Cheryl confirmed. “And… I felt… _bad_ about how lucky I seem to have gotten with her. She held me while I woke up from a nightmare. And before that, we’d had the best night with her friends, hanging out and then spending some time just the two of us… I was so happy, but… Jason will never feel that.”

“That’s what I mean,” Dr. Rhodes said, “about feeling guilty that you are here, experiencing these things without him.”

“I have to tell you something, Dr. Rhodes,” Cheryl murmured. Dr. Rhodes nodded and looked at her expectantly. “When the car…” She swallowed thickly, trying not to get choked up. “When the car swerved in the ditch, before his side hit the trees… I saw him turn the wheel. I don’t know if it was just his instinct, maybe he didn’t think much of it, but… it really seems like… like maybe he did it on purpose. So that I wouldn’t get the full impact.”

Cheryl felt a hot tear trailing down her cheeks. “So that’s part of where this guilt is coming from. You aren’t just guilty about having survived—you think he might have purposefully tried to save you.”

“Yeah,” Cheryl said softly, “and I mean… I wouldn’t put it past him. He always swore to protect me—like in second grade, when these stupid bullies made fun of my hair, he told them that if they didn’t stop, he would make sure they stopped. He wasn’t even a threatening presence to anyone, but if it was to protect me, it was like he was suddenly unstoppable. So of course he would sacrifice himself for me, but… in doing that, he left me here, alone, dealing with all of this by myself.”

“You’re not alone, Cheryl,” Dr. Rhodes promised. “Right? You have me. You have Toni, Josie. You don’t have to deal with this by yourself.” Unlike in the past, Dr. Rhodes didn't even bother mentioning Cheryl's parents.

Cheryl nodded weakly.

Dr. Rhodes let out a breath. “Cheryl, I do have a suggestion of something that might make this a little easier for you.” Cheryl lifted an eyebrow. “Unfortunately, as a psychologist, I’m not a prescriber, but—”

“Wait—medication?” Cheryl asked.

“Don’t think about it as medicine,” Dr. Rhodes insisted. “Think of it like… something that is going to even the playing field between you and your PTSD. It will help you stand a better chance against your symptoms, give you more room to use coping mechanisms. And there’s a good chance it could help with your nightmares and flashbacks.”

Cheryl sucked in a deep breath. When it was put that way, it didn’t really sound so bad.

* * *

It was Monday afternoon, and Cheryl was looking at a little orange bottle instructing her to take a capsule with food. She’d just eaten a late lunch, after sleeping all morning. She hadn’t gone to school—she’d asked Dr. Rhodes to call her mother and recommend that she stay home, and her parents hadn’t seemed too bothered, at least not after they saw Cheryl come home from the appointment, probably looking beyond exhausted.

Her mother had also gone to the pharmacy to pick up Cheryl’s new medication, which her primary care doctor had promptly prescribed and called in this morning, after speaking on the phone with Dr. Rhodes.

She replayed Dr. Rhodes’ explanation about leveling the playing field in her head, and then opened the bottle, and took down one of the capsules.

* * *

Tuesday morning, Cheryl managed to get out of bed on time, dress and do her makeup, and she left for school feeling moderately better than she had on Monday. When she got to cheer practice, Josie was next to her in a matter of seconds.

“Hey, girl,” she said, worry in her voice. “Are you okay? When you texted yesterday about not coming to school, I knew I shouldn’t pry too much, but… are you okay?”

Cheryl took in a deep breath. “Yeah. The weekend was… pretty bad, and I just needed yesterday to sleep some more and just… get back to myself. But yeah, I’m okay.”

“Okay,” Josie said with a nod. “You feeling up to practice?”

“Of course.”

Practice actually helped get Cheryl out of her head a lot, especially after Josie gave the team a big speech about how their sectionals competition was next Friday, and that they needed everything to be perfect. Cheryl took a couple of run-throughs before she was back to her near perfect movements, but once she got back to it, it filled her with a sense of normalcy and calm.

During second period later that day was when Cheryl got a text from Toni.

**Toni – Hey, Cheryl. I know you texted with an update on Sunday that you were home safe and everything, but I wanted to check in. You didn’t text yesterday, and I just want to make sure you’re okay. Call me later?**

Cheryl read the text off her phone while her teacher was reading through a slideshow, so she couldn’t reply right away. It wasn’t until she was walking to her locker before lunch that she ended up replying.

**Cheryl – Hi. Thanks for checking in. I’m okay, pretty much fully recovered from the weekend anyway. I missed school yesterday. Today I’m back and cheer practice helped a lot too. Josie’s being really sweet.**

She sent the message, and then when she got to her locker, she exhaled a breath and decided to send another text.

**Cheryl – I’m sorry I didn’t text you yesterday. I was asleep for a lot of the day. I felt pretty awful after this whole weekend. And I know that we need to talk. Can I see you this week?**

She sent the message and bit down on her lower lip. She was nervous to see Toni again, because Saturday evening and Sunday morning felt like one big blur, but she couldn’t forget Toni’s worried, tearstained face. She felt bad for having put Toni through that, but at the same time, she felt like it was her own fault for taking so long to tell Toni about the accident. If she’d done it earlier, maybe things wouldn’t have escalated like they had.

But of course, Toni was still being perfect about it, and she didn’t deserve for Cheryl to ignore her just because she felt bad about what happened.

**Toni – Anytime, babe, just name it.**

**Cheryl – Friday?**

**Toni – Works for me. In the meantime, seriously, feel free to call me, or just text me, whenever.**

**Cheryl – Okay. Thank you, Toni.**

Cheryl grabbed her lunch and made it to the cafeteria, where Josie had already made it. As she approached, she remembered the other big thing from the weekend—she was supposed to tell Josie about Toni, because Josie had finally called Toni, and Cheryl had told Toni not to answer.

“Hey, Cher,” Josie greeted with a bright smile. “I was just thinking about practice this morning, and how badass we all look doing the routine. I’m so excited for competition next Friday.”

“Me too,” Cheryl agreed kind of lamely, as she sat across from her at the lunch table. Josie launched into something about the competition, or something that the coach had said, but Cheryl wasn’t really paying attention. Josie was probably three or four minutes into speaking about whatever it was when Cheryl was suddenly speaking, “Jos, I need to tell you something.”

Josie froze. “Oh, okay… is everything okay?”

Cheryl took in a deep breath. “Remember how I got Tinder?”

“Yes….”

“Well, I didn’t really.”

Josie furrowed her eyebrows. “Okay… wait, then what about your overnight dates?” Cheryl chewed on the inside of her lip for a second. “What’s going on, Cher?”

“I’m dating someone,” Cheryl said.

“But not from Tinder?”

“No,” Cheryl said quietly. “A few weeks ago… well, over a month ago, actually. The weekend I had Saturday detention…. I went to a college party, near Eastwood University. And I met some people here who I’ve sort of been hanging out with the past few weeks.”

Josie frowned. “Okay… why would you do that and not tell me?”

“Because… I was trying to keep them like, completely separate from all my shit. And everyone at school here… everyone, everything… was reminding me of Jason. Including you, Jos. And it’s like… I just wanted to be around people who just… had no idea what shit I’d been through. I just wanted to escape,” Cheryl explained. “But… I didn’t really mean to make any _friends_ , per se. And I definitely didn’t mean to meet someone who I would end up dating.”

“So you’re dating a college guy,” Josie said, her expression a little bit unreadable.

Cheryl groaned for a second, looking down at her hands. “Um, not exactly.”

“What? It’s weirder than that?” Josie demanded.

“I’m dating… um, a college _girl_ ,” Cheryl said, very softly.

Josie’s jaw dropped. “Whoa, whoa… you’re into g—”

“Shush!” Cheryl exclaimed, and Josie seemed to realize that she was talking loudly.

“You’re into girls?” Josie asked quietly.

“Yeah,” Cheryl answered. “And… it’s not something I’ve really meant to keep from you. I didn’t even really think much of it at all until I met this girl. She just… piqued my interest, I guess.”

Josie took a beat, nodding slowly. “Okay. Okay, you know what, that’s not all that hard to believe, I guess. That you’re… you know. And you know that I love you, no matter what, right? And I’m sorry for being shocked, I guess I just… I don’t know, I didn’t see that coming at all. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Cheryl said, feeling a little relieved. “Um, are you mad about the fact that I was going to college parties and dates and shit without telling you?”

Josie sighed. “Mad? No. I get that you’ve been going through a rough time. So I guess I’m a little… _sad_ , but I’m definitely not _mad_.”

“Cool, because the next thing I’m about to tell you might actually make you mad,” Cheryl said, cringing a little at the prospect of finally admitting who Toni was to Cheryl.

“Uh… okay…”

“So the girl I’m dating. You’ve met her.”

“I’ve met her?” Josie asked, clearly not expecting that plot twist either. “I don’t know any college people! In fact, I think the only college person I’ve met all semester was…”

Cheryl sighed as Josie seemed to start connecting the dots. “Your super talented and sweet tattoo artist, Toni Topaz?”

Josie’s jaw dropped. “Girl, what? You two were _dating_ when I was getting my tattoo?” Cheryl winced at how loud Josie had gotten all the sudden, and then Josie seemed to realize that she’d shouted a little. “Shit, sorry. But what the hell? You two pretended that you didn’t know each other for that whole time?”

“Look, I know it was stupid. But I wasn’t ready to tell you yet, and I didn’t want you to _not_ get a tattoo because I drove you away from her somehow. Plus, I know she’s a good tattoo artist, so I figured if my best friend in the whole world was actually going to get a tattoo, it might as well be by someone I trust,” Cheryl explained. “And I felt so awful lying to you, Jos. Trust me, I still feel awful. And Toni—god she’s so fucking understanding—she didn’t want me to have to tell you before I was ready.”

Josie took a breath, looking thoughtfully at Cheryl.

“Look, I get if you’re mad at me. I probably deserve it. And honestly, someone should probably be mad at me for something right now,” Cheryl muttered.

Josie furrowed her eyebrows. “I’m not mad at you, Cheryl. I mean, I’m definitely a little shook about this whole thing, and do I wish you’d have told me sooner? Of course. But… I mean, Toni’s right. You shouldn’t have to tell someone that sort of thing before you’re ready. And… with everything that’s going on, I can understand why you would be worried about mentioning something like that. Not that you needed to be worried about my reaction, but in general.”

Cheryl breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks, Josie.”

“So… are you guys like, girlfriends?” Josie asked softly.

Cheryl shook her head. “We haven’t really… put a label on it. Toni has some… reasons that she’s kind of scared to label it. But it’s like, unspoken that we’re exclusive. I’m trying not to get too hung up on it, because I know it’s not because she doesn’t want to be with me… if that makes sense?”

“Yeah, I guess that does,” Josie said with a shrug.”

Cheryl nodded. After a moment, she said, “Again, I’m so sorry for not telling you sooner, but—”

“Cher, no more apologies, okay? I’m not mad, and so you don’t need to apologize. Anyway, I’m still hung up on this ‘someone should probably be mad at me’ bullshit that you just spewed. What’s up with that?”

Cheryl groaned, running a hand through her hair. “Um, let’s just say that I didn’t tell Toni about Jason until last weekend? And then only reason I ended up telling her was because I had a horrible panic attack?”

Josie blew out a breath. “Oh, Cher.”

“Yeah. But she’s not mad at me… I don’t think. I mean, she’s never fucking mad at me for anything. She’s so understanding and perfect and I don’t get it.” Josie laughed, and Cheryl furrowed her eyebrows. “What?”

“Stop complaining. Sounds like you just found a good one.” Cheryl smiled a little. “So… is that why Toni still hasn’t returned my call from Saturday? God, now I feel like an idiot, asking her to hang out with me like that.”

Cheryl’s smile widened. “I think it was really sweet. And I do think that you and Toni would get along really well.”

“Well then, we definitely need to get coffee with her sometime, so I can meet her in official capacity,” Josie insisted, reaching across the table and putting a hand on top of Cheryl’s. “Cher… you’re my best friend, and I love you. Again, no matter what.”

Cheryl smiled. “Thanks, Josie. I love you, too.”

* * *

After a busy day of school and homework, Cheryl curled up in her bed wearing comfy pajamas and dialed Toni’s number on her phone, knowing that she should definitely be home from work by now.

Sure enough, Toni picked up the phone rather quickly. “Cheryl,” she said, sounding relieved. “Hey. I’m so glad you called.”

Cheryl smiled. “Hey. Yeah. I have something good to tell you.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I told Josie,” Cheryl admitted, leaning her head back against her pillow. “About me being gay. About us… err, you know, us dating.”

“That’s awesome, Cheryl,” Toni said, “but you do know I wasn’t asking or waiting for you to do that, right?”

“I know,” Cheryl insisted, “I know, but… I needed to do it, and I need you to be happy about it, okay?”

Toni laughed softly, bringing a smile to Cheryl’s face. “Of course I’m happy about it. Josie seems really sweet, and I’m glad she’s no longer wondering why she has an unreturned phone call from me.”

“She wants us to get coffee sometime,” Cheryl said with amusement. “You’re probably going to get the best friend talk.”

“Is that a thing? Like the father talk, or the big sibling talk?” Toni asked, chuckling. Cheryl laughed a little too, but her smiled dropped, and apparently that was evident in the sound of her laugh. “Shit—totally not what I should’ve said there.”

“It’s okay,” Cheryl insisted. “I know it was probably easier before, but… you don’t have to walk on eggshells around me or anything.”

“I’m not,” Toni argued, “walking on eggshells. Obviously, otherwise I would’ve not said something like that. And I’m not upset that you told me all that stuff on Saturday, Cher.” Cheryl bit down on her lower lip. “Cheryl?”

“Aren’t you mad that I didn’t tell you sooner?” Cheryl asked quietly. “The whole time I knew you… and at first, when I used you as a distraction… and then when you told me about your mom, and I just… didn’t say anything about him.”

“Cheryl. Grief? It’s literally the worst. It makes some people do stuff they never thought they’d do. Like… making an eleven year old girl pick a fight with a guy three times her size and end up in the emergency room. Or making a thirteen year old girl try hard drugs, just hoping to _feel_ something, _anything_.” Cheryl frowned deeply, feeling her heart ache as she realized that Toni was not speaking in hypotheticals. “Okay, grief is fucked up, and it’s hard. And… you not telling me about your brother because it hurt so bad, and… and for whatever other reasons you chose not to tell me… that’s part of grief, too. And it’s not like I didn’t know something happened. Okay, like… I’m not blind, but… I care about you, Cheryl. A lot. I’m not _mad_ because in your grief, you didn’t tell me about this horrible, traumatic experience that you had. And don’t compare it to me talking about my mom, okay? Because trauma and grief… they’re different between people. We could’ve had the exact same thing happen to us, and still experience completely different subsets of trauma symptoms. Okay?”

Cheryl nodded, before realizing that Toni couldn’t see her. “Okay,” she whispered.

“I just want to help you be okay, babe,” Toni said softly.

“You do,” Cheryl promised.

“Good. Good, so… stop expecting me to be mad at you, okay?” Toni joked light-heartedly, getting small smile and a tearful laugh from Cheryl.

“Yeah, okay, I’ll try.”

“Good,” Toni said softly. “Well… you should probably get some sleep.”

“Yeah, probably,” Cheryl agreed.

“I’ll see you on Friday. You can come over, or we can go out for dinner, or whatever you feel up to, okay?”

“Okay.”

“But until then… literally text or call me whenever, okay? If I’m busy, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”

“Okay.”

“You promise?” Toni asked teasingly.

“I _swear_ ,” Cheryl returned, chuckling. “Thanks, Toni.”

“Of course. I’ll see you on Friday.”

The phone call ended, and Cheryl let out a long breath. She felt quite a bit better, after talking to both Josie and Toni today, and she was pretty sure that she deserved it after her horrible weekend.

Because maybe all of this wasn’t exactly her fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys felt that was done okay. Reading it back I'm worried it was too short, but at the same time, I stand by how I wrote it. I didn't write a lot for the rest of that weekend because... I feel like Cheryl was living Sunday & Monday like... very dissociated, and so having it short and quick sort of matched with that vibe, I guess. I hope you guys felt the same way!  
> And I know, both of the big things we were waiting for happening in this chapter! But there's more big things to come!  
> We have only 3 chapters left of this story :( It feels so short compared to other things I've written, but when I got to chapter 12, I realized that 13 was going to be the end, and once I've gotten to that point, there's not all that much I can do to make it longer without making it all filler.
> 
> So, yeah! Three more chapters, next one will probably be out this weekend!  
> Thank you all for your comments on the last chapter, I really loved reading all of them! I hope you all have a lovely week! xx


	11. you look chipper this morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni makes sure that Cheryl knows nothing has changed between them since Cheryl admitted what happened to her last semester.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good afternoon friends! Felt like a good time for a happy lil chapter!
> 
> TW for this chapter: Mention of medication
> 
> Enjoy!

Friday couldn’t come soon enough for Cheryl, and when she was finally walking out of school Friday afternoon, she felt a sense of relief at having the weekend to relax. Josie had offered for them to go see a movie, but Cheryl had explained that she was meeting up with Toni that night, probably to talk some about the previous weekend. Josie, of course, was understanding, but insisted that they should all get coffee sometime later in the weekend. Cheryl wasn’t so sure about when they would make time for that, but she promised Josie that they would figure it out.

She was due to go to Toni’s at seven, so she found herself going home first. She spent some time running through the cheer routine that she needed to have absolutely flawless in a week, until she was pretty tired, at which point she cleaned herself up and changing into leggings and a crop top. It was getting less cold outside in the evenings, so she topped the outfit off with a flannel and called it good enough.

In an effort to occupy her time before heading to Toni’s, Cheryl also touched up her makeup. As she was doing so, she realized that her manicured nails were getting a little long and unruly. Normally, she would make a mental note to get another manicure, but then she looked carefully at her nails. She thought about the previous weekend—before things had gone to shit. She thought about Toni’s lips on her body, the feeling of her tongue on her neck, the heat between her thighs.

And she still wasn’t sure if she was _ready_ for anything in specific yet, but there wasn’t anything wrong with being prepared, right?

So when she left her house at six-thirty, her nails were quite a bit shorter.

She would’ve been a little early to Toni’s based on the time she left her house, so she stopped by the café to pickup food for both of them, before finally driving to Toni’s. As she was parking, she saw Toni walking from the direction of the tattoo shop, looking at her phone.

Smiling a little at the sight of the girl, Cheryl quickly turned off her car and grabbed the food. When she locked her car, causing it to honk, Toni looked up from her phone, noticing Cheryl headed her way. “Hey, you almost beat me,” Toni said with a laugh.

“ _And_ I picked up food first,” Cheryl added, waving the takeout containers at the older girl. “I guess you could say that I’ve sort of just been… filling time between school ending and seven.”

Toni grinned. “What, did you miss me or something?”

“Oh shut up,” Cheryl muttered. Toni laughed, and Cheryl felt her heart jump when Toni’s hand came to rest on her lower back, guiding her toward the building. When they reached Toni’s apartment, they settled at the dining table with their takeout, and Cheryl took a bite of her chicken salad eagerly, having not eaten since lunch.

“So… how are you?” Toni wondered. “You seem like you’re doing better than last weekend.”

“Yeah,” Cheryl said with a laugh, “yeah, definitely. Um… is Veronica lurking around here?”

“No, she’s on campus until nine or ten, probably. Some group project thing,” Toni answered. Cheryl nodded in response, taking another bite of her food, chewing slowly, and finally swallowing.

“Yeah, so, I’m definitely feeling better. My um… my doctors have me trying some meds, so…” Cheryl cringed a little as she said it. “Ugh. I haven’t said that out loud to anyone.”

“Hey, no judgment,” Toni insisted, “not that medications are ever something to judge about. You wouldn’t judge a diabetic for taking insulin, or someone with chronic pain for taking pain meds, would you?”

“Well, when you put it that way…” Cheryl gave Toni a half smile. “Anyway. I don’t know if they’ve really done anything yet except make my stomach feel a little weird all week, but. Hopefully, they’ll help. But… I’m glad I talked to Josie, and I’ve been pretty well distracted by cheer practice. Plus…”

“Plus?” Toni asked.

“You know. Us talking on Tuesday. That kind of helped, for sure.”

Toni smiled. “I’m glad. I really wanted to make sure you knew that… you know, nothing has changed between us. I really care about you, Cheryl.”

“I know,” Cheryl said softly, nodding. “And… thank you. For being so supportive.”

Toni’s smiled stretched even wider. “No problem. And you know, I like this ‘thank you’ thing way better than the ‘sorry’ thing. Because you don’t owe anyone any apologies, and definitely not me.”

Cheryl laughed a little, bumping her shoe against Toni’s under the table gently. “Yeah.”

They ate in a comfortable silence after that, and once when they were finishing up their food did Toni say something again. “Oh—I bought us some champagne.” She jumped up and went into the kitchen, and Cheryl lifted an eyebrow.

“Are we celebrating something?” Cheryl wondered, as Toni grabbed the bottle of champagne and two glasses. She brought them back to the table and popped open the bottle expertly.

As she poured two glasses, she said, “I’m hoping so.”

“What?” Cheryl asked, totally confused.

“So, I don’t know if you were wondering why I finally got around to asking you what your last name was last weekend…” Toni trailed off as she sat back down across from Cheryl.

“Not really,” Cheryl answered, “I was kind of terrified that you were going to… I don’t know, look me up and find out about… you know.”

Toni gave Cheryl an apologetic smile, reaching out across the table and grabbing her hands. “Don’t worry, I wasn’t going to, and I didn’t. No, I was asking because, I was thinking about how we’ve been dating, more or less, for over a month. And… I was thinking about how you wanted to know why I’ve never decided that I was ready to call someone my girlfriend or my boyfriend. The truth is, I never really thought about why—it just wasn’t what I was comfortable with. But, obviously, you and I talked about that… and I was thinking about how maybe my fear stems much more from my own anxiety and insecurity than it does _logic_.”

Cheryl tilted her head a little as she listened to Toni talk.

“And last weekend… I was thinking about how I forgot about Valentine’s Day, and I know you said you didn’t care, and you said that again later… but I was also thinking about how you don’t deserve that. You deserve someone who is… ready to say they’re _yours_. You know, like in the girlfriend sort of way.”

Cheryl laughed a little at that, and Toni glared playfully at her. “Sorry,” Cheryl said with a smile, “continue.”

“And so, then on Saturday after you left to potentially tell Josie about this girl who you were dating—who you would not be referring to as your girlfriend—I thought… for a second, maybe you don’t deserve me—maybe you deserve _better_ than me.”

“Toni,” Cheryl interrupted, furrowing her eyebrows.

“Wait, hold on,” Toni insisted. “I said I thought that for a _second_. Then I realized that ever since that conversation, you didn’t even seem to mind that much. You let all the Valentine’s Day jokes slide at the party at Archie’s, and you let me take a body shot off of you in front of all my stupid friends, and Sweet Pea weirdly referred to us as a couple slash people who are dating, and you just… you didn’t care. And I think that was because you understood that I was scared and… you just respected that.

“And _then_ , finally, I realized… that maybe that’s exactly the reason why we deserve each other,” Toni said quietly. “Because I was there for you, even when I had no idea what was going on, and you were willing to just… be okay with the fact that I wasn’t ready to label us, even though I knew, without you explicitly saying it, that that’s what you wanted. So… I decided that I would ask you. To be my girlfriend. And _then_ I realized that I didn’t even know your last name yet, so obviously I needed to at least know that first.”

Cheryl laughed all of the sudden, realizing that the story finally did connect back to the question about her last name. “Oh my god,” Cheryl said through her laugher, her gaze fixing on Toni’s soft grin.

“So, Cheryl _Blossom_ , would you like to be my girlfriend?” Toni asked sweetly, squeezing Cheryl’s hands.

“Of course, Toni,” Cheryl returned, smile stuck on her face as a warmth spread through her entire body.

Toni grinned sheepishly, and she released Cheryl’s hands to grab her champagne glass. “Celebratory toast?”

Cheryl laughed, picking up her glass as well and toasting it with Toni’s before they both took a hearty drink of the champagne.

A little while later found them cuddled up in Toni’s bed, just holding each other and talking about lighthearted things that didn’t matter. It was peaceful and comforting. At some point, Toni picking up Cheryl’s right hand and ran her finger over her nails.

“You cut your nails.”

“Yeah, they were bothering me,” Cheryl lied, biting the inside of her lip. Toni propped herself up on her elbow and looking at Cheryl with a smirk.

“Bothering you, uh huh, okay.”

“That’s right,” Cheryl insisted, lifting an eyebrow and trying to keep her expression serious. “What do you think I cut them for?”

“Nothing,” Toni answered with a shrug, before grinning and leaning down to capture Cheryl’s lips in a soft kiss. Cheryl kissed her back, practically sighing with relief at the contact she hadn’t had in almost a week. She pulled Toni’s body practically on top of her, and Toni seemed to understand that she wanted more. Toni pressed her tongue deep into Cheryl’s mouth, getting a moan from the younger girl.

Cheryl’s hands tangled into pink, purple, and brown hair, and Toni’s right hand slipped underneath Cheryl’s shirt, moving up and grasping Cheryl’s covered breast, eliciting a soft moan from Cheryl. “Take it off,” Cheryl murmured into Toni’s lips.

“Take what off?” Toni wondered, pulling away a little.

“Everything,” Cheryl gasped out quietly.

Toni moaned, and started to tear both of their shirts off. In record time, both their tops and bras were gone, and Toni’s hands were at the waistband of Cheryl’s pants when she frozen, looking down at her. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Cheryl breathed out. “I want you, Toni.”

Toni bit down on her lower lip and started to pull down Cheryl’s leggings, leaving her in only underwear. Then, she slipped off her own pants, and they were both laying there, nearly completely naked. “You are so beautiful,” Toni whispered to Cheryl, who was suddenly pulling Toni down next to her. “Are you okay?”

Cheryl propped herself up on one arm and brought hand to Toni’s right hip, where Toni’s last tattoo was. It was a little heart, shaded in with the colors of the bi pride flag, pink, purple, and blue. “Cute,” she whispered softly, running her thumb over it.

“You know, for someone who doesn’t like tattoos, you seem to be pretty interested in mine,” Toni whispered.

“Well, I might be hesitant of getting permanent ink embedded onto my skin with a tiny needle,” Cheryl whispered, “but I never said that they weren’t beautiful. And pretty hot.”

Toni bit down on her lower lip, holding back a full grin. “Good to know.” She brought their lips back together, her fingers dancing atop Cheryl’s abs. Cheryl pulled Toni back on top of her, their bare legs tangling together atop the blankets. Toni dominated their kiss, her tongue delving deep past Cheryl’s lips. Cheryl moaned against her lips, her skin burning in every place Toni touched her.

Suddenly, Toni’s lips were on Cheryl’s neck, and Cheryl’s eyes just about rolled back into her head as she gasped. Toni’s tongue and lips trailed around her collarbone, to the tops of her breasts, and then to her left nipple. Cheryl tangled her hands into Toni’s hair as her back arched slightly. She felt wet heat pooling between her thighs, practically begging to be touched.

“Toni,” she pleaded. Toni released Cheryl’s nipple with a quiet ‘pop’ noise and started to trail wet kisses down across Cheryl’s firm abs. Cheryl took her own lower lip between her teeth, biting down as she experienced the feeling of reverie from Toni’s lips on her low stomach.

Toni looked up after a moment, as she brought her hands to the sides of Cheryl’s underwear. “Are you sure?” she asked for the second time.

“Yes,” Cheryl answered. She may have not realized that she was ready earlier, but Toni made her feel so safe and cared for, not to mention _wet_. Plus, she knew that she needed to let herself have this. “I’m sure, Toni, please…”

Toni nodded, slowly but surely pulling Cheryl’s underwear off of her. Before she did anything more, though, she removed her own panties, and Cheryl practically gaped at the beyond gorgeous woman above her. “You’re so beautiful,” Toni murmured, pressing some kisses on the inside of Cheryl’s thighs. Cheryl’s breathing was fast, realizing how close Toni was to her center.

But Toni wasn’t in a rush, as was made apparently but how much attention she gave to the areas around where Cheryl needed her. It was driving Cheryl crazy, and she was pretty sure that Toni knew that.

Finally, though, Toni’s took two of her fingers and pulled them through Cheryl’s folds, just barely putting any pressure on her clit, but eliciting a deep moan from Cheryl. “Fuck, Toni,” Cheryl murmured, her whole body feeling like it had been lit on fire.

Toni’s fingers explored Cheryl’s folds, teasing at her clit, for long enough that Cheryl got even more wet. Having never had anyone else touch her like this before, Cheryl was astounded at what Toni could make her feel.

And then finally, Toni’s fingers started to dip inside of Cheryl. “Just tell me if anything is too much, or doesn’t feel good,” Toni whispered, her lips then pressing a kiss to just near her clit.

“Okay,” Cheryl gasped out, her hands tangling into Toni’s hair. She gasped as she felt Toni suddenly filling her up, and Toni’s tongue pressed flat against her clit, shooting even more arousal through Cheryl’s body.

The minutes after that felt like a heavenly blur. Cheryl rocked into Toni’s fingers, as they curled and pulsed purposefully inside her. Toni’s tongue worked magic at the same time, and Cheryl felt herself becoming desperate. Her thighs squeezed around Toni’s head, and Toni’s free hand gripped the outside of her left thigh, her short nails digging into the pale skin. Cheryl made many ungodly sounds as she was driven closer and closer, and when she finally hit her climax, she cried out in ecstasy, before collapsing with relief against the mattress.

Toni kept her fingers inside of Cheryl as she trailed gentle kisses back up Cheryl’s body, bringing her lips back to Cheryl’s. Cheryl moaned as she tasted herself on Toni’s lips, a feeling of contentedness filling her chest.

After a few minutes of soft kisses, Toni finally pulled her fingers out of Cheryl slowly. Cheryl groaned at the feeling of emptiness, and Toni chuckled a little, her lips hovering over Cheryl’s. “So… felt good?”

“Fuck yes,” Cheryl breathed out.

Toni grinned, before kissing Cheryl again. As they got lost in each other’s lips, Cheryl moved her hands to Toni’s sides, dragging down and touching her waist and thighs. Toni hummed, and Cheryl gathered the energy she had left and used it to sit up, gripping Toni’s thighs and pulling her into her lap. Toni continued to kiss her deeply, and Cheryl could feel her wet heat on her thighs.

Cheryl moaned, still gripping Toni’s thighs. She felt a new wave of energy flow through her, and as she took control of the kiss, she picked Toni up for long enough to turn and lower her on the bed. Toni gasped at the movement, looking up at Cheryl with wide eyes with blown pupils. “Damn,” Toni murmured.

Now, it was Cheryl’s turn to explore Toni’s body. The crook of her neck, her collarbone, her gorgeous boobs. Cheryl took time to kiss the tattoos on her arms, and the little one on the side of her ribs. Then she kissed all the way down to Toni’s abdomen. Toni was making her own sounds of wanting and desperation now, and they fueled Cheryl’s journey of exploration.

She pressed a kiss into the heart tattoo on her lower hip, and then brought her mouth to Toni’s thighs. Her own heart was racing as she felt the heat radiating from Toni’s center. She wasn’t sure that she was ready to bring her lips any closer to it, but she didn’t waste any more time before pressing two fingers into Toni’s folds.

Toni moaned, her hands pulling at Cheryl’s hair. Cheryl started to kiss back up Toni’s body a little, as she let her fingers explore around Toni’s opening. Her lips came to wrap around Toni’s left nipple, nibbling at it enough to make Toni’s back arch a little. She tried that same thing again while slowly sliding one finger inside of Toni, who gasped and then made a slight whimper noise.

Toni was so wet, Cheryl was realizing, and so Cheryl slid a second finger inside of her. Toni grinded into her fingers, and Cheryl rotated her hand so that her thumb could find Toni’s clit, teasing it gingerly. “Fuck, baby,” Toni gasped out, her fingernails digging into Cheryl’s scalp. Cheryl moved her lips from Toni’s nipple and to the skin her of her breast, sucking a kiss into it. Toni moaned, and Cheryl wanted nothing more than to see Toni come.

So she pressed her fingers even deeper inside of her and started pulsing in and out the way Toni had. She pressed her thumb to Toni’s clit, and she pulled her head back so she could look up at Toni’s face. Her eyebrows were knit together as if in intense concentration, and her skin was shining with sweat.

As Cheryl continued to work her up, Toni’s breathing quickened, and the sounds she was making were enough to make Cheryl feel like she could come again herself.

After some time of the movements, Cheryl experimented with curling her fingers inside of Toni, and that was what did it, Toni hitting her climax and clinging to Cheryl as she cried out in pleasure. Cheryl didn’t stop with her movements, watching with amazement as Toni came, and when she finally did go a little limp, breathing heavily, Cheryl slowed and then stilled her fingers.

“You…” Toni breathed out, her eyes flickering open slowly. “You are alarmingly good at that.”

Cheryl laughed softly, biting down on her lower lip.

“Come here and kiss me,” Toni murmured, and Cheryl didn’t hesitate.

* * *

It was maybe an hour later when they were entirely spent for the night, and Cheryl was laying on her back, her skin sticky with sweat. Toni was laying next to her, flat on her stomach, with her head turned toward Cheryl. Her fingers were twisting lazily into red locks of hair, and Cheryl was still slowing her breathing.

When her breaths were coming evenly, Cheryl rolled onto her side to face Toni, her eyes drawn to the snake ribbon tattoo on her upper back. She brought her fingers to the image, tracing her finger along the snake turned ribbon. Toni’s eyes fell closed, a content look on her face. “Why this one?” Cheryl wondered.

Toni hummed for a second. “I got it first year of college. It’s something terrifying turning into something beautiful.”

“I love that,” Cheryl murmured, wondering if Toni had gotten it to represent how she viewed herself, deciding to try and be better than her traumas wanted to make her. Her fingers slid to Toni’s arm, touching the flowers that wrapped around the outside of it. “This one?”

“Daisies,” Toni answered, smiling a little. “They’re my birth flower, and my mom always bought them to decorate the table on my birthday.”

Cheryl smiled, too, and touched the last one she didn’t know the meaning for—the crescent moon above the flowers. “And this one?”

Toni’s smile widened. “Free Friday the Thirteenth tattoo. They had limited options.”

Cheryl rolled her eyes, but she still wore a smile on her face. “Of course. Guess I couldn’t expect that all of your permanent skin ink had deep meaning.” Toni chuckled, opening her eyes again and rolling onto her side. Her warm gaze searched Cheryl’s face for a moment.

“You’re incredible, Cheryl,” she said, after a moment.

Cheryl smiled, her cheeks reddening. “You don’t have to butter me up. We already slept together.”

Toni laughed at the joke, and then wrapped her arms around Cheryl, pulling her close. “I just want to make sure that you know it,” Toni murmured quietly, nuzzling her nose into Cheryl’s cheek.

* * *

Cheryl’s phone ringing is what woke both her and Toni on Saturday morning. Cheryl groaned as she pulled her sore body up enough to reach over Toni and grab her phone from the nightstand. It was a call from Josie, and so she answered it despite Toni’s groan of protest.

“Hey, Jos,” Cheryl said, her voice low and scratchy from sleep. “What’s up?”

“Okay, someone just woke up,” Josie teased. “You’re usually such an early riser. Anyway, so I was thinking that you, me, and Toni should get together today. Mostly because I’m impatient and I want to officially re-meet her. Also, my dad is still in town and he wanted to hang out with me today, but I told him I had plans, which was a lie. So I need plans now, so my mom doesn’t see me around the house.”

Cheryl cleared her throat a little, resting back onto the pillow and rubbing her eyes. “Okay, umm…” Cheryl blinked a few times, glancing at Toni, who was even less awake than her. “Toni usually works till at least five or six…”

“Ugh,” Josie whined, “but I need plans in like, an hour.”

Cheryl sighed. “Well, we can do something. And then maybe we can meet up with Toni after.”

Toni finally forced her eyes open. “What?” she murmured.

“Josie wants to hang out today,” Cheryl answered. “What time are you done working?”

“I can probably leave at six if I manage to get there by eleven,” Toni answered.

“It’s ten,” Cheryl observed, glancing at her phone.

“Yeah okay, then six,” Toni said.

“Okay, Jos. I can meet you somewhere in an hour, and then Toni will be free tonight at six,” Cheryl said, stretching her arms above her head. “Just text me wherever you want to meet.”

“Okay,” Josie agreed, sounding pleased. “Well, I’ll let you wake up some more while I decide what we’re doing. Love you! Tell Toni I say hi!”

“Love you too,” Cheryl said with a chuckle, before hanging up the call and dropping her phone on the bed next to her. “Josie says hi.”

“Mm,” Toni murmured, grabbing Cheryl and pulling her closer. Cheryl laughed a little.

“We should get up, Toni.”

“Ugh. Fine.”

After they dragged themselves out of bed and got dressed and cleaned up—and Cheryl had done the best makeup she could with Toni’s stuff—they walked out of the bedroom and into the living area, where Veronica was seated at the table with her apparently typical bowl of oatmeal.

“Good morning,” Veronica greeted brightly, looking up at the two of them. “Wow, Cheryl. You look _chipper_ this morning.”

“Chipper?” Cheryl and Toni asked at the same time.

“Peppy, upbeat?”

“Yeah, I know what chipper means,” Cheryl said with a laugh. Toni went into the kitchen and started grabbing things for cereal. Cheryl just leaned against the counter, noticing that Toni seemed to be getting food for both of them.

Veronica rolled her eyes. “I’m just saying. There’s typically one sort of universal thing that almost always guarantees a woman looking extra chipper in the morning.”

“Ugh,” Toni muttered, “Veronica, you’re being so creepy.”

“What? I’m just feeling super left out because you don’t talk to me about your love life anymore,” Veronica whined.

“Well, does us talking about my love life have to make my girlfriend uncomfortable?” Toni asked.

Veronica’s eyebrows shot up, and she looked at Cheryl in surprise. Toni didn’t seem to notice, since she was focusing on pouring cereal, but Cheryl felt her cheeks warm up. She gave Veronica a smile, and the black haired girl returned it after a moment. “Interesting development,” Veronica commented.

Toni looked up, apparently realizing what she’d said and the fact that it had surprised Veronica. “Oh. Yeah.”

Cheryl bit back a grin as she sat down on the opposite side of the table from Veronica, leaving the spot opposite Veronica for Toni, who came over with two bowls of cereal. “Well, I for one am happy to hear that you two are happy. And also, my ears are happy that I didn’t get home until super late last night, presumably after you two passed out after doing whatever _mysterious_ thing it is that’s making Cheryl seem extra chipper.”

Cheryl blushed as Toni just rolled her eyes. “Yeah, what’d you do after your group project thing last night?”

“I had some fun of my own,” Veronica answered with a grin.

“With who?” Toni wondered.

“Just someone.”

Toni rolled her eyes. “Does that mean Reggie?” Cheryl’s eyes widened a little as she noticed Veronica get an annoyed look on her face suddenly. “What?” Toni asked. “You wanted to talk about love lives.”

“Reggie and I—we aren’t—we haven’t—” Veronica groaned. “Ugh. Never mind, whatever.”

“You know I wouldn’t judge if you did, though,” Toni offered. Veronica just sighed.

“I should probably get ready to go to campus. Lots of homework to do.”

Toni sighed as Veronica got up and disappeared into her bedroom. “Okay, I swear I didn’t mean to piss her off.”

Cheryl shrugged. “Is she doing okay?”

“I think this semester is really getting to her,” Toni answered. “I’ll talk to her more later, it’s fine.”

After breakfast, they left the apartment, and gave each other a quick kiss goodbye before going their separate ways for the day.

* * *

Since six in the evening was a bit too late for coffee, Josie chose for Cheryl to meet her at their usual Starbucks for her coffee of the day. Cheryl made it there just after eleven, and found her best friend waiting at one of the little tables, already having ordered two drinks and two pastries.

Cheryl smiled as she joined Josie at the table. “Morning,” she greeted.

“Good morning,” Josie answered, “you sound much more awake.”

“Sorry, you woke me up,” Cheryl admitted, taking a long sip from her coffee cup.

“Fun night?” Josie asked teasingly.

Cheryl blushed, opening the little bag with the pastry Josie had gotten for her. “Toni asked me to be her girlfriend last night,” she answered, rather than admitting anything dirtier.

“Oh my gosh, yes! That’s so awesome, girl,” Josie exclaimed. “I am so happy for you.”

Cheryl smiled a little. “Yeah, me too.” She took a bite of the croissant she found in the bag and then sighed a little. “I feel a little like I’m waiting for something like last weekend, though.”

“What?” Josie asked.

“I had this massive panic attack in _front_ of Toni,” Cheryl mumbled. “It was the worst one I’d ever had and… I feel so happy right now, and I’m just waiting for it to hit me that…”

“That what?” Josie wondered softly.

Cheryl sighed. “I get to be this happy, but Jason doesn’t.”

“Oh, girl. Jason loved you more than he loved anyone. He would want you to be living your best life, happy as all hell,” Josie insisted. “Trust me. You know, there was this one time that I never told you about, because he asked me not to. We were all thirteen, and we were playing some board game. And you were having the _worst_ day, I don’t even remember why. I was trying to cheer you up by playing music you liked while we played, but it didn’t seem to be working. And Jason was winning this game, but all the sudden, he was completely being obliterated by you—and I didn’t even see how it was possible, but you were getting so happy. Afterward, you suggested ice cream and ran downstairs to grab some, and I asked Jason if he threw the game. He told me that he would lose a thousand games to get you to smile on a bad day.”

Cheryl didn’t notice the tear escaping her eye until it rolled down at her cheek, at which point she quickly wiped it away, sniffing. “Really?”

“He would be so happy that you survived last semester, Cher. He wouldn’t want you to feel guilty about living,” Josie promised, reaching out and grabbing Cheryl’s hand, squeezing it reassuringly.

Cheryl smiled. “Well… I’ll do my best to convince myself of that.”

“If you need any reminders, I probably have more stories where that came from.”

* * *

Josie took Cheryl out to a movie—a bad one that they talked shit about, because none of the things in the theater sounded actually interesting—and then they got a late lunch afterward. And when Toni texted Cheryl a little before six, asking what they were doing when she got off, they decided to meet at a park about halfway between campus and Cheryl’s house.

Cheryl was strangely not nervous, she supposed it was because Toni and Josie had already met each other, and it was nice. Somehow, though, Toni was even less nervous than her. Cheryl was starting to realize that Toni was just great with people. She greeted Josie like a friend and made a joke about their last meeting, and it was so relaxing.

Cheryl had brought takeout from her late lunch with Josie for Toni, knowing that her girlfriend wouldn’t have eaten yet. So they sat out at this park while Toni ate, and she and Josie got to know each other a little more. At some point, Josie was talking about cheer, and she gasped a little all of the sudden.

“Oh my gosh, Toni, you should totally come to our sectional’s competition next Friday afternoon!” she exclaimed.

Toni lifted an eyebrow at Cheryl, who gave her a small smile. She didn’t usually invite anyone to cheer competitions except for Jason, so she hadn’t even though to ask Toni if she wanted to go. “Yeah, it’s next Friday, I think at like five or six. It’s actually close to Eastwood’s campus, right, Jos?”

“Yep,” Josie confirmed. “You should totally come, Toni. Come on, don’t you wanna see Cher in the uniform?”

Toni laughed at that as Cheryl blushed, smacking Josie’s arm playfully. “Shut up,” she groaned.

“I’m totally down to come,” Toni said with an enthusiastic nod, “if you want me to.”

“Yeah,” Cheryl confirmed, smiling at her girlfriend.

Cheryl was totally right about Toni and Josie getting along. It probably helped that Josie never ran out of things to talk about, but Toni always had something to say in return or some story to tell. Cheryl actually found herself getting lost in listening to two of the most important people in her life interacting so easily. It just felt like… relief.

At some point, Josie announced that she should probably head home, and she thanked Toni for meeting up with them and told Cheryl to call her tomorrow. As Josie walked off, Cheryl turned to Toni, who was grinning at her.

“So that went well, right?”

“Mmhmm,” Cheryl confirmed, smiling.

Toni grinned at her. “So, what’s your plan tonight?”

Cheryl let out a breath. “I haven’t been home in like, twenty-four hours.”

“So you wanna go home?” Toni asked.

“Not at all. But I need to like, change clothes.”

“Well, how about you go home, change clothes, get whatever overnight stuff you need, and come back to mine?” Toni suggested, wrapping her arms around Cheryl’s waist and sliding her hands into Cheryl’s back pockets. “Or will your parents be pissed?”

“I’m pretty sure they’ve shifted back into their ‘don’t care about anything I do’ selves,” Cheryl answered. “Which was typical before… you know. But are you sure you don’t mind? And Veronica won’t mind?”

“Yeah, it’s totally fine. I don’t get to see you like, all week, she can’t complain about you spending the nights on the weekends,” Toni insisted.

“Did you end up talking to her about what happened this morning?” Cheryl wondered, tilting her head.

“Yeah, I called her between appointments today. She actually admitted that she is _maybe_ having a thing with Reggie. No surprise there. But it sounds like it really is just casual, and she doesn’t want it to be a big thing. So I guess that’s fair.”

“And… is she like, so totally shocked that we’re, you know, officially girlfriends?”

Toni blew out a breath. “Yeah, she’s definitely surprised. And… she has a few _concerns_ , but I talked to her about them, so it’s fine.”

“Concerns?” Cheryl asked, before suddenly remembering her brief conversation with Veronica at the frat party a few weeks ago, when she’d asked Veronica about Toni, and Veronica had proceeded to warn her not to hurt her. “Oh—wait. About me going to college. Yeah, she expressed those to me a while back.”

Toni looked a little confused about that, but she nodded. “Yeah. That’s it. But I’m not worried about it, so don’t worry. Plus, Princeton is like, only an hour away from here.” She smiled sweetly. “And Veronica really does like you, I swear. The whole group does. She just cares about me.”

“I know,” Cheryl said with a smile. “Okay, well… I guess I should head home and get my things for tonight.”

“Okay,” Toni said with a smile. “I’ll see you back at mine soon then?”

“Yep.”

Toni leaned closer and pressed her lips softly to Cheryl’s, and then pulled out of the embrace completely. They went their separate ways, Toni hopping back on her motorcycle and heading back to her place, and Cheryl heading back to her parents’ house, both of them looking forward to another night together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeeee :D  
> We're almost done with this story, only 2 chapters left! ;-; But the good news is that I have the Toni POV of What A Time to post, and also uhhh I started a new Choni fanfic on Monday and it already has like 47,000 words.... so that's fun lmao! More on that on my Twitter @ToriWrtsStories if you're interested :D  
> But yes, we have a few more points to wrap up in this story in the next two chapters. I've very much appreciated all the love from you guys and hope that you will enjoy the final stretch here <3 Have a lovely weekend everyone!


	12. you got this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheryl's cheer competition brings up a few memories and some anxiety for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good afternoon friends, happy Monday! Why not start off our weeks with an update, hm?
> 
> I think this goes without saying, but I realized that I should probably mention that I am NOT a therapist, and that the therapy sessions in this story have been a mix of my own experience and research that I've done. I don't have PTSD, so I did a lot of research on it throughout this story, but obviously if you're struggling with PTSD or any kind of mental health things, you should definitely reach out to a therapist or psychiatrist. I hope I've represented it well through this story, but I know that all experiences are different and I wanted to make it clear that I do not have first hand experience with most of what Cheryl was struggling with throughout this story.
> 
> With that, the TW for this chapter: Therapy, discussion of medication, flashbacks, nightmares, panic, discussion of survivor's guilt.
> 
> Enjoy lovelies!

“How are you tolerating them so far?” Dr. Rhodes asked.

“Fine, I think,” Cheryl answered. “Had a couple stomach aches, but nothing too bad.”

“That’s good to hear. I do hope that they start to help make it easier for you to continue to cope and adjust,” Dr. Rhodes said with a smile. “So, how has the past week been?”

“Actually, not very bad?” Cheryl admitted. “It took me a couple days after the weekend to get back to feeling like myself, but then since then it’s been pretty good. I’ve been talking to Josie about Jason more, and I came out to her about Toni. And having Toni know about Jason has been… fine. Probably better, even.”

Dr. Rhodes smiled. “That’s really good to hear, Cheryl.”

“Yeah,” Cheryl said with a nod. “I keep feeling like I’m waiting to break again, though.” She let out a long breath. “I had a nightmare last night. Not a horrible one, but it woke me up for a little bit in the middle of the night. Just a reminder that it’s not all good.”

“You know, it might be a long time before it’s ‘all good,’” Dr. Rhodes said. “It might never be ‘all good.’ You went through a seriously traumatic incident, and an epic loss. That kind of thing leaves its mark on someone. But even if you can’t make it all better… you can learn to cope and deal with your negative emotions in a healthier way. And I really think you’re on the path there.”

Cheryl nodded, hoping that Dr. Rhodes was right about that. “I talked to Josie about… feeling a little guilty about being so happy. She told me that he would want me to be happy, that that was always so important to him. And I know, logically, that she’s right. But how do I convince myself of that? Like, even though I shouldn’t feel guilty when I’m thinking levelly, when I get overwhelmed or panicked, I can’t shake the guilt and—and… you know, that overwhelming feeling that I don’t deserve it.”

Dr. Rhodes hummed. “Yeah, that’s a hard feeling. Knowing that you understand something, and your emotions taking control and making you feel differently. There’s not a clear-cut answer to your question, though. You know, you can tell yourself the truth when you can. One thing that the meds might help with is that they may make it easier for you to reason with yourself when you start to feel the emotions taking control. When you have that horrible feeling in your chest and it’s telling you that you don’t deserve this great thing, then you might have an easier time working out that that is just part of your survivor’s guilt and PTSD and understand that it’s not necessarily true. That’s the thing that is so hard about PTSD and depression and all these things—it becomes hard to convince yourself that what’s going on in your head isn’t true or isn’t real. We make things worse than they are or feel truer than they are.”

Cheryl blew out a slow breath. “Yeah, that sounds pretty accurate.”

“But again, I really do feel like you’re doing pretty well, Cheryl. And as long as you keep working on it, you can keep your symptoms under control,” Dr. Rhodes assured her. Cheryl gave her therapist a smile and a nod. She really hoped that Dr. Rhodes was right.

* * *

**Toni – Remind me to make sure that you never take 18 hours in college. I think it might be killing Veronica.**

**Cheryl – Well, I probably won’t be double majoring, so that’ll probably help. Is Veronica okay?**

**Toni – I hope so. I’m pretty sure she hasn’t slept since Sunday afternoon? Literally don’t think she slept yesterday at all. We have midterms starting next week, so things are getting intense for her. Meanwhile, I have one test and one digital art project due. My other two classes don’t have midterms lol.**

**Toni – Also Archie is throwing a pre-midterms party this weekend, on Saturday, which is probably kind of dumb. And Veronica is going, which is super dumb. I think she’s going to replace sleeping with partying to cope with how much she is kicking her ass studying this week.**

**Cheryl – Yikes. Yeah, that does sound like sort of a bad idea.**

**Toni – Yeah. But oh, you’re invited of course. Also, you should totally invite Josie if you want to.**

**Cheryl – Yeah?**

**Toni – Yeah! I mean, you don’t have to, but I thought it would be fun.**

**Cheryl – Okay :) I’m glad that you like Josie.**

**Toni – She’s really sweet, she seems like a really good friend. Also she kind of never stops talking which is kind of weird and kind of awesome.**

**Cheryl – You somehow never ran out of things to say in response to her, so you’re one to talk.**

**Toni – Lmfao I guess that’s true.**

**Toni – Ugh okay I have to go to class. Oh, but don’t forget to text me the address of your cheer competition before Friday!**

**Cheryl – Okay, yeah, I’ll get it from Josie.**

**Toni – Talk to you later, babe!**

**Cheryl – Have a good class!**

* * *

The week was flying by, which felt sort of nice compared to previous weeks that Cheryl felt like she’d barely made it through. However, the reason for it going so fast was _cheer practice_. Starting from Monday, the squad had been having an extra practice right after school, which meant practicing for at least three hours a day. Cheryl was just grateful that she’d never fully stopped cheering during the past few months, because once she got her head in the routine, she had no issues with stamina.

Cheryl wasn’t usually one to worry about her own capability at competition, and that was no different this year. No, Cheryl had usually just obsessed over her team, making sure that they were completely ready to compete. Since Josie was technically head cheerleader, though, it just meant that the rest of the team was receiving double the instruction and double the drilling.

It left Cheryl exhausted at the end of every school day though, and after spending a few hours doing homework after getting home in the afternoons, plus managing to eat something for dinner, she was completely ready to pass out. Thankfully, she’d been able to also text Toni in between everything, which was always calming.

On Thursday at lunch, Cheryl remembered that she was supposed to invite Josie to the party at Archie’s this weekend.

“Hey, Jos,” Cheryl said, drawing Josie’s gaze away from the routine notes she was reading over. “So some of Toni’s friends are having a party on Saturday—it’s at this guy Archie’s apartment, right by the Eastwood campus. I’m going, do you want to come with?”

Josie’s face lit up. “Uh, hell yeah! I’m definitely going to need a reprieve after tomorrow and drinking with college students is sure to do it. I’m in.”

“Cool. I think you’ll like Toni’s friends. They play a lot of drinking games, though, so don’t be surprised if you get dragged into some.”

“I like a good drinking game,” Josie said with a grin. “I’m ready to meet them.”

Cheryl smiled at the idea of her best friend meeting all of Toni’s friends.

When practice on Thursday ended, Cheryl actually didn’t have any homework to rush home and do, so she stayed in the gym a little longer, running through the routine by herself a few times. She played music from her phone as she got lost in the movements. Her entire mind felt focused on sectional’s, and when she finally stopped practicing over and over, she thought back to last year’s sectionals. She had been pushing the squad harder than ever. They’d gone to nationals the year before, but things hadn’t been looking at good that year. And Jason had reassured her that they would make it to regionals and then nationals with no issues. He’d been at sectionals, watching them cheer and assuring them that they did amazing. But then they hadn’t placed high enough and didn’t even end up going to regionals.

Cheryl had made a big speech about how the next year, they _had_ to get to nationals.

And when the coach had asked her to step down from head cheerleader in the fall, she had been devastated at the idea that she wouldn’t be able to lead the team to victory. But Josie had offered to take over immediately, as if she knew that Cheryl would disapprove of anyone else giving her direction. Josie had since been doing an amazing job at keeping the team together and motivating them, and now, the day before sectionals, Cheryl was feeling pretty confident.

On her way out of the gym, she took a detour to head toward the glass display of football trophies. She had intentionally not walked past it since Jason’s memorial had been added, but now she went to it and sat against the wall opposite it, staring at his varsity jacket, and the picture of him next to it.

Above the jacket and the picture was a quote about never giving up and shit, and Cheryl let her eyes fall closed as she heard Jason telling her that she could do this. That the team could do this. That they had it in the bag.

* * *

The sound of a horrible crash woke Cheryl up in the middle of that night, her body covered in a cold sweat. She heard rain, and breaking glass, and herself screaming.

She tried to suck in a deep breath, but it was too short.

The sounds were in her head, just in her head. Just a nightmare, just a flashback.

Cheryl was shaking as she reached for her phone. She pressed her thumb into the button to activate Siri and managed to ask the phone to call Toni Topaz. She barely heard the phone ringing, the sound of the crash still feeling so real.

“Baby?” Toni murmured sleepily from the phone.

“T-Toni,” Cheryl managed to say, before trying to take in a deep breath.

Toni suddenly sounded more alert, “Cheryl? Are you okay?”

“N-N-Nightmare,” Cheryl muttered.

“It’s okay, Cher, it’s okay, just breathe,” Toni said. “Can I breathe with you?” Cheryl nodded, and although she gave no verbal answer, Toni started to take in deep breaths anyway. Cheryl squeezed her eyes shut, trying to follow the guiding breath.

They sat like that on the phone for about five minutes, and then finally, Cheryl’s breathing was more even, and the sound of the crash was no longer in her ears. “Thank you,” Cheryl whispered.

“No problem,” Toni insisted. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just… the usual,” Cheryl muttered, curling up in her bed. “I wonder if these meds will actually make the nightmares happen less often.”

“I hope so,” Toni said softly, “but I’m glad that you called me.”

“Me too,” Cheryl murmured. “Um… can you stay on the phone for a few minutes?”

“Yeah, of course,” Toni assured her. “Of course.”

“I can’t believe how real they feel,” Cheryl whispered. “It’s like I’m… I’m back there, every time.”

“I’m so sorry, Cher. I wish I was there right now.”

Cheryl took in a breath. “Me too.” They sat on the phone in silence for a few minutes, Cheryl just appreciating the fact that Toni was there in case she needed her. Finally, though, Cheryl felt like she could probably fall back asleep. “Okay, I think I should try and sleep again. Sorry for waking you up, Toni.”

“Don’t apologize, it’s okay. I hope you sleep a little better, babe.”

“Thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Of course, I’ll be there.”

“Okay. Goodnight, Toni.”

“Night, Cher.”

* * *

The nightmare was affecting Cheryl on Friday more than she was expecting. She found herself feeling anxious from the very beginning of the day, and practice was less effective at distracting her than usual. She spent the school day trying not to think about the previous night or the upcoming competition, because she was sure that the competition was mildly making her anxieties worse.

She had a harder time concentrating on things Josie was saying during lunch, and she ended up taking a bathroom break during fifth period to call Toni, just to hear her voice in the hopes that it would make her feel a little calmer. Unfortunately, it didn’t do much.

When school ended, the cheer team met up in the gyms to practice a little before the bus would arrive to take them to sectionals. Cheryl, though, texted Josie that she would be a little late, and she went outside for some fresh air. Thankfully, it was a sunny day, and after about ten minutes of sitting out there, she thought she felt pretty much better.

So she showed up to practice and ran the routine, feeling a little more like herself.

The bus came to pick them up at four. Josie and Cheryl took the frontmost seat, next to the one where their coach and chaperone sat. Josie took out her phone and forced Cheryl to take a selfie with her, and then proceeded to send it to Toni, who responded with heart eyes and a party emoji.

“You two are so cute,” Josie said with a shake of her head. Cheryl smiled in response, but she felt a little faraway. Everyone on the bus was buzzing with excitement and nerves, and Cheryl felt that in the pit of her stomach a little, but there was just something else she was feeling, and she hoped that she wasn’t right about what it was.

They got to the stadium at four-thirty and were brought to the room they would be waiting in until it was their turn to perform at six. Some of the girls ate light and healthy snacks, some practiced the routine, pretty much everyone was chugging Gatorades. Cheryl was trying to listen to Josie talk about… whatever it was she was talking about, but Cheryl was starting to feel a tightness in her chest.

When Toni texted that she was leaving the tattoo shop a little after five and asking if she should come early or wait a bit, Cheryl immediately responded that she should come early, and she included directions on how to get to the room where the team was. Technically, random visitors weren’t exactly allowed, but Cheryl needed to see Toni.

It was five-thirty before Toni made it, parked, and found the room, and as soon as Cheryl saw her poking her head in the room, she jumped up. “Cher?” Josie asked.

“Sorry, just…” Cheryl shook her head, and started for the door, where Josie must’ve looked and seen Toni, but she didn’t follow or ask any questions.

Cheryl slipped out of the room and took in a breath, leaning against the wall and closing her eyes. “Are you okay?” Toni asked immediately. “Okay, stupid question—what’s wrong?”

“I just, I don’t know why but I feel like I’m going to break out in a panic any second, a-a-and we have to perform in thirty minutes and I-I-I—”

Toni quickly wrapped Cheryl up in her arms, squeezing her tightly. “Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Toni whispered.

“I don’t know why this is happening,” Cheryl whispered. “Maybe I’m just nervous?”

“Maybe,” Toni answered, although she didn’t exactly sound convinced.

Josie suddenly appeared in the hallway. “Hey, everything okay, Cher?”

Cheryl pulled away from Toni and took in the deepest breath she could. “Sorry, I’m just… feeling kind of panicky, and I don’t know why.” Toni grabbed her hand, squeezing it tightly.

“Are you nervous about cheering? I know you haven’t cheered at an event or a game since…” Josie trailed off, and Cheryl shrugged.

“Yeah, maybe. But I’ve been just feeling like this all day,” she muttered. “And I can’t… I can’t mess this up today. I need us to make it past sectionals. W-We didn’t last year, a-and I told everyone last year that we would do it. And J-Jason… he said we could do it and we didn’t, and I need to prove that we actually can. H-He might not get to see it, but I need us to do this.”

Toni frowned, wrapping her arms around Cheryl again, and pressing a kiss to her exposed shoulder.

“I get it, Cher,” Josie said softly. “You know, I didn’t want to do this head cheerleader thing. Obviously, I’m loving it now, but I only did it so that you could basically be in charge again whenever you were ready to. And… I really want us to do this too, girl. And I know that it’s different this year, not having Jason cheering you on in the stands, the way you always did at his games. But he’s here,” Josie said, touching the left side of Cheryl’s chest gently. “He wanted this for us.”

Cheryl swallowed thickly and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah…”

Suddenly, another cheerleader was poking her head out, looking at Josie. “Hey Jos, coach says we need to start lining up and heading toward the stadium.” Cheryl felt a lump in her throat.

“Okay, give us one second,” Josie said to the girl, who nodded and ducked back into the room.

“Listen, Cher,” Toni said softly, drawing Cheryl’s gaze. “You can do this. You have practiced so hard for this, literally you were exhausted all week because you wanted this to be perfect. And it’s going to be, okay? And I’m going to be in those stands—if you can’t find me, just listen, I’ll probably be the one screaming like a total idiot.” That got Cheryl to smile a little. “And as for Jason,” Toni said softly, “you know he would be so proud of you. I know that I didn’t know him, but… I know that much.”

“She’s right, Cher,” Josie agreed. “JJ would be so proud of you. Of us. We can do this.”

Cheryl nodded, and took in one more deep breath. “Okay,” she whispered. “Yeah, okay. We can do this.” Toni grinned, taking a small step back.

“Well I better go grab a seat, so I can witness your squad absolutely destroying all the other ones.”

“You haven’t even been watching all the other ones,” Cheryl joked as best as she could.

Josie chuckled. “Well, she’ll be watching the best one,” she said, winking at Cheryl a little, as Toni grinned. “Okay, I’m gonna get everyone ready. You ready, Cher?”

“Yeah,” Cheryl said with a nod. Josie opened the door and started back in, and as Cheryl followed her, Toni grabbed her wrist gently and brought her lips to her ear.

“You’re going to do great, babe. Also, you look really fucking hot in that uniform.”

Cheryl felt a blush come to her cheeks, and she stared at Toni as the pink haired girl pulled away with a grin and a wink and started walking off. Cheryl bit down on her bottom lip a little and finally followed Josie back into the room.

The walk from the room with all their stuff to the stadium felt long and short at the same time, and when they got there, and could hear the music of the squad going before them, Cheryl felt her heart pounding in her ears.

_You got this. You can do this._

She told it to herself over and over, hearing it in her own voice, Toni’s voice, and Jason’s voice. And when they could hear applause for the team that had just finished, Cheryl stood up straight and took in a deep breath, feeling oddly centered.

Josie reached out and grabbed Cheryl’s hand, squeezing it tightly, as the doors to the stadium opened and they were ushered out by the people working the competition. They walked to the center of the stadium, standing in their formation. Cheryl found her eyes scanning the sparse crowd—sectionals was never that popular for people to come and watch—looking not for the red hair she would’ve looked for last year, but for the head of pink and purple hair that belonged to her girlfriend.

She spotted her a little to the right of the center. When they made eye contact, Toni gave her a huge grin and two thumbs up. Cheryl felt warmth in her chest, and she glanced to her right at Josie, who gave her a smile.

There was a moment of stillness before the music started, and Cheryl could hear her heart beating in her ears.

_You got this_.

When the music started, everything was automatic, and for the first time all day, Cheryl felt the routine take control of her body, all other thoughts wiped from her head.

And before she knew it, it was over, and the crowd was applauding—and one crazy pink haired college girl was screaming out cheers, and Cheryl could’ve cried from the happiness of having gotten through it.

They went back to their room, and Toni followed them there, showing up a few minutes after them and wrapping Cheryl up in a hug. No one seemed to really question who Toni was or why she was there—or if she was allowed to be back there—which Cheryl appreciated.

They waited around for another hour, and Cheryl put some food in her for the first time since lunch. Toni seemed to be confused about why they were all just waiting around, until she realized that at seven, each team would find out if they qualified to move onto regionals in a couple weeks.

And at seven, some of the competition staff came in and handed some documents to the coach, saying something softly to her that no one else heard, despite everyone going silent as soon as the door had opened. When the staff came walked out, the coach looked over the documents, nodding slowly.

“Alright ladies,” she said, “don’t get too excited, but we’re going to regionals!”

The entire room broke out in cheers all of the sudden, and Cheryl grabbed Josie in a hug. As soon as she pulled away from her best friend, she was being pulled into Toni’s grasp, where she absolutely just melted. They did it, and she had made it through the day.

* * *

Later that night, Cheryl and Toni laid naked in Toni’s bed, after a night of self-care, a bubble bath for Cheryl and then some face masks that Toni had picked up on her way home, and some much needed sex. It had been the perfect end to a very stressful but rewarding day, and Cheryl had been absolutely in awe when Toni revealed that she’d gotten them self-care activities while Cheryl had been being brought back to the school after the competition. Toni was playing with some of Cheryl’s hair, and Cheryl was laying on her chest, just listening to the soft beating of her heart.

“So,” Toni said softly after a while, “I was going to bring this up earlier this week, but I ended up not because I could tell you were tired from all the practice.”

Cheryl looked up at her girlfriend. “Hmm?”

“I talked to Veronica some more—after you mentioned last weekend that she’d expressed her concerns about you possibly going off to college,” Toni said.

“Oh,” Cheryl murmured.

“I didn’t realize when that was, and she told me it was at the frat party, when you were thinking about what we were and the label stuff.”

“Yeah,” Cheryl confirmed. “She got kind of protective, but I think she felt bad afterward.”

“Yeah. Well, I talked to her this week and asked her about that, and she got all protective best friend and stuff,” Toni explained, “but eventually she said that she obviously trusts me to make the best decisions for myself, and she told me that she never wanted to make you feel bad or anything like that.”

“I know,” Cheryl said, letting her eyes fall closed and burying her face into Toni’s neck.

“And… I was going to ask you if you’d gotten any college acceptance letters?” Toni wondered.

“Oh. No. I’m expecting them soon, though,” Cheryl answered, wrapping her arms tightly around Toni. “Even if they all say yes, though, I don’t know what I’ll decide to do.”

“Mm.” Toni continued to stroke Cheryl’s hair, and Cheryl could tell that she wanted to say something, but she didn’t push when she didn’t. “Okay.”

“What time do you think it is?”

“Probably close to midnight.”

“We should sleep then,” Cheryl murmured. “I’m so tired.”

“I’ll bet. Okay. Let’s get up and get ready for bed?”

“Mkay.”

After a moment, Toni laughed a little. “Cheryl, you need to move first, you’re on top of me.”

“Ugh, I don’t want to move!”

“You’re so cute. Come on, Cher, if you wanna sleep, we need to get up first.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know what my brain thinks of as a long chapter anymore. 5-8 years ago, when I first started writing fanfic, I never would've written chapters this long because I would take 2 hours to write a whole chapter and then just post it. Then like in the last few years, I started writing chapters between like 3000-4000 words. Now, if a chapter is <5000 words, I'm starting to feel like they're short! In the newest story I'm working on, none of the 10 completed chapters so far are less than 5,000 words lol.
> 
> Lmao, speaking of, though, the next and final chapter of this story IS a long one, at exactly 7,000 words. It'll include the tying up of a couple still loose ends, some fun fluff, and a little epilogue sort of part <3 I'll probably try to post it on Wednesday!
> 
> I have seriously appreciated all of the feedback on this story, this was the first time I've really written about mental health stuff, but talking about mental health is so important and I'm so glad that everyone so far as felt that it has seemed believable and real and emotional. Again, if you are experiencing any mental health issues, reach out to someone for help <3
> 
> Thank you all for being here, I am so excited to share the final chapter! See you all on Wednesday with the new update (or sooner, if you follow me on Twitter @ToriWrtsStories =D)


	13. maybe the hardest part was over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheryl gets her college letters and has to make a decision.  
> Also, lil epilogue. <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good evening everyone <3 After hearing the unfortunate news about the Graduation episode tomorrow, I decided that we all needed a little pick me up. So, here I am with the final chapter of Crisp Trepidations a little early, because Choni deserves better <3
> 
> For this chapter, TW: Therapy, mentions of medication, panic, flashbacks, nightmares, grief.
> 
> Without further ado, please enjoy this final chapter <3

Cheryl spent Saturday at the tattoo shop with Toni. She was starting to not want to go home on the weekends in favor of spending time with her girlfriend, since on the weekdays they were both too busy with school and work to see each other, and Cheryl couldn’t stay the night at Toni’s on the weeknights since she had to be at school way too early for cheer.

While Toni was actively giving tattoos, Cheryl sat in the adjacent station—which seemed to always be empty—and texted Josie. Josie had learned about Toni’s joking attempts to convince Cheryl to get a tattoo and was now hopping on the mission. She spent practically the whole day sending Cheryl tattoo ideas, and Cheryl spent the whole day insisting that they didn’t have enough meaning to be worth permanently inking her body.

Toward the end of the day at the tattoo shop, a woman came in for a tattoo from Toni. She had a very specific drawing that she wanted Toni to draw exactly, without any changes. Toni asked gently if someone she knew drew it, while Cheryl eavesdropped from the adjacent station. The woman said that her older sister, who had just died, had doodled it on a napkin, the last time the two of them had gone out for dinner. Nothing fancy, but it had so much meaning to her, and it was the first and only tattoo she ever planned on getting.

Cheryl had needed to take a breather outside after hearing that, because the woman started to get emotional and it was surprisingly triggering for Cheryl. She paced outside for a while, and then sat in her car. She only felt panicky for a couple of minutes, though, and she spent the rest of the time thinking about how this woman had decided to dedicate part of her body to her lost sister, and how powerful that was. She thought about the initial T.A.T on Toni’s ribs, her mother’s initials. The beauty in that sort of memory.

Maybe a little idea was sprouting in Cheryl’s mind.

* * *

Cheryl got to Archie’s party at the same time as Toni—since she’d been with her all day—and a few minutes before she figured Josie would show up.

“Hey guys,” Archie greeted brightly, letting them in. “Hey, Cheryl, Toni mentioned that one of your friends is coming?”

“Yeah, Josie,” Cheryl answered with a smile. “She should be here pretty soon.”

“Yeah, they need to celebrate,” Toni announced, “because their cheer team just destroyed the rest of the teams at their sectionals competition and they’re going on to regionals.”

Cheryl smiled at how enthusiastic Toni sounded, and then blushed a little as everyone who already here cheered excitedly. That was Veronica, Betty, Sweet Pea, and Fangs so far. Cheryl was used to showing up a little late on purpose, so it was weird not being one the last ones to the party.

“Congrats, Cheryl,” Veronica said. “Hey, also, can I talk to you for a second?”

Cheryl looked at Toni with slight alarm, but her girlfriend just gave her an encouraging smile. “Yeah, of course.” Cheryl followed Veronica into the kitchen, where the older girl started to pour two cups of beer.

“Hey, so, I know probably Toni told you about everything she and I were talking about,” Veronica said.

“About me possibly leaving the city for college?” Cheryl asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“Yeah. Look, I don’t want you to think that I’m not happy you and Toni are girlfriends. Or that I really think you’re going to go off to college and forget about her or something. It’s just… you’re the first person who she’s ever decided to ask to be her girlfriend, and it didn’t even take an exorbitant amount of time!” Cheryl nodded. “So… it’s just like, she obviously really cares about you. And I might have just totally read you wrong, but when we first met you, you sort of came across to me as like, disaffected youth, and so I kind of pictured you maybe dating Toni just sort of for the hell of it? And trust me, you and Toni both have convinced me that I was wrong, but that’s where I was coming from back a few weeks ago, at that frat party. And yeah, in general I just worry about Toni. I want her to have a happy relationship so bad, but she’s never let it really get there. And I’m so happy that she finally has that I just… don’t want to see her get even more hurt because of it.”

Cheryl nodded slowly, processing everything Veronica said. “I get it, really. I mean, I get why you want to protect Toni, and that it must be really different watching her feel ready for a relationship. And I… I mean, we talked a lot about that sort of thing before she asked me, and I wasn’t going to pressure her or anything, you know? But I do care about her, a lot. Also, regarding the whole disaffected youth thing…” Cheryl took in a deep breath. “I, um… lost someone last year. My twin brother.”

Veronica frowned. “Shit. I’m so sorry…”

“No apologies necessary,” Cheryl insisted, shaking her head. “Anyway, that may have contributed to why you thought that I seemed that way. But I’m not careless. And I most definitely do not want to hurt Toni. She… okay, not to sound like a major sap, but she’s amazing, thoughtful, and… and sweet. I… I couldn’t do anything to hurt her.” She blew out a breath and looked back at Veronica. “So, you don’t need to worry.”

Veronica smiled, nodding. “Cool. I mean, I was done worrying, mostly. I actually was mostly wanting to apologize, I guess. You’re actually pretty great, and you’re definitely good for Toni, I can tell.”

“Thanks,” Cheryl said with a chuckle.

Veronica picked up the two cups of beer and handed them both to Cheryl, who gave her a funny look. “For your girlfriend, dummy.”

Cheryl chuckled, thanking Veronica and starting back into the living area, where Toni was leaning against the side of one of the couches, joking around with Storm and Peaches, who had apparently arrived while Cheryl was talking to Veronica. Cheryl walked over to her. “Hey,” she said, drawing Toni’s gaze and handing her the second cup.

“Thanks, babe,” Toni said, smiling. “Also, sorry, I should’ve warned you that she was maybe going to do that.”

Cheryl shrugged. “It’s okay.”

There was a knock suddenly on the door, and Archie opened it to reveal Joaquin, Reggie, and Munroe. “Hey guys,” Archie greeted.

“Hey,” Munroe responded, “we ran into Joaquin here on our way up.”

“Hey, babe,” Fangs greeted, calling out to Joaquin. The three guys came inside, and as Archie was closing the door, someone else was coming up to it.

“Oh, hey, hold on,” she heard Josie’s voice calling. Archie opened the door curiously.

“Hey,” he said curiously.

Cheryl took a few steps toward the door. “This is Josie,” she said to Archie, who glanced back at her for a second.

“Come on in, Josie, welcome,” Archie greeted, letting Josie in.

“Thank you,” she replied with a grin. “Hey, Cher! Ooh, is that beer?”

Cheryl chuckled, and started to lead her best friend toward the kitchen. “Ooh, this is Cheryl’s friend?” Veronica asked curiously.

“Yeah, this is Josie,” Cheryl said, realizing she’d almost forgotten to do introductions. “Josie, this is Veronica, Betty, Archie, Sweet Pea, Fangs, Storm, Peaches, Reggie, Munroe, and Joaquin.”

“Whoa, Joaquin, aren’t you in my lit class?” Josie asked in shock.

“Yeah,” Joaquin answered with a laugh.

“Cheryl did not mention that someone else from our school was going to be here,” Josie said, looking judgingly at Cheryl, who opened her mouth to defend herself. Before she could, though, Joaquin was speaking again.

Joaquin laughed. “Uh, I’m the whole reason Cheryl ever even met any of these people.”

Cheryl flushed as she caught Toni lift an amused eyebrow. “How’s that?” she asked.

Cheryl sighed. “Yeah, Joaquin goes to my school,” she clarified, for everyone who wasn’t Toni. “When I was… in _detention_ from slapping stupid Chuck Clayton for being a stupid asshole, Joaquin was there and mentioned a college party, and I wanted to get drunk, so. Yeah.”

“Wow,” Veronica said, nodding slowly, “that’s actually kind of funny, then, that Fangs started seeing Joaquin shortly after that.”

“Yeah, hilarious,” Cheryl muttered, rolling her eyes. “Come on, let’s get you a drink, Jos.”

Josie got a cup of beer for herself, and then she and Cheryl joined the rest of the group in the living area. Toni had settled onto the floor, apparently not being able to claim enough space for both her and Cheryl, so Cheryl joined her, and Josie sat next to them. For a few minutes, all of the college students were ranting about their classes and upcoming midterms, and then finally Veronica groaned and demanded, “Okay, we need to do something other than talk about fucking school. I am up to my ears in school, I need a break.”

“Truth or dare?” Reggie asked, grinning around the circle.

“Dude, _what_ is with you and truth or dare?” Veronica demanded.

“Oh my god, no,” Josie exclaimed, “I love truth or dare.”

“Our new addition agrees!” Reggie exclaimed. “Truth or dare it is!”

Josie leaned over to Cheryl. “Hey, is Archie single?” Cheryl looked at Josie with furrowed eyebrows.

“Uh—”

“So single,” Toni butted in suddenly.

“Oh my god, one of you dare him to kiss me,” Josie pleaded, getting a laugh from Toni and a cringe from Cheryl. “What? That would so beat Tinder conversations with weird ass guys.”

“So I think Reggie should be the first one to go,” Betty suggested. “Reggie, truth or dare?”

“Dare,” Reggie answered with a grin.

“Okay. I dare you to… call the last girl you had sex with,” Betty said.

Toni and Cheryl were probably the only ones who noticed Veronica’s face turn white. Cheryl wondered if Reggie was going to drink to get out of the dare, but the expression on his face screamed that he would never back down from a dare. He cleared his throat awkwardly as he opened his phone.

Less than twenty seconds later, Veronica’s phone started ringing. “Oh my god,” Veronica exclaimed, feigning surprise very poorly, “what a weird coincidence. Okay, Reggie, ask someone now.”

Everyone in the group was trying not to either laugh or gape, as Reggie cleared his throat again and looked around the circle. “Storm. Truth or dare?”

“Dare,” Storm said with a shrug.

“I dare you to kiss the most attractive _guy_ in the room,” Reggie said with a grin.

“Dude, super rude question to ask a lesbian. I don’t even know who the most attractive guy in the room _is_ ,” Storm muttered. She looked at Peaches. “Babe, who will you be the least pissed at me for kissing on the cheek?”

“Whoa—the cheek?” Reggie demanded.

“You didn’t specify, asshole,” Storm said.

Peaches looked at her girlfriend with amusement. “Uh, one of the gay ones, obviously.”

So Storm moved across the room and pecked Fangs on the cheek, which everyone jokingly cooed over. Storm rolled her eyes and looked at Veronica. “Truth or dare, Ronnie?”

“Truth,” Veronica said, getting groans from about half of the people in the room. “What? You guys are hooligans, I am not picking dare.”

“Was Reggie calling you, before?” Storm asked, smirking.

Veronica took a drink, which basically told everyone that the answer was yes, but before anyone could make a fuss about it, Veronica was looking at Cheryl. “Cheryl! Truth or dare?”

“Truth,” Cheryl said, not sure that she wanted anyone in this circle to give her a dare, not even Veronica who seemed to despise them.

Veronica smirked a little. “Who’s the top, you or Toni?”

Cheryl bit the inside of her lip, glancing at Toni who was biting back a smirk as well. Cheryl lifted her cup to her lips and drank, getting out of answering the question. “Aww, lame!” Josie whined.

Cheryl rolled her eyes. “Josie, truth or dare?”

“Dare!” Josie exclaimed, practically begging Cheryl with her eyes to ask her to kiss Archie.

“I dare you to… sit the rest of the game next to the person you find most attractive in this circle,” Cheryl said, hoping that was going to be good enough for her.

Despite looking a little disappointed, Josie happily stood up and relocated herself. Everyone in the circle looked at each other with interest as she plopped down between Archie and Munroe, probably not quite sure who she was referring to. Although the way she glanced at Archie after was probably the giveaway.

Cheryl half expected Josie to try and dare Archie to kiss her, but she looked to Toni instead, “Toni, truth or dare?”

“Truth,” Toni said, leaning into Cheryl a little.

“Earlier this week, I asked Cheryl if she wanted to get a manicure this weekend. She refused. Am I ever going to get her to get one with me ever again?”

Toni found that question hilarious, apparently, and Cheryl just rolled her eyes as Toni laughed and answered, “No, probably not.” The rest of the group snickered as well, and Cheryl shook her head.

“You are all way too invested in our sex lives,” Cheryl muttered.

Toni wrapped an arm around Cheryl and pulled her close enough to kiss her on the cheek, which brought a small smile to Cheryl’s lips.

The game continued for a while, until someone was complaining about being hungry, at which point they ordered five pizzas for the lot of them. Cheryl was leaning on Toni’s shoulder, talking to Sweet Pea, Fangs, and Veronica, while Josie was definitely talking to Archie and totally hitting it off.

“Josie seems sweet,” Veronica commented all of the sudden.

“Yeah,” Cheryl agreed with a chuckle. “She seems to think Archie is really hot.”

“She’s not wrong,” Fangs joked.

“How long have you and Josie been friends?” Veronica wondered.

“Like, since kindergarten,” Cheryl answered. “She’s been my best friend basically forever.”

“That’s like me and Toni,” Sweet Pea said with a grin.

“Yeah, I think I’ve heard a few stories of Sweet Pea and Toni shenanigans,” Cheryl said with a chuckle.

“Have you heard any of the ones where I get dragged in and end up being the one to get in trouble?” Fangs asked, looking unamused.

Cheryl grinned. “No but do tell.”

“How about the time that the seniors were all doing senior pranks, but Toni— _sophomore_ Toni—decided that she wanted to do one. So she got Sweet Pea to _climb onto the roof_ of the school with her and put helium balloons with paper weights holding them down all over the fucking roof! And then they called me to come to the school and made me take pictures of it, and then I sent it to Toni but somehow the photo was traced back to my phone?” Fangs demanded. “I don’t even know how that happened, but then _I_ almost got in trouble for it.”

“Did you give them up?” Cheryl asked, highly amused.

“No, because I’m a good fucking friend! I just denied the whole thing—basically like, I’m not a senior, so it wasn’t me. I just took the picture because I saw it and it was funny.” Fangs shrugged. “Eventually they bought it, because some senior started taking credit for it so that people would think he was cool, or something.”

“I can’t believe you climbed onto the roof of your school,” Cheryl said to Toni, who shrugged.

“Yeah, I didn’t always do the _smartest_ stuff in high school.”

“It was super funny, though,” Sweet Pea said with a grin. “Now she just climbs onto roofs of frat houses.”

Cheryl smiled fondly at the thought of that first night on the frat house roof, looking at Toni, who shared her gaze for a moment.

“Ew, you guys are too fucking cute,” Veronica muttered with a groan, “I need another drink.”

Pizza showed up soon after that, and everyone ate and drank, and then they put on a dumb comedy movie that Cheryl and Josie immediately started talking shit about, much to Toni’s amusement.

When the night came to an end, everyone said their goodbyes, Josie managed to get Archie’s number, and Cheryl and Toni headed back to Toni’s apartment. When they got back there, Toni made a joke about the truth question that Cheryl had drank to, the one about who the top was between the two of them. Cheryl was surprised at the feeling that built up inside her as she heard the joke—the feeling that motivated her to slam her lips into Toni’s, push her down onto her bed, and make her scream out her name. It was beyond satisfying, too, when Toni was sweaty and naked and utterly spent underneath Cheryl. It felt even better when Toni murmured that she would never joke about it again, while pulling Cheryl down into a cuddle and kissing the crook of her neck lovingly.

* * *

It was Monday after school, and Cheryl had gone home before heading to her appointment with Dr. Rhodes. Upon getting home, she had found five envelopes waiting for her on the counter. Three were from some of her backup schools she’d applied to, one was from Eastwood University, and the last one was from Princeton University.

She brought them up to her room and stared at them for probably fifteen minutes. She debated calling Josie or Toni, so that she could talk to someone while she opened the, but just kept imagining what they might say, and decided that she didn’t want to know what they would say at the same time as she was opening them.

So she opened the three from the schools she cared less about first. All acceptances.

Then she opened Eastwood University. As she expected, another acceptance.

Then all that was left was Princeton. Princeton, the one that was hardest to get into, but the biggest dream she’d had for most of her life. Her and Jason’s dream. To go to Princeton together.

Her hands were shaking as she felt the expensive paper of the envelope. She sucked in a deep, but shaky breath as she tucked her thumb under the edge of the flap, forcing the seal to break. She slowly opened the envelope and pulled out the letter. While she unfolded it, she closed her eyes, not sure if she was ready to see.

_One… two… three._

She opened her eyes, and read the words, “Miss Cheryl Blossom, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Princeton University…” Immediately, Cheryl felt tears in her eyes, and she choked out a sob as she clutched the acceptance letter to her chest.

* * *

“So, tell me what’s going on.”

“What do you mean?”

“You look like you’ve been crying,” Dr. Rhodes said with a frown.

Cheryl sighed. “Oh, yeah. I have been. But… not for a bad reason. Um… I got my college letters. I got accepted everywhere. Including Princeton.”

Dr. Rhodes lit up. “Cheryl, that’s incredible!”

“Yeah,” Cheryl agreed, bobbing her head up and down in a nod. “It is.”

“Do you want to tell me about what that brought up for you?”

“Jason… Jason and I wanted to go to Princeton together. We researched the school together, planned our applications together… it was always the plan that we would go together. So… I don’t know, maybe I wanted to get rejected, so I wouldn’t have to decide if I should go,” Cheryl muttered, running a hand through her hair.

“I see.” Dr. Rhodes nodded slowly. “Well, it’s a big decision, that’s for sure. It should be well thought out.”

“I know, but…” Cheryl groaned. “I feel like I already know all the variables, j-just… I don’t know what the _right_ thing is. Jason… he was supposed to be there with me, so if I go without him, then it’s… not really fair. But if I don’t go… I think he would be disappointed. And Josie… she would probably tell me to go. And Toni… god, she’s so supportive, she would tell me to go, too.”

“What do _you_ want?” Dr. Rhodes wondered.

Cheryl felt a lump in her throat as she looked up herself in the small mirror across the room. She didn’t look too tired, but she could see the stress in her own eyes. “I… don’t want to disappoint Jason, but… what if I can’t do it? What if I get to campus… and I can’t do it?”

“What do you mean?” Dr. Rhodes wondered. “Your classes?”

“No, what if I can’t hold myself together without him there with me? What if being there just reminds me how he’s not there?” Cheryl asked quietly.

Dr. Rhodes let out a long sigh. “Cheryl… If you avoided doing things that would remind you that your brother isn’t here, I think you would find that there was very little you _could_ do.”

Cheryl frowned, looking down at her lap as she realized that Dr. Rhodes was right. Any momentous occasion would be a reminder that he wasn’t there to celebrate it with her. Any hard time would be a reminder that he wasn’t there to comfort her. This wasn’t going to be the last time that Cheryl would be in the position. “I guess that’s true.”

“When do you have to decide?” Dr. Rhodes asked.

Cheryl sighed. “Soon.”

“Well, just remember that you need to do what’s best for _you_. If that’s Princeton, it’s Princeton. If not, that’s okay. Just make sure that you’re making the best decision for you.”

Cheryl just hoped that she could figure that out in time.

* * *

“So what are you going to do?” Josie wondered.

Cheryl groaned, letting her head fall into her hands after explaining her predicament to Josie only to be asked a question. “I don’t know! What should I do?”

“Well, I think Dr. Rhodes is right. Make the best decision for you,” Josie answered.

“Which is?”

Josie sighed, taking a bite of her lunch. “I don’t know, Cher. I mean… I know that you’ve wanted to go to Princeton for like… ever. But if you don’t think you’ll be happy there, then you shouldn’t go there. Also, it’s only an hour away. And since _I_ got into Julliard, you’ll be about the same distance from me no matter what.”

Cheryl looked up at Josie with her jaw dropped. “You got into Julliard?”

Josie grinned. “Yes! I just found out this morning!”

“What—you let me ramble on about Princeton versus Eastwood and didn’t mention that you got into your dream school!” Cheryl exclaimed. “Congrats, Jos! I knew you would get in.”

“Thanks,” Josie said sweetly. “But yes, I didn’t mention it because I’m not having a huge dilemma about whether to go, meanwhile you clearly are. Have you talked to Toni about it yet?”

Cheryl sighed. “No.”

“Why? You think she’s going to want you to go to Eastwood?” Josie wondered.

Cheryl propped her chin on the palm of her hand. “No. I think she’s going to tell me to go to Princeton. She’s going to say that if it’s my dream, I shouldn’t just give it up. And she’s going to say that Princeton is only an hour away.”

“So, you haven’t talked to Toni because she’s going to tell you to go to Princeton.”

“Yeah.”

“So does that mean you don’t want to go? Or does that mean that you don’t want to hear it, because you don’t want to admit that it’s what you want?”

Cheryl groaned again. “How am I supposed to know?”

“Cheryl,” Josie said firmly. “It’s your life, you’re the only one who knows!” Cheryl sighed, looking down at her half eaten lunch. “And if the reason you think you shouldn’t go is really because of the fact that Jason won’t be there… just remember that he wanted you to be happy, okay? You need to choose what’s going to make you happy.”

* * *

It was Friday before Cheryl saw Toni again, as usual, but she still hadn’t told her girlfriend about the college letters.

She met Toni at the café by campus after Toni got off from work, but she didn’t feel hungry. She felt stick to her stomach at the prospect of talking to Toni about this, and she didn’t know why.

Still, Cheryl ordered herself a salad and iced tea before joining Toni at the table she’d already grabbed. “Hey, babe,” Toni greeted, looking up from her phone as Cheryl approached her. She was wearing a tank top and her leather jacket, as well as torn up jeans. A classic look for her, even despite the slightly warmer weather. Regardless, she looked gorgeous, and Cheryl wished she could just let her girlfriend distract her from all of these decisions forever. “Sorry I didn’t order for you, I felt like I shouldn’t assume that you want the same salad every time we’re here.”

“That’s okay, I ordered,” Cheryl said, taking a seat next to Toni instead of across from her. Toni scooted over to give her space to join. “And yeah, I ordered the same salad.”

Toni chuckled. “Okay noted. Chicken salad is always the way to go.” Cheryl smiled, but her heart was racing. Her heart was daring her brain to dive into the topic at hand, as if it didn’t believe she could do it. “Hey, are you okay? What’s up?”

Cheryl rolled her eyes a little. “I’m being so overdramatic,” she muttered. “I just… I need to tell you that I got all my college letters.” Toni practically lit up when she heard that.

“So? All yesses?”

Cheryl lifted an eyebrow. “What makes you think so?”

“Well, because you’re like, going to be valedictorian, right? Plus, you’re just generally super badass and I think you would get all yesses.” Toni gave Cheryl a sweet smile that actually warmed Cheryl’s heart, before she remembered her dilemma.

“Um, yeah I actually did get all yesses,” Cheryl answered, nodding.

“Even from Princeton?” Toni asked for clarification excitedly.

“Mmhmm, even from Princeton.”

“Oh my god, babe, that’s so exciting. That’s your dream, right? You must be so happy.”

The way Toni said it, Cheryl couldn’t believe that she wasn’t jumping for joy telling her right now. She took in a deep breath, looking down at her lap. “I don’t know if I should go.”

“Why?” Toni wondered, furrowing her eyebrows. “I know you said you didn’t know what you were going to do but… really? Why wouldn’t you go to your dream school, Cher?” Cheryl looked away from Toni just in time to see a server bringing out her salad and tea.

“Thanks,” she said quietly, as they set it down with a smile and took away Cheryl’s order number tag. After a second, she looked back at Toni. “Because, if I go… then I go without Jason. We were supposed to go together.”

“Babe…” Toni sighed, grabbing Cheryl’s hand. “Is that what Jason would want?”

“No, but—”

“Is anyone asking you to not go?”

“ _No_ , but—”

“Do you _want_ to go?”

“I—yes, I—I think I do, but… I know that everyone thinks I should go. I’ve wanted to go forever. I get that, but… what if I _can’t_ Toni?” Cheryl demanded. “I mean, Dr. Rhodes was saying that you know, probably everything I ever do in my whole fucking life is going to remind me that Jason isn’t here with me, and I get that, but… Princeton without him?”

Toni hummed thoughtfully, stroking her thumb over the back of Cheryl’s hand. “Do you want to know what I think?”

“I already do. You think I should go because it’s my dream school.”

“ _Yes_ , but that’s not all that I think. I think that you are working so hard to let yourself be happy, Cher. I’ve _watched_ you work _so_ hard, and I’ve only been watching for a couple months. I think that you’re going to keep working hard for that. I think that no matter where you are, an hour away or basically next door, you’re going to have me. You’re going to have Josie. People who want you to be happy too, and who are here to help you when you get stuck or are having a hard time. But I also think… you need to imagine yourself in a couple years. If you don’t go to Princeton, and you’re in a better place mentally and emotionally than you are right now… will you regret staying behind?”

Cheryl looked down at Toni’s thumb stroking the back of her hand, watching it silently for a few moments. She tried to picture herself in that situation. Eastwood University would make her happy—and maybe that’s why it was so easy to think that she didn’t need to go to Princeton. She would succeed at Eastwood and she would have Toni closer and all of the friends she’d already made, even if they would graduate before her. But Princeton was an adventure, a dream, one that she wanted to go on with Jason, but couldn’t. But she could still go on it and carry Jason with her in her heart the whole way.

“Yes,” she whispered. “I wouldn’t _not_ love Eastwood, but…”

“You would always be asking ‘what if?’” Toni said softly.

Cheryl looked up at Toni with vulnerable eyes. “How are you so incredible?”

“Sometimes I like to think that when I say smart things, it’s actually my mom channeling through me,” Toni teased, grinning widely and getting a laugh out of Cheryl.

“Shut up, you’re smart,” Cheryl murmured, pulling Toni into a side hug and pressing a kiss to her neck.

“Thanks, but I think we both know that _you’re_ the smart one, Miss Princeton Graduate class of 2025.”

Cheryl shook her head a little at her girlfriend, but she couldn’t even fight the grin appearing on her face. “You are too much.”

“I think we need to celebrate, right? Finish eating so we can go celebrate.” Cheryl laughed a little, and she brought her lips to Toni’s. Toni pressed into her, their lips moving delicately against each other. After a few slow seconds, Toni pulled away just enough to murmur, “You going to finish eating, or what?”

* * *

* * *

By the time the end of the school year came around, it felt like the past few months had been a marathon and a sprint at the same time.

The cheer team had gone to regionals, placed, and gone on to nationals. They didn’t win the whole competition, but Toni and all of their friends at Eastwood U took a road trip to Washington DC to watch it. Because it was a school trip, Cheryl couldn’t get out of staying with the cheer team in their assigned hotel rooms, but she’d managed to sneak out and meet Toni in her hotel room for a brief rendezvous at _least_ once. The trip had been so much fun, and although not having Jason there had made it a bit harder, she liked to think that his spirit somehow witnessed it.

Cheryl had also committed to Princeton a few days after her talk with Toni, and after one last talk with her parents. As she expected, they were pretty uncaring and not particularly proud, despite how big of an accomplishment it was. They encouraged her to go, of course, because they wanted her to be college educated, but that was about it. Still, she went online to accept her admittance, and thankfully, she asked Toni to be with her when she did it. She nearly broke out into a panic before she pressed the button—one last moment of uncertainty, she supposed—but she finally did it, and it didn’t feel horrible.

Cheryl had finished the semester with all As, meaning that the fall semester had been her only slip up, and that she was, decidedly, the class of 2021 valedictorian.

The rest of the semester hadn’t been all ups, though. The nightmares and flashbacks kept happening for over a month after starting her medication, but then they started to become fewer and further between. She worked hard with Dr. Rhodes every week too, learning to understand the symptoms of her PTSD. She started to be able to talk about Princeton with a smile on her face, but for a while, it was hard to even admit that she was going. After a while, she finally agreed to go to one of the grief support groups that Dr. Rhodes had been suggesting to her for months now, and it wasn’t all that bad. In fact, it helped her maybe more than she wanted to admit. Toni even went with her one time, and had even spoken up during the meeting about her own grief with her mom, all those years ago.

One thing that had not had many downs at all was her relationship with Toni. They had been officially together for almost four months now, and Cheryl was sure that she’d fallen in love with the girl. She was really just waiting for the right time to tell her.

Graduation was coming up in a week, and Cheryl had bought tickets for Toni and the whole Eastwood University friend group she had become a part of—because Toni had told her to. They were all super excited to come, which had surprised Cheryl more than she supposed it should have.

And although Jason wouldn’t be walking across the stage with Cheryl and the other graduates, Cheryl knew that he would be with them in one sense. He had impacted all of the seniors in some way, even if just by scoring a touchdown one year that caused the whole class to cheer. So of course he would be there, especially in spirit with Cheryl.

But Cheryl was going to make sure that he was there in one other way.

After the last day of school, a week before graduation, Cheryl drove herself straight to Toni’s work, knowing that Toni would be there for at least another couple of hours. When she walked in, Toni looked up at her in surprise. She was wearing black shorts with fishnets under them, a white crop top, and a purple flannel. It was different than her winter attire, but her summer attire was just as hot, and Cheryl was starting to become obsessed with it.

“Hey, there, Miss Cheryl ‘High School Graduate’ Blossom!” Toni greeted, surprise but also pride in her voice. “How does it feel to be done?”

“It feels great, but graduation isn’t until next week, so I don’t think I’m officially a graduate yet.”

“Walking across the stage is just ceremonial,” Toni insisted. “So what’s up, what are you doing here? I’m supposed to be here a couple more hours, and I thought we were meeting Josie and Veronica at the movies later.”

“Well, you don’t have an appointment before then, right?” Cheryl asked, her heart beating hard in her chest.

“No… I mean, you can totally hang out, I just wasn’t expecting—”

“Well, you have a walk-in,” Cheryl stated.

Toni furrowed her eyebrows, peering around Cheryl at the door. “Uh, no one is—”

“ _Me_ , Toni,” Cheryl said, crossing her arms over her chest. Toni took a second to realize what Cheryl was saying, and then her jaw dropped.

“Wait… seriously? You want a tattoo? Uh, who are you and what have you done to my girlfriend?”

“I’m still her,” Cheryl promised, chuckling a little as she sat down in the client chair. “And it’s nothing crazy that I want.”

“Aw, you mean it’s not my totally awesome drawing that I did for you?” Toni asked with a fake pout. Cheryl laughed, shaking her head. She pulled out her phone, to where she had screenshots of multiple fonts. She swiped to the one she wanted—that looked like the kind of font you’d see in a book, straight and classical—and turned to show it to Toni. “Uh, the quick brown fox…”

“That font,” Cheryl said, rolling her eyes.

“Okay, what do you want in that font?”

Cheryl breathed in deeply. “’JJ.’”

Toni’s face softened, and she grabbed Cheryl’s hand. “You’re serious about this?”

“Yes,” Cheryl answered. “I think… it will make me feel like he’s still here, somehow, with me. Walking across the stage at graduation. Going to Princeton. Everything.”

Toni nodded slowly. “I think that’s beautiful, babe. But… you’re _sure_?”

“I’m positive.”

“Okay. Well, let me get the paperwork and everything. And I’ll sketch it out in this font. Do you imagine a period between the Js?” Toni wondered.

“No, just two capital Js,” Cheryl answered.

“Okay, and where do you want? How big?”

“Small. On my right wrist, here.” Cheryl touched her fingers to the side of her wrist. Toni nodded in understanding.

“Okay, baby. Let me go get this ready.”

Fifteen minutes later, Cheryl was holding her breath as Toni readied her tattoo gun. Just before she turned it on, she looked up at Cheryl one more time.

“You ready?”

“I’m ready.”

“Okay. Also… don’t hold your breath. It’s best if you try to breathe through the pain,” Toni advised, giving her a supportive smile. “Also did you want something to squeeze, or—”

“Toni, give me the damn tattoo.”

Toni smirked a little, finally looking down at the area she’d cleaned and prepared on Cheryl’s wrist. When the gun turned on and touched down on Cheryl’s skin, the only reason she didn’t jerk her wrist away was because Toni was holding it down with her left hand. Well, that and because if she did, it would ruin so much of her skin for absolutely nothing.

It did hurt, but it wasn’t so bad that Cheryl couldn’t breathe through it and distract herself somewhat by watching Toni’s adorable, concentrated face.

The tattoo was done pretty quickly, because it was so small, and when it was, and Cheryl looked at the two perfect capitals Js on the side of her wrist, she felt tears in her eyes. “It’s beautiful,” she whispered.

“The most beautiful way to _mar_ your perfect skin, right?” Toni said back, grinning.

“I hate you,” Cheryl joked, laughing a little as one tear fell out of her eyes.

Toni shook her head. “No way you hate me, you let me literally tattoo you.”

“You’re right, I…” Cheryl looked down at the tattoo. “I love it, Toni, really. And…” She looked back up at her girlfriend, who was smiling at her, those warm brown eyes awaiting her next words. “And I love you.”

Toni gasped just slightly, biting her lower lip between her teeth all the sudden. She released it a second later, though, and looked down at her hands—still a mess and occupied from the tattoo. “I can’t believe you just told me that when I literally can’t grab you and kiss you.” Cheryl laughed, a couple more tears escaping her eyes. Toni looked back up at her, smiling even wider than before. “But, obviously, I love you too, Cher.”

At that point, Toni cleaned up and bandaged up Cheryl’s tattoo as fast as she possibly could, so that she could wrap Cheryl up in her arms and press a deep, loving kiss to her lips. Cheryl was sure she’d never felt happier, at least not in the past seven months, than she did in this moment. And although part her wanted to feel guilty, she knew that Jason would be happy for her, and she kissed Toni back with every ounce of love she had.

* * *

Cheryl didn’t regret the tattoo.

She didn’t regret it when she showed it off to Josie—who absolutely loved it, but also totally flipped shit at not having been there when Cheryl got it.

She didn’t regret it when she stood at graduation, in front of the entire graduating class and all of her friends and her girlfriend, when she gave her valedictorian speech. She’d worked on her speech for weeks, but in the moment, she was more nervous than ever. But knowing he was there with her, in those little Js on her wrist, helped. She spoke about strength and overcoming hardship, and she spoke of Jason in front of her peers for the first time. And when she finished her speech, everyone applauded—she even saw stupid Chuck Clayton clapping his hands together.

And when her name was called by her principal first, and she walked across the stage to receive her diploma, she heard incredibly loud cheers from one part of the audience. She didn’t have to look to know that it was Toni, probably forcing all of her friends to scream too. But she also heard Josie. And she knew that if Jason was here, she would hear him too.

And as she smiled for the camera that snapped her phone on stage, she felt tears in her eyes. From happiness and from sadness.

After all graduates’ names had been called, their principal gave a speech and invited the graduates to flip their tassel, and Cheryl had tears streaking her cheeks as she did so. Everyone threw their caps, and Cheryl did the same, catching it as it fell back down into her arms.

When she found Toni and her friends after the ceremony, she was still crying, and everyone congratulated her, and it was hard. When the whole thing was over, she cried for a long time, Toni holding her and comforting her. And it was hard, but it was okay.

She had made it so far, and maybe the hardest part was over, or maybe it wasn’t. And maybe Princeton would be perfect, or maybe it wouldn’t. But she had Josie, and she had Toni—who loved and supported Cheryl, just like Cheryl loved and supported her. And now, in part thanks to Toni, there on her wrist, with her now forever, she had Jason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all what's wrong with me I actually almost started crying rereading my own ending to this story i'm-
> 
> You guys. This story was one of the most challenging things I ever wrote in terms of emotion - I wrote it all so fast and as you guys have seen, it was super freaking emotional. I am so happy to have been able to share it with you all, though, and I so appreciate all of the feedback you guys have given me. Seriously, your comments always make me smile, and I am so grateful to have such incredible people following and reading my work. I write fanfic because I love it - I've loved it since I started when I was 13 literally 8 years ago - but you guys really put the cherry on top with your comments, kudos, tweets, DMs, and honestly just being here. So I want you to all know that I appreciate you, you are appreciated <3 Even if you've never said a word to me, if you're reading this, thank <3
> 
> With that in mind, I hope that if any of you are struggling with your own mental health issues, you'll reach out to a professional. I have learned so much about myself and my own anxiety since I started therapy about a year ago, and I would recommend that if you have ever thought about getting help or going to therapy or any reason, you should try it if you can <3
> 
> Lastly, before I go, remember that you can follow me on Twitter @ToriWrtsStories, DM me or tweet at me anytime, really! Also, the sequel to What A Time (aka the Toni Point of View version), which is entitled "For You And I" will start going up probably tomorrow. So make sure to go subscribe to the series "What A Time For You And I" to get notified about that, or just watch out for it on Twitter tomorrow!
> 
> Again, thank you all so much for being here <3 I hope you all have a lovely week! I hope to see you soon!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello lovelies! I so appreciate you being here! Reminder that updates will be coming as I get around to updating, should be every few days! Any and all comments and kudos are appreciated!
> 
> You can follow me on Twitter @ToriWrtsStories, I will always respond to your tweets, and I love to engage about the story, or anything really! <3
> 
> Again, thank you so much for being here and reading this story. I do hope you will continue to enjoy <3


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